The Invaluable Irreplaceable Lesson My Miscarriage Taught Me

And something that took me years to forgive

I have been with my husband since I was 19 and he was 22. We were committed to one another and felt married without the need to have a ceremony — however, I do agree, it does change things. Together happily for 15 years, married for 9 of those years, and through som immensely challenging times — any one of which could and would have tested any relationship... Thank you to my husband for riding the many waves with me — love of my life. My protector, valiant warrior, comedian, and kindred spirit.

Living together, working multiple jobs and long hours, while going to school, we were barely scraping by in a small 1 bedroom apartment that only cost about $550/month. We knew we were with each other for the long hall, this wasn’t a temporary thing. Early twenties, acting and behaving responsibly, and suddenly pregnant.

Terrified. Not sure how we could handle this or how our families would react. Knowing there was no way we could afford a child — we couldn’t even afford ourselves!

My husband has known for a long time that he didn’t want children. I wasn’t sure if I did or not — he was the first person who informed me I had a choice. But one thing I did know for sure, abortion was NOT OKAY and adoption wasn’t really an option.

People always say adoption is an option, but it really isn’t and you either understand how that is true, or you don’t. I cannot fully express this here and now, but will try another time. My family is not easy to describe and as much as they would say they support adoption, they would never have allowed it and/or let me live it down — just the thought let alone the actual action, and neither would have my husband’s…

Anyway, I find out from my doctor who obviously understood my situation — interestingly enough, she was my mother’s Doctor too, so I cannot help but wonder how much more understanding she was because of that, maybe? Weeping and convulsing from the news, she offered my a pamphlet on a local abortion clinic — which I of course knew I could, or should, NEVER consider.

Days or weeks later, after much internal conflict and hatred, prayers for guidance and forgiveness, and difficult conversations with my husband, I found myself at the abortion clinic.

Once again weeping uncontrollably. Hating the fact that I would even consider being there for a reason such as this, and not sure what I was going to do once I saw the doctor. I cannot remember exactly what was said, but something along the lines of “honey, are you sure you were pregnant? Do you know how pregnancy occurs?”… “honey, you’re not pregnant. Were you referred by a doctor? Why did you think you were pregnant?” …

Back to the Doctor’s office where she compassionately asked me how I was, as I sobbingly told her I was no longer pregnant. She of course thought I had the abortion, and I had to inform her I actually had a miscarriage to which she reacted happilyish on my behalf (she knew it was hard for me and I do not know how else to describe it)… I was there for better birth control.

Rewind to the day of the miscarriage, I wasn’t sure what was happening. It was agonizing pain. We thought possibly miscarriage but not sure because I have had severe vaginal contractions and cramping before and since. Also, some women still bleed when pregnant… I refused to go to the hospital and so we found out at the abortion clinic.

Fast back forward to the time after the appointments. The intense conflicting emotions of joy and gratitude for the miscarriage as well as the shame and guilt for feeling not only that way but also for even the thought of possibly having an abortion… if God was upset with me… not telling our families (for my own protection — my husband was and is so wise… there would have been no coming back from that).

Fast forward to some time in the future… Still struggling deeply with contempt for myself in a multitude of ways: the ones listed above and for my own hypocrisy which I later learned was my uninformed uneducated naive innocent inexperienced and unknowing youth.

How could I possibly understand something I had never had contact with, had not been taught how to have more compassion and understanding for? Never taught there are reasons and circumstances, that this would NEVER be an easy choice or a choice someone would want to have to make easily or without emotion?! Never taught that God DOES understand and Forgive and Love His children even for things people (and in particular supposed Christians) do not understand forgive or tolerate.

How could I know that this was one of many lessons that would not only teach me but show me the incredible indescribable immeasurable enormity of God’s Love & Grace?

Heed this Warning, I beg of you: DO NOT LIMIT THE POWER GLORY LOVE FORGIVENESS UNDERSTANDING CREATIVITY etc. … OF GOD. Just because you do not understand or agree with something does not mean God automatically agrees with you — if anything, I bet He is challenging you to do as He instructed, to live as Jesus lived… to let he who is without sin cast the first stone… to live a life of love compassion grace and humility… to live a life that defends the weak, helps the helpless, stands up against and destroys that which is actually wicked!

This article is hard to write and harder to share, but I feel and have felt so compelled to put it out there, because that experience changed everything I thought I knew and understood about a lot of things including other people’s situations circumstances and impossible choices, myself & my blind spots, God’s love forgiveness understanding and just how deep those all go.

Although I remember thanking God for my miscarriage, it wasn't (I don’t think) until possibly years later that I fully understood not only His Love for me, but also, and perhaps more importantly, His purpose in that moment of suffering. The lessons I learned, the experience and understanding I gained, the forgiveness I learned to have for others and eventually myself — those were not mere coincidences, it wasn’t even serendipity, that was DIVINITY!

God saved me then, and He has saved me time and time again. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that moments in my life such as this were gifts. Not only because of the lessons I learned and the insight I gained, but also for what did or did not happen. I felt the Grace of God when He granted me that miscarriage, and although it isn’t popular I am still grateful to this day and know that He was saving me from the choice I couldn’t make...

***This story has never been fully told to anyone, including family. I entrusted a small part to a dear friend who remains that to this day. It took me years to be able to forgive myself even though I was grateful for the experience that opened my eyes and heart to better understand the decisions we each make as well as other’s suffering pain and struggle…***

“A knight is sworn to valor. His heart knows only virtue. His blade defends the helpless. His might upholds the weak. His word speaks only truth. His wrath undoes the wicked!”

~Draco (The Old Code of King Author)

This is Your Idealistic HolisticNerd, and these are my convictions…

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