The Internet Is Worried About My Penis

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Abstract

etter working penis. Not necessary, but thanks for thinking of me.</li><li>I am grateful to learn that hot singles in my area want to get together with me. I live in a very remote location, and the only single people I know right now are the Fitzpatrick brothers. They’re in their 70s, and… they’re not what you would call “hot.” I’m glad there are options around I was not aware of.</li><li>I am grateful for the bargain I am being offered on sump pumps. It hasn’t rained here in over 10 years, but you never know when a sump pump will come in handy.</li><li>I am grateful to be notified that my eBay account has been hacked and for the link I can click to fix it. I didn’t know I even had an eBay account.</li><li>I am grateful to learn that I can improve my penis’s size and performance with a patented exercise program available to me at a discount for a limited time. I’m okay, but thanks.</li></ul><figure id="65e9"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*undUSIByJG_2j3zd"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@deonblack?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Deon Black</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><ul><li>I am grateful that I am still receiving the official John Denver e-newsletter even though I unsubscribed over fifteen years ago. I suppose one can never have enough of John Denver.</li><li>I am grateful for the once-in-a-lifetime offer of a bra, designed by actual scientists to combat sag, that I can now purchase sight-unseen for a low-low price. While supplies last. How thoughtful!</li><li>I am grateful to have so many generous offers to buy my condo. It might be a stretch to call a 40-year-old double-wide trailer in the middle of an empty concrete lot a condo, but I’m not a real estate expert. I’ll be in touch.</li><li>I am grateful for the warning that pictures of my penis are about to be shared

Options

with my friends and family. I don’t know why you think I would pay you not to share them. From what I can tell, interest in my penis is growing.</li></ul><p id="1cab">Thanks to gratitude, all spam is now delicious.</p><div id="56fa" class="link-block"> <a href="https://writingcooperative.com/creative-collaboration-with-imaginary-friends-85fbe1e0cb08"> <div> <div> <h2>Creative Collaboration With Imaginary Friends</h2> <div><h3>Always ready to hear your ideas</h3></div> <div><p>writingcooperative.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*BpyuaJy1TN8rq66Dh40akQ.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="146c" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-podcasts-helped-save-my-freelancing-writing-career-8142cdcc6d56"> <div> <div> <h2>How Podcasts Helped Save My Freelance Writing Career</h2> <div><h3>A world of mentors are broadcasting ways to help you out</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*eKB9RJ3Jxi43Dgia_Vh7qQ.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="438c"><i>Thank you for reading. I’d love to share more with you via my <a href="https://mailchi.mp/5b9666ece8ef/wordsbyjohnsub"></a></i><a href="https://mailchi.mp/5b9666ece8ef/wordsbyjohnsub"><b>Bi-Weekly Word Roundup</b><i></i></a><i> newsletter sent to subscribers every other Sunday. It will feature news, productivity tips, life hacks, and links to top stories making the rounds on the Internet. You can unsubscribe at any time.</i></p></article></body>

How I’ve learned to practice gratitude with spam.

New Thought gurus on Oprah are always going on about the importance of expressing gratitude. It’s supposed to be life-changing and empowering and all sorts of stuff that’s supposed to make me as rich as Oprah… so long as I remember to practice gratitude.

Well, I’ve been practicing gratitude for a few weeks now and ain’t seen much change.

Maybe I’m doing it wrong?

Maybe all the good gratitudes have been taken.

It’s that thought that has guided me in looking for unexpected avenues to direct my gratitude.

The answer, of course, was in my Inbox all along.

People come and go, but my spam is always there for me.

Thanking my spam

I am grateful that the Internet is concerned with the length, girth, and stamina of my penis. I mean, my penis is fine and all, but I appreciate the interest.

Likewise, I am grateful that the Internet wishes to help me strengthen my pelvic floor. I don’t know what that is, but it’s nice someone cares.

I am grateful for the economic opportunities being offered to me by people all around the world. While it’s a shame that the liquor store that cashes my checks does not handle international money transfers with ease, I’m sure we can work something out.

Again, I am grateful for the wide selection of pills, creams, and meditation techniques all aimed at giving me a better working penis. Not necessary, but thanks for thinking of me.

I am grateful to learn that hot singles in my area want to get together with me. I live in a very remote location, and the only single people I know right now are the Fitzpatrick brothers. They’re in their 70s, and… they’re not what you would call “hot.” I’m glad there are options around I was not aware of.

I am grateful for the bargain I am being offered on sump pumps. It hasn’t rained here in over 10 years, but you never know when a sump pump will come in handy.

I am grateful to be notified that my eBay account has been hacked and for the link I can click to fix it. I didn’t know I even had an eBay account.

I am grateful to learn that I can improve my penis’s size and performance with a patented exercise program available to me at a discount for a limited time. I’m okay, but thanks.

I am grateful that I am still receiving the official John Denver e-newsletter even though I unsubscribed over fifteen years ago. I suppose one can never have enough of John Denver.

I am grateful for the once-in-a-lifetime offer of a bra, designed by actual scientists to combat sag, that I can now purchase sight-unseen for a low-low price. While supplies last. How thoughtful!

I am grateful to have so many generous offers to buy my condo. It might be a stretch to call a 40-year-old double-wide trailer in the middle of an empty concrete lot a condo, but I’m not a real estate expert. I’ll be in touch.

I am grateful for the warning that pictures of my penis are about to be shared with my friends and family. I don’t know why you think I would pay you not to share them. From what I can tell, interest in my penis is growing.

Thanks to gratitude, all spam is now delicious.

Thank you for reading. I’d love to share more with you via my Bi-Weekly Word Roundup newsletter sent to subscribers every other Sunday. It will feature news, productivity tips, life hacks, and links to top stories making the rounds on the Internet. You can unsubscribe at any time.