The Internet Was The Worst Thing To Happen To Men

But it’s something we all have to confront.

Cassie* has a strange situation going on in her life. She has a man who is interested in marrying her, but she absolutely refuses it.

In fact, she won’t even let him move in. He’s been begging her to marry him, but she’s actually thinking about breaking things off despite him being good to her.

Unlike most other women in this situation, it’s not a matter of him treating her badly, having bad prospects, or even a lack of attraction. She’s just at the point where she doesn’t feel she can trust any man — including her long-time boyfriend who keeps asking to marry her.

As a marriage-minded person, I genuinely was perplexed. It was then that she hit me with a remark that seared itself into my mind.

“I can’t help but wonder how many women saw their doting fiance turn into a monster shortly after the wedding.”

Her saying this knocked the wind out of me simply because of how real it was. Whether men realize it or not, most women have experienced something known as “the Abuse Switch” (or, the Switch) with a guy.

The Switch is a term I use for a sudden change in personality that happens when a man either gets rejected, gets laid or gets a poor woman in a position where she can’t leave as easily as she once did.

This is a term for being blindsided by abuse after a period of time where you were given zero reason to distrust a man. It’s common enough to be a sad and scary part of being a woman in the modern dating scene.

Examples of the Switch include:

• The guy who suddenly berates a woman for rejecting him or answering a text too slowly. These guys are often known as Nice Guys because they act nice until they don’t get what they want.
• The guy who impregnates a girl, then shortly after, becomes abusive despite having no warning signs. This is often by design. Men who do this count on women being unable to leave or abort. They are often doting and flexing about being a great dad prior to that positive pregnancy test.
• The man who marries (or moves in) with a woman, only to start beating her and berating her shortly after. This is way more common than most men want to admit or than most men may believe. I’ve personally met one woman who was able to barely escape with her life after she married a man who was always kind to her…until the wedding night.

Cassie has a point. You never can really trust a person until you see what they are like when you can’t leave them. And as a woman, you will be blamed if you get abused — often by people who claim “you should have seen some warning signs.”

The Switch first started getting talked about online.

I’ll be honest. Dating traumatized me — especially in the early aughts. Part of the issue was the fact that men absolutely refused to be held accountable for how they treated me. They also wouldn’t hold one another accountable.

So, I was often gaslit into feeling defective, stupid, crazy, or wrong for wanting basic respect. There were several times when men pulled The Switch on me. I stayed because I knew everyone would just say I deserved it.

This is a phenomenon that often went undiscussed in the past. Women were often shamed into silence when things went sour for them in relationships. I remember being single and being told by men, “Oh, you just picked wrong.”

It was the advent of the internet and anonymous boards like Reddit that gave women a place to talk about the horrible experiences that they had with men, dating, and more. It was #MeToo and other movements that started to normalize the talk.

Nowadays, there are entire online forums devoted to stories of men who are sweet one second, then verbally abusive the next. Why? Because they were rejected or because they needed to flip out since a girl didn’t answer.

With more and more women coming forth with their own horror stories, something is starting to become clear: women were not the problem. The problem lay with men who didn’t want to treat women with kindness, respect, and candor.

For the first time in my lifetime, I’m seeing women talk about how they feel like a blindfold was ripped off their faces.

Cassie is a good example of the dying faith women have in men.

The more I talk to younger women (and even some Millennials), the more I keep hearing the same types of remarks. I keep hearing women say that, in theory, they would love to be married or they are interested in men.

In practice? Not so much.

Every other day, you’ll see a post on Reddit from a woman saying that she feels disgusted by men — not only because of her dating history, but because she’s seen how men treat other women around her.

This is what happens when women lose faith in men.

The internet’s open forum means men can no longer control the narrative when it comes to dating. The sheer number of horror stories and the blatant double standards are too plentiful to ignore. When you factor in the downfall of Roe, the writing is on the wall.

Women are starting to wake up to how badly they’ve been treated, and they’re pissed. Or perhaps, not pissed, but disappointed to the point that a growing number of them no longer see a point in trying to engage with men in any capacity.

What we’re seeing now is an entire gender reckoning with collective trauma.

There are two types of trauma that women face in dating: individual experience-based and collective. Individually, most women I know have had bad experiences that made them question whether they should date at all. That’s commonly discussed.

What isn’t commonly discussed is the trauma of realizing how much men, as a whole gender, treat women horribly. To a very scary number of men, women aren’t people, and their wants don’t matter. To a shockingly high number of men, women are a trophy or something to be consumed.

It’s absolutely heartbreaking to see story after story of men discarding women after they stop being useful/pretty/healthy. It’s also devastating to see how many men are not just rallying for the removal of women’s rights, but get upset when women call them out on it.

All things considered, it shouldn’t be shocking that women are starting to avoid dating and marriage. Diminished sexual attraction, guarded behavior, and avoidance are key signs of trauma exposure — and yes, that includes collective trauma as well.

I mean, there are only so many horror stories one can handle before one decides the juice ain’t worth the squeeze.

Do men realize the implications go far beyond not being able to find a date?

I don’t think that men fully grasp how traumatized women around the world are, and if they do, I’m not sure they understand what this means for them.

It means that they will be increasingly unlikely to find a date and also more likely to be met with fear or disdain in public.

But let’s look at the far-reaching implications.

• No marriage means you won’t have a wife cooking and cleaning for you. I mean, you can hire a maid and a hooker, so that isn’t a problem for some guys. But, if you always wanted a relationship, don’t be shocked if you notice it becoming harder.
• Women being unwilling to engage with men means that workplaces will become increasingly strained. You’re going to see a lot more women unwilling to hire men than you do now. This is already happening with apps like Uber and Lyft.
• Women wanting a space away from men may result in private social clubs for their main entertainment. Private clubs are not bound by the same laws as public nightclubs or public events. You will see more and more women choose to go dancing and dining with each other in spaces where men will literally get barred entry. I hope you weren’t hoping to meet your future wife in a club or party because that will become increasingly rare.
• No dating means the birth rate plummets to the point that an economic crisis occurs. I hope that you’re willing to pay top dollar for labor because there will be a lot more jobs than there are people. Moreover, if men want to be dads, they will face a dwindling number of women willing to risk their lives for it.
• Women being unwilling to raise kids means a clogged foster care system and way more single dads. Let’s say a man impregnates a woman to keep her around. We’re going to see that backfire a lot more, even in anti-choice states. I predict that women are going to choose to give children they get impregnated with up for adoption or to a Safe Haven simply because they want to cut ties with the man who mistreated them 100 percent.

What I’m saying is that women often carry the world and society on their shoulders. You’re going to see the collective female Atlas shrug the world off in ways that may shock you.

Men, if you think life is hard now, wait until what happens when women stop engaging with you, helping you, or dating you.

If men want to be angry at anyone here, they should be irate at the men who treat women badly.

I fully expect to get long-winded replies about how women need to do better, how it’s not fair that women avoid men, or some other victim-blamey bullshit.

I’m well aware that it’s #NotAllMen, but that doesn’t really help what’s going on, does it?

At the end of the day, women have exhausted themselves trying to get men to see them as equals, partners, or even human beings. The internet just made it possible for women to realize how little they got in return for risking it all.

Women didn’t do this to women. Men did. The internet just made it possible for women to realize how little men truly like or respect their gender.

So next time you see a news headline about declining marriage rates, don’t blame women. Blame the men who sparked this collective trauma in the first place.

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