The Intersection of Singlism and Misogyny with Arophobia and Acephobia in Society

No, there isn’t something wrong with us. You just think we’re too picky or strange, as if alloromantic people never fit those descriptors.

You know how some concepts are best explained with a Venn diagram where two or more circles overlap? Then there’s the meme about “the Venn diagram is just one big circle” because of complete overlap?

Ever since I came out on the aspec, I’ve been revisiting so much of my life experience through a demiromantic lens. I suspected I was on the aro spectrum when I first found out about it at 29, but didn’t think I belonged because I DO have desire for a romantic partner and can feel, and have felt, romantic attraction. Strongly, at that!

But there’s actually many predictors that aspec folk have been sharing with one another and leading to people coming out later in life, having finally found others like them.

In fact, I confused many ideas and experiences as being something totally different when I now realize these are aromantic and demiromantic schools of thought. For instance, my complete antipathy for dating apps that resulted in my refusal to use them.

I wrote that four years prior to this piece. While I cite my familiarity with the technology behind the apps and social changes with respect to being online, I now see the aromanticism just dripping off this piece. I even made the mistake of calling myself “too picky”! What the hell, Rachel of the Past!

This is why social norms plus arophobia and acephobia often aren’t a Venn diagram. Rather, it’s soft body physics. Watch the first 15 seconds of this Blender tutorial to see what I mean. You don’t need to see the whole video, unless 3D physics and modeling is your jam. Just the first 15 seconds.

Notice how the three spheres Ducky made can sploot on top of one another, even forming one mega-sphere, but then they bounce off and separate from one another.

My experience observing arophobia is in relation to the perpetual stigmatization of single people (particularly single women) known as singlism, and just the sheer misogyny that society is built upon.

Acephobia embodies a different kind of soft body physics, but has a similar dynamic: it somewhat intersects with singlism, but having a very natalist society that assumes everyone wants a marriage and a family is a major driver. This notion plays into arophobia as well. It’s usually in the guise of thinking sex is the only way to have human connection.

These concepts don’t always intersect, but they do incredibly often. They’re soft body physics because they might be completely separate from one another one minute, close the next, then smooshed on top of each other.

Both acephobia and arophobia intersect with compulsory heterosexuality (comphet, in queer lingo) which is why there’s an A in LGBTQIA+.

Acephobia and arophobia are also rooted in the Christian right-wing’s mission to relinquish reproductive rights, queer rights, anti-sexism laws, and children’s rights! Why, you ask? Because refusal to have sex or enter a serious relationship or marriage, either altogether or only if you have a deep emotional connection with that person which you may rarely feel, are declarations of your bodily autonomy.

And that’s the last thing these fascist fucks want! They want people miserably shacked up and spending that dual income until it’s time to marginalize women out of the workforce again.

So how else do acephobia and arophobia frequently come up in our daily lives?

“It’s Not Normal to Not Feel Desire!” and “EVERYBODY Needs Someone!”

You know, with Aro Week 2023 wrapping up, I’ve been on a roll ever since I’ve been parsing my life experience upon coming out in December. So I had this sitting in my drafts.

But just like the time some assclown told me to “have some humility”, lo and behold I got this utter gem in my mentions and decided to monetize it rather than engage.

I knew it would be a waste of time trying to reason with someone who has this outlook, so I’m going to post my reply here except it’s intended for the general public. I had this header already prepared and it seemed like a good place to put this comment.

First things first, the aspec is part of the rainbow. I explained why in the previously linked piece. Cope.

People on the aspec aren’t any less questionable than people who just do things because they think they should, like follow the Life Script(TM) of marrying someone of the opposite sex they profess undying love for until they do nothing but complain about that person, work a job they hate til death or layoffs, buy a house in some dull place full of people hyperbolically afraid of everything, have kids, then retire and die.

We don’t fucking care if you don’t think we’re “legit”. We’re all clueless meatbags just trying to survive here, and every minute of the day, someone somewhere is going to live in a way you disagree with but doesn’t affect how you live your own life whatsoever.

I didn’t even know there was a term for people like me until my late thirties and it feels like people were trying to jam a Windows disk into my brain my entire life, but I needed a Linux disk to function even if I wanted to execute some of the same functions as them (e.g. have a happy and fulfilling life that includes a romantic partner while I accomplish my dreams). And I didn’t get that Linux disk until 37 and several versions later!

As for why there’s this “sudden” proliferation of aspec folk, the same was said about other marginalized groups. “Now there’s so many trans and gender-confused people!” and “Now there’s so many autistic people!” when people in these groups always existed.

The only difference is that back then, neurodivergent people were often institutionalized against their will and painfully masked because “normalcy” was beaten into them, while queer people stayed in the closet lest they risk the loss of their lives and livelihoods. Both of these concepts endured well into the 20th and 21st centuries.

A person who’s otherwise cishet but is ace and/or aro can hide it more easily from a total stranger. But no matter where we fall on the spectrum, being on the aspec has you marked as “other”. I’ve definitely felt like I don’t fit in with straight culture because I don’t identify with the self-flagellation women are expected to place upon themselves for being long-term single, and I’m not so desperate to be some guy’s wife that I don’t care who it is. I also ALWAYS questioned the serious antipathy a lot of straight couples have, and knew I didn’t want to be my life — I only want to be in a relationship if we genuinely love and like each other.

Aspec folks get branded as sad and having something wrong with us as we await our lonely deaths, but did you stop to think we’re the ones who think YOU’RE sad and “questionable”?

Alloromantics swipe their damn lives away on dating apps in the vain hope they won’t die alone. Even though we all die alone, unless you simultaneously die with your partner in a plane crash or mass shooting. Whereas aspec folks seek genuine companionship and/or don’t feel this strong urge to be in a couple.

As a demiromantic, I didn’t think I belonged on the aro spectrum at first. But while I really do want a husband, it’s just not a desire I’m utterly consumed by.

One time when I was having work done on my condo, the handyman started asking intrusive questions. (Men reading this? DON’T DO THIS SHIT. It’s creepy and invasive, especially if you’re literally right where she lives.) One of questions was whether I was married, and I stated that was none of his business.

He replied, “I take that as a no. Well, everyone needs someone!”

I deadpanned back, “I don’t!”

But this has come up more than just this irksome but arbitrary occurrence. So many people can’t contemplate that you can be happy being single, or that you only want to end your singlehood if you truly feel emotional connection that gives way to romantic attraction!

The blanket statement that “Everyone desires human connection! It’s not normal to deny yourself love and sex!” is really just a form of acephobia and arophobia. Because have you considered that there’s different TYPES of love and sex that aren’t solely based on romantic attraction?

Marriage and cohabiting with your spouse are not panaceas for loneliness, either! Especially not if the foundation of your relationship is “I don’t want to die alone, you seem nice enough so you’ll do.”

Some people also just don’t feel sexual desire at all, very rarely, or only under certain circumstances. In my case, I’m an utter fucking horndog, so I’ve been shamed for THAT as a cishet woman (ahem, another tip-off for being on the aspec: you’re usually not compliant with traditional gender roles to some degree). But while I do desire a romantic relationship, I need to feel a major emotional connection with a man first. And I’ve only had this happen very, very rarely. Sadly, when this rarity occurred, a happy, stable, and committed relationship did not result.

But the thought of going through the motions with some guy I was uninterested in while he was gunning for me had less appeal than a spa day in Steve Bannon’s infamous bathtub. The idea that everyone has to prioritize finding a romantic partner over building literally any other type of human connection is the precise intersection of singlehood stigma and arophobia, with some acephobia thrown in.

“You’re Too Picky”, “You HAVE TO Go on Dating Apps!”, and “Will You Just Go Out With This Nice Guy I Know”

I hadn’t even realized I fell for this myself.

Like I said, I called myself “too picky” when I stated why I won’t use dating apps. But no, I’m not any pickier than anyone else. What made me seem picky to other people, even myself for a while there, is that I need an emotional connection to desire a romantic relationship while I don’t need that for sex, and I have what some would deem an unconventional life.

But one of the the main reasons it lacks appeal to me is that this guy messaging me is doing so purely out of loneliness. Even if he’s a perfectly nice person and not one of the negging assholes who wants to send strangers photos of his dick without their consent.

It isn’t about me and who I am. He’s messaging at least 30 other random women in his geographic radius in the hope that he gets a reply. He might think I’ll be “easier” on account of my body type, age, and the fact that I don’t want kids: he wants emotional intimacy and incendiary sex, but with someone he doesn’t deem worthy of commitment and it’s par for course for men to lie about wanting a relationship just to get laid. But unless this is Retired Hardcore Band Reptile Keeper Speed Dating, I’m probably his 10th or 11th choice out of the 15–20 women stashed in his phone in the event of a sexual or emotional payout.

Dude isn’t that picky about who he has coffee with and winds up in bed with while he’s more selective than NASA’s hiring process about who becomes his girlfriend. But no matter how you cut it, I’m not being messaged about who I am or what I want in life and if we gel in that sense.

Why the hell would I sign up for that? I gotta connect in the wild without these pretenses! Or the intensely stupid things that happen to me on a regular basis! Come on, I had to sign up for yet ANOTHER communications app now for a reporter gig I picked up. I’m not checking one more damn thing that pings me from another time zone to ask if I’m up when I’m clearly not.

Ergo, I thought the notion of apps just didn’t appeal to me for all the reasons I just outlined. Even if it’s just for casual sex and not a committed relationship, it sounds SO exhausting to have to screen these guys to make sure your body parts won’t be found under a freeway someplace.

But now that I can look at it through an aro spectrum lens, my refusal to go on the apps makes WAY more sense. I need emotional connection that isn’t being motivated solely by a desire not to be alone. I always dubbed it “I put the person before the concept, they’re putting the concept before the person”.

Now let’s go back to those soft body physics intersections from the very beginning. This is arophobia in action. You’re told you should be in a relationship even if you don’t actually feel attraction, just go with the motions to make this guy happy!

Shani Silver brilliantly sums up the misogyny and singlism that intersects with this form of arophobia in her essay “A Nice Guy Is Not Enough”.

Her work mostly encompasses countering singlehood stigma through a lens of breaking down misogyny and singlism, while mine has taken shape through demiromanticism. Girl, I love ya, have for a long time, but I think you might also be demiromantic now that I think about it.

Arophobia, Acephobia, and Singlism: Pushing You to Settle Because They Project Their Fears Onto You

Singlism is obviously the driving force here when someone tells you to just shack up with a person already, or wonders why you’re not “making more effort” to date whoever will go out with you. Or just have sex already if it’s been a while.

It’s actually an acephobic and arophobic undercurrent to push people to just settle for a random person out of this fear of being all alone. It goes beyond simple social standards.

We’re not “sad” for not feeling anything in certain situations. Perhaps we think you’re sad if you can’t handle months or years of your own company enriched by more platonic relationships, and only want a romantic relationship to fill a void in your life rather than seek something deeper than split rent and joint tax filing! (Marriage these days doesn’t even necessarily entail either of those things anymore.)

Like Shani Silver said in how single women over 30 are expected to just settle for some random nice guy because we’re not getting any younger and most of the men we’ll meet in our life journeys are already married if they wanted to be, there’s this major “settle for scraps, you don’t have other options” mentality going on there.

What I really hear when I’m told that I “better do something” is that I just need someone to hang on my arm at The Game Awards so these goddamn strangers on the Internet stop projecting their insecurities onto me, and my dad stops acting like we’re in Moscow circa 1918 and he has to desperately set me up with his friend’s son where the only thing we have in common is being close in age.

Some people consent to such business-minded marriages that are just going through the motions because living expenses are too high and they get along platonically even if there’s no great passion there. But that just ain’t me.

Here’s the rub: whether you’re alloromantic or demiromantic, the desire for romantic love is valid. It gets intensely annoying to have gone through the past 10–15 years of your life looking at casual sex partners and random flirtations in a blur while you can count on one hand how many crushes you’ve and how often you felt an emotional connection that made you want more. Then you express desire for that connection and romantic love just to be told to settle for some random schmuck, or the even more loathsome “Maybe you haven’t worked through your trauma yet! Try meditation and journaling!”

Have you also felt like screaming, “Will you put a sock in it, Brenda? I don’t want to go to your overpriced yoga class full of skinny white girls in marketing. I spent the first half of my thirties in therapy. I write several thousand words a day so I don’t need to fucking journal! I just want to wake up next to a man I have an actual life and emotional bond with, with amazing sex, inside jokes, and actually having something cohesive. This is something as common as having brown eyes or a pet dog. It’s not like I’m asking for a Pulitzer for my Twitter shitposting.”

Although if I was going to, I want my tweet where I got suspended for calling Mitt Romney a “gray Mormon Ken Doll motherfucker” to be the one that clinches my nomination. Anyway.

If I can’t have that, I’ve built a life I can love by myself regardless. I made a point of filling my life with the things that bring me joy, which I would do irrespective of my relationship status anyway.

I just didn’t realize until I met other people on the aspec that it wasn’t “normal” not to have crushes for years at a time even if I felt plenty of sexual attraction, then I’d go harder than a Soilwork album on the blue moon rising when I’d be really smitten. The desire for a relationship is certainly there, as is the frustration with the crap single women are constantly given! But it goes deeper than just refusing to accept the lesser-than status single people get shoved on them over the privileged status given to coupled people, which Shani’s book fucking brilliantly breaks down.

Alloromantics treat making it through life single as some ignominious tragedy, even though it’s far sadder to live a diminished life if you’re held back by a miserable, complacent, or abusive relationship.

More people are waking up to this realization, especially cishet women, which has been a spur digging into the rollback of our rights.

Queer rights are also under attack. If you think the fascists will stop after they’re done going after trans people, you’re sorely mistaken. It’s all interlinked: because religious right alloromantics also want conscripts.

If you’ve browsed some of the darker sides of Twitter, there’s this support group for “trans widows”. While I could have some degree of empathy towards people whose marriages don’t survive a partner transitioning, it immediately evaporates once I see the horrific ways they channel that pain: the messaging is all about how families are destroyed and spouses are left lonely to raise these kids while “our exes run off to live LGBTQ lifestyles”. They want to relinquish even more queer rights to keep people fearfully in the closet, just going through the motions pretending to be cishet normies.

I don’t even want to link these horrible people, despite wanting to provide an authoritative source. But they’re out there, and you should be aware of them.

And if you think they won’t extend to the aspec just because cisgender and/or heterosexual people along it can blend in a little better— you’re wrong.

They’d rather people go through the motions not being their authentic selves just to make someone else happy. It’s incredibly selfish to make someone stay with you just because you don’t want to be single again, even though neither of you are getting what you want out of the relationship. Or life, for that matter.

Which is ironic because if we were allowed to be our authentic selves to begin with — which starts with being aware of different gender identities, sexualities, and romantic orientations, why do you think right-wing chuds are going after queerness discussed in schools?— there probably wouldn’t be so many “widows and widowers” of gay, trans, and aspec people!

So while acephobia and arophobia circulate in the blackened veins beneath the unctuous poisoned heart valves of misogny and singlism that pump into society, there’s also darker intents to invalidating the aspec and being against LGBTQIA+ as a whole.