The Invisible Torment That May Be Controlling Your Life

Unmasking the hidden struggles

Do you ever stop and wonder to yourself, why am I like this?

Why do these things keep happening to me?

Why do I end up in the same situations over and over again?

Trauma has become to hot topic to talk about on social media, and some may say that it is an overdone topic, being used to death by influencers who jump from trend to trend.

Every tiny inconvenience is now being labelled as ‘’traumatic’’.

But in my opinion, trauma will never be a topic that has gained too much attention. For every person who has successfully worked on themselves and is now on the final chapter of the book, there are 10 more who are only staring at the first sentence.

Trauma and more specifically childhood trauma, is not a trend. It is a very real experience, one experienced by far too many in this world today, and one that causes so much pain and suffering for every age, gender, nationality, and race.

The invisible chains

Childhood trauma for me was so much more than just growing up with an alcoholic parent, it infected every single part of my existence, and the most crazy part about it…..I had no idea.

I had no idea that I, the real Corey, was not in the driver seat of my life.

My perception of how my life was and how I behaved and showed up on the day-to-day was that, this is who I am.

But it wasn’t, and that’s only clear to me now that I have been able to heal, grow, and come back to my true self.

Trauma is a reaction to an event or a series of events. It is not the event or the situation that causes the trauma, but the reaction you have to it.

It is what happens within and that is why it is so subjective. How I react to something will be completely different from how you react to it.

A reaction to trauma is not just emotional. We also have physical and behavioural reactions as well. They can show up as nervous system dysregulation, flashbacks, anxiety, dissociation, numbness, hypersensitivity, insomnia, memory loss, addictions, control issues, pain in the body, migraines, and gut problems……to name but a few!

Every single one of the above has been a part of my life.

My life looked very different 6 years ago compared to how it does now. It didn't only look different, it felt different, I felt different.

You see trauma didn't just impact my mental health, as I mentioned previously.

Oh no no, that's just a segment of the role it plays. It impacted my health, yes, both mental and physical but it also impacted my relationships, romantic and the relationship with myself. It impacted my time in school, my career, and my view of what I wanted to achieve in this world.

It made me crave happiness so desperately that I clung to material possessions like they were a pair of inflatable armbands and abused substances like I was giving Keith Richards a run for his money.

Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll baby — well it didn't have quite the same glamour, but you get the picture!

And then there was the busyness and the fear of not being in control. I filled every minute of every day with noise so that I didn't have to fear being alone with the monster aka my mind.

Up until 6 years ago, this was my normal until I started to question why.

Why am I so F**KING miserable all the time?

Why can't I just be normal and feel happy?

I was I could talk to my old self back then and tell her ‘’darling you are normal, you are just in pain’’.

‘’What do you mean I am just in pain? I’m in pain because I stayed out partying all weekend and took too much cocaine that’s why I’m in pain you dumb bi**h’’, I probably would have answered.

Believe it or not, it wasn't the substance causing me pain. Well, they weren't not causing me pain, but they weren't the root cause.

The root cause was this invisible little puppet master that was puling the strings causing me to behave in a way that might just keep the puppet alive.

Because at the end of the day, that's what it was. It was survival from having to deal with the suffering I was so blatantly oblivious to.

This is not me saying I wasn't responsible for my behaviour because I was. I was responsible for everything thing I did and didn't do but I just didn't know that there was a deep down WHY behind it.

Why?

Everyone's experience, situation, ability to handle traumatic situations, and reactions, are all different and trauma is a spectrum. It is not a one-size-fits-all approach by any means.

But one thing is for sure….

Trauma changes who we are to the very core.

In my experience, growing up in an unpredictable and chaotic household with a parent who suffers from addiction and mental health, is my why.

The hardest part for me was and still is, not knowing what side of my parent I am going to be faced with because not every side is bad. They are my parent and I love them, even if they cause me suffering.

It doesn't matter what you have been through, if you perceived it as traumatic, then it was traumatic and very valid. No one should feel invalid because trauma is now a hot topic and everyone is talking about it

This isn't a di*k-measuring competition for suffering.

This is real life and a reality so many are living.

How?

So many people asked me, ‘’How do I know I had trauma in my life’’?

It is a very good question, but not one I can answer for you.

If you want to start understanding more about why you may be behaving a certain way, or why your life constantly ends up at the same dead end, it is time to really analyse your behaviour.

Are you abusing substances, constantly cheating on partners, attention seeking, unable to manage your anger in a healthy way, ending up in the same shitty relationship, don’t feel good enough to leave the toxic job you are in, don’t know how to manage conflict, people please like its an Olympic sport…and just like traumatic reactions, the list goes on, and on!

Think about what your family dynamic was like growing up.

Was conflict managed in a healthy way?

Did you feel supported to express your emotions and needs, both good and bad?

Were your basic needs met?

Was my parent stressed while I was in utero?

What was the environment like that you lived in?

Did you feel worthy of your parent's love? Was it unconditional?

The beautiful thing about trauma is that it forces us to look at ourselves at a deeper level than ever before, and so much awareness comes from that. So many insights into who you are as a person and that in itself is priceless.

With awareness, comes healing, and with healing comes freedom.

Freedom from the invisible torment that may be controlling your life.

So I invite you to start to become curious, start to question what seems to be the norm for you be may not be serving you in a positive way.

Trauma causes so much suffering in the world and will continue to cause pain while it goes unnoticed.

Don’t let it go unnoticed in you.

Corey ❤

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