The Ins and Outs of Butt Plugs
Anal Sex from the Bottom Up: Part IV
When I wrote the first three parts of this guide, I had no idea that I was going to be asked so many questions about butt plugs, because I only mentioned them in passing as one way of getting yourself prepared for anal sex. But since plugs are popular enough to generate questions, here is my take on them.
There are three situations in which you might end up thinking about using a plug. The first — probably the most likely if you are a woman — is that your partner asks you to try one; while the second is if you decide that you might like to experiment on your own. In the third case, you might decide to experiment with one on your own, and then discover that you enjoy it so much that you approach your partner and ask if you can wear it while you are having sex.
Consent
Dealing with consent first, in case one, you have to agree to using the plug — and about which of you puts it in and takes it out. I would strongly advise that at least to begin with, this should be the person who is wearing the plug, because insertion and removal need to be done with care, based on the messages your internal sphincter is sending you. Your partner isn’t party to those messages and if you are at all tight, or the toy is a silicone one and it proves resistant to coming out, then it can be seriously uncomfortable if someone else is tugging on it and doesn’t let up.
The second case doesn’t need any consent, because you are the only person involved, but the third case does — although it might not seem so at first blush. If you use a plug during sex with a guy, the proximity of the anus to the vagina means that in many cases the base of the plug may well contact his erection during penetration, and that is more or less entirely the wrong time to start your first discussion about wearing one.
I haven’t any contacts among my girlfriends who have ever tried using a plug without it first being suggested by a male partner, so my assumption is that the majority of women who end up trying one are asked to do so. In the case of girl-girl sex, then I would still suggest establishing consent with your partner, unless you are already aware of her views.
The pros and cons of plugs
What are the benefits of using a plug? Just because you can buy an item in a sex shop doesn’t mean to say it is going to do anything for you, and although I have used plugs and do enjoy it, they don’t possess magical properties. Why? They don’t actually add that much to the act of having sex with a partner who is really good at it and in tune with you, plus they are just one more thing to deal with.
On the other hand, there is a good theoretical reason why they might intensify some women’s orgasms, and if your partner isn’t particularly good at sex and isn’t synced with you, then trying one might potentially help — although talking through the other issues will probably help more. Finally, there is the problem of what happens to plugs when you have an orgasm, because it is by no means unknown for the rectal contractions that follow to make a plug shoot out. Really and truly. In itself this isn’t a problem, but a glass plug falling on the floor can shatter (a metal one will wake up the entire house during the crash landing), and a married friend of mine once forgot about hers in the aftermath of a night of passion only for her cleaner to hand it back to her the following morning…
It has to be said that introducing something new into a stale sexual relationship can give it a temporary boost, but be aware that partners sometimes get fixed on toys as the route to sexual nirvana. If you find yourself in this situation, it is worth assessing whether the solution lies closer to home, because rushing out and buying a plug isn’t going to transform a sexual relationship that has run out of steam, any more than granny’s purchase of a new nightie probably worked for her. Failure to address issues directly risks getting trapped in a game where you end up being held entirely responsible for a problem which is only half yours — just don’t go there.
All of this is to say that while plugs can be fun, they aren’t the holy grail of sexual gratification, mainly because they are just a bit too much bother to be a totally spur of the moment thing. They do have many virtues though, especially for solo use, and I have a, umm… dear friend who loves wearing one for an hour or two when she is on her own. She says that it relaxes her, but confesses that she also finds it mildly erotic — mainly because it makes her feel naughty — and that can be a major appeal. Walking around with some plugs in place makes them waggle nicely in time with your hips, which can be a distracting feeling. Wearing heels helps… and taking long steps when you are wearing them…not that I am anything approaching an expert, you understand.
Types of plug
Let’s say that you have decided to try a plug. There are basically two grades of material used to make plugs, hard plugs, which are made out of metal, or glass; and soft plugs, which are usually made out of silicone. Regardless of material, they come in an astonishingly wide array of shapes and sizes, most of which make more sense on the designer’s tablet than they will inside you, and some of which are so badly thought out as to be frankly dangerous. Don’t forget that the only testing most of these products get is by the people who order them, and that if one proves to have a serious drawback, there are no official routes for anyone to hear about it.
Despite the diversity of design, there are hardly any plugs which fulfill the obvious basic criteria that human anatomy demands, which I find incredible, because we all have somewhere to try them. I would love to know how many of the designers have ever used their products, and I suspect that the answer is not many.
There are two groups of plugs: ones that are designed to be self-retaining, which can be worn for a couple of hours at a time, and which let you sit down comfortably while you are wearing them; and ones that won’t stay in of their own volition, many of which are designed for manipulation during sex. This second group are often made of glass, and often have a handle so that you, or your lover, can get a grip and push them in and pull them out. Since the second group are dildos by another name, we will move on.
There are three parts to a self-retaining plug: the head, the neck, and the base. For safety and ease of insertion, the head of a plug should be somewhere approaching an egg shape in its long axis, with the smaller end facing away from the base. The one thing a plug absolutely should not do is to end in anything approaching a point, because perforating the bowel can kill you from sepsis, but it is surprising how many plugs show precisely this design fault. Some plugs have a spherical head and those are perfectly safe, but can be more difficult to insert, because the internal sphincter of the anus has to stretch quite abruptly over them, instead of taking its time as it would with the progressive stretching caused by an egg shaped head. Another solution to the taper problem is to make the head out of a series of balls of increasing size set one atop the other, with the largest ball next to the neck. A plug of this type stretches your sphincter in stages as it goes in, and equally can generate all sorts of interesting sensations when it is slowly pulled out again… or so they tell me. Just don’t forget to use a lot of lube.
Vital statistics
When you insert a plug, the head sits inside your rectum, with your anal sphincters gripping the neck. The base is the only thing stopping the whole thing disappearing inside, triggering an embarrassing visit to the emergency room, a general anesthetic to retrieve it, and a lecture from a red-faced junior surgeon. Don’t laugh, this has been known to happen and your medical insurer may or may not be sympathetic. So choose your toy carefully.
Since your anal sphincter is at approximately two inches deep from top to bottom, you would expect most toys to have necks of around this length, but a shorter neck can work. The reason for this is that the anus tapers around the external sphincter and so a shorter neck encourages the base to pull up snug against with your anal skin and prevents it catching on everything (strings can be problematic in this regard). A neck an inch long can be sufficient, provided the circumference of the widest part of the head is 4.75 inches or less — but once that measurement passes 5 inches, then an extra half inch of neck is definitely needed for comfort. It is frankly amazing how many toys fall at this particular hurdle.
The necks of self-retaining plugs vary from extremely thin (mainly metal toys), to only marginally slimmer than the head — and there are a few plugs which have hardly any taper at all. Plugs with a more or less constant circumference rarely stay in of their own accord unless they are made of silicone, and glass plugs are unlikely to stay in if the head to neck ratio is any less than 5 to 3.
Thin necked plugs are the darlings of porn directors, but if they all had to wear one whilst filming they would vanish from our screens, because they can be quite challenging to get out again and can feel irritating when they are in. Why? Because the internal sphincter is able to contract right down after the head goes inside and once it has done that, you have to stretch it all the way back up again to get the plug out. Some will say that that is the whole point, and if you have plenty of practice, it is perfectly do-able, but for the rest of us I can’t imagine it being a major attraction. The other problem with these is that once the plug is inside, all you can feel is the neck and if it is thin, the stimulation is minimal.
Metal plugs and some of the heavier glass plugs have enough weight that there is a kind of ‘bearing down’ feeling when they are in, which some people definitely enjoy, while others don’t like it at all. If you are a woman, wearing a pair of opaques over your panties will help support a heavier plug if you want to wear it during the day, but I would recommend a panty liner, because the lube tends to leak back down past them. Not so much of a problem in bed, but a bit of a poser in the office.
Safety net
The base, as I mentioned above, is your insurance against the plug slipping inside, and so it needs to be wider than the neck. Quite how wide depends on the shape of the base and whether the neck tapers into it or not. One popular solution is to make the base more or less rectangular with rounded edges, allowing the width to be the same as the neck in one axis, but much longer in the other.
The plug shown above has exactly that sort of design. Three quarters of an inch of flange on either side in a design like this gives you an entire inch and a half of reassurance, and the plug shown is the Icicles №47, which has a head made of three balls increasing in size towards the neck. The circumference of the largest ball is 4.75 inches, while the neck is 2.5 inches, giving a ratio of 5 to 2.63, which means that the neck won’t feel particularly stretchy if you are used to anal sex. The length of the t-bar base is 2.5 inches, while its maximum width is 1.75 inches, and if I ever used plugs I wouldn’t be able to feel the base at all when I was wearing the 47.
Unfortunately, plugs with round bases often tread much closer to the margin for safety — the absolute lower limit that I would contemplate being a base whose diameter was two-thirds of an inch of diameter larger than the neck, and that would be for a plug without any taper from the base of the neck into the base. An inch of extra base diameter over the neck would be a safer bet, because there is plenty of space down there to wear a plug with a base of that diameter without any discomfort.
Some plugs have bases which aren’t flat, and while I am sure there must be folk who get on with these, many aren’t even remotely comfortable. The reason they are on sale is because they have been designed by idiots, not because of any potential advantage, and the worst examples have t-bar bases which curl up in a half-moon shape at the ends. While these might look great on the drawing board, they can dig into your perianal skin, which is much more sensitive than the manufacturers allow. In some cases the half moons are supposed to work as handles, but they would have been far better left out.
The width of the neck
The width of the neck is the key to how the toy will feel when you are wearing it, and for a self-retaining plug it is impossible to overstate the importance of this. The wider the neck, the more your anus stays stretched while you are wearing the thing. The thicker the neck, the more you will be aware of the plug, the thinner, the less you will be aware of it. Nothing else about the design counts.
Despite many of us enjoying the feeling of being stretched, very few plugs are designed with necks that have a circumference of the three inches it takes to generate this sensation in a woman (or man) who is used to anal sex… welcome back to the total lack of logic in this market. Do the companies who make plugs do any market research?
If designers are thinking about anything at all when they are creating a plug, it is the circumference of the head gets their focus. Yes, the head is important for the additional sensation of stretch as it provides as it goes in and out, and yes, it does help to retain the plug, but coupling it with a thin neck is senseless, almost as bad as the crime of making the neck too short.
Gaining experience
Now for some numbers. If you are a beginner, do not start with a plug whose head is more than three and a quarter inches in circumference. After you have got used to that, then with daily practice, you should be able to go up in half inch stages to five inches in circumference over a couple of weeks, which I would suggest is an extremely good place to stop.
Can you go further? Yes, but… The more frequently you use a plug, the more your anus will stretch, which in turn means you will need progressively larger plugs to experience the same feeling, because the feedback your body provides will adapt to the degree of stretch. If you go crazy, plugs with a circumference of nearly ten inches are available, but incontinence and rectal prolapse loom at that size. You have been warned.
If you have anal sex on anything approaching a regular basis, then you could probably start and finish with a plug whose neck has a circumference of about three inches, which means it will need a head with a circumference of five inches to stay in. As I mentioned earlier, the problem is that designers, bless ’em, have given us very few plugs that fulfill both those criteria, and which have a safe flange on the base.
One glass plug I have seen that comes near to this particular ideal is the Lovehoney Amethyst, which is shown right at the top, but it isn’t perfect. This has a 5:3:5 head to neck to base circumference ratio, not that you would guess so from the company website, which is economical with numbers, although it is better than some. However, this plug has some noticeable design flaws. The first is that it treads right on the limit for the flange — it would be perfect if it had a 5:3:6 ratio, which would bring the safety margin of the base up nearer to a full inch. The second flaw is while the plug is okay for short term use, the neck could do with being at least half an inch longer and because of that, the plug can become quite uncomfortable over time. The third flaw is that the base is a bit too thin, which acts in concert with the short neck to make it pinch a bit, a problem which could be fixed by giving the base a deeper profile, more like the plug shown below. So my suggestion is to pass on the Amethyst and read on.
The same company do a vibrating plug called a Power Gem (shown above) which does tick the 5:3:6 ratio but that one is silicone and will need a fair bit of lube to get inside. Again, a woman who is used to anal sex would find this to be a good plug with a bit of practice.
One of the Lovehoney Full Bloom Rose plugs is shown just above. These are exceptionally well-designed tapered plugs with oval heads, wide necks, and generous bases. The shape of the head means that they can easily be inserted without lube (just wet them) if you are practiced, they retain well, and are comfortable for hours on end. There are two sizes: a small one with a head circumference of 3.75 inches; and the large one with a circumference of 4.75 inches, a neck 3.75 inches in circumference and a base measuring 6 inches.
If I ever wore a butt plug, then the larger Lovehoney Full Bloom Rose would be my absolute total, hands down favorite. But I don’t, so how could I possibly comment?
The reason this plug is so comfortable to wear is because the waisted taper built into the neck and base lets it fit super snugly into the shape of the external anal canal. You can feel the base filling your external anal canal and it is super nice. The one very slight disadvantage is that the deeply sculpted rose molded into the base of this plug projects just a little too far… this means that sitting on a hard chair risks a giveaway chink of glass on wood, so some crossing and uncrossing of legs may be necessary to disguise it. Had the rose a slightly shallower profile, these plugs would be completely beyond criticism, but as it is, they are very decorative, and they slide in and out really easily compared to silicone plugs. Try a flashing smile at your lover before bending over to undo a pair of strappy heels…
One measurement I haven’t talked about is the length of a plug — there is no need for them to be any longer than five inches unless the head circumference is greater than 5 inches. Why? Your rectum doesn’t have any touch sensation at all, so once the head is inside you, it isn’t doing anything except keeping the plug in place. The feeling of fullness that a plug brings is almost entirely due a combination of anal stretch and the plug bearing down on the internal face of the sphincter — in practice the head would have to be huge to stretch your rectum enough for its size to come into play. Plugs with longer heads do have a use, however, because some enjoy the gradual stretch as they are inserted ever deeper.
Getting a Plug Out
What goes up must come down, right? In this case, not quite. The problem with silicone plugs in particular, is that the water-based lube that must be used with them wears off during insertion, and will be totally gone after about ten minutes. By then, the anal sphincter will have contracted back down, and the first time you retrieve a plug of this type you may end up with visions of having to wear it forever.
A silicone plug can give every impression that it has no plans to budge, at least to begin with, but be patient, hold the base and apply a gentle, but firm pull. After a few seconds, the plug will start to come out, and now is the time to rock it backwards and forwards — slowly — which will gently stretch the anus and help it open. Now relax… you will feel the plug come down and then, as it passes through the internal sphincter, everything will feel very tight and you will get the urge to push. Once the plug starts come out faster, the best thing is to push back on it, using less force than you need to push it right back in (unless you are planning to do that), and just enough to slow its progress through the sphincter. This is much more pleasant that letting the body just eject it, believe me. Or so they tell me, I forgot, I never use these things…
Shaped plugs
One group I haven’t mentioned are ‘shaped’ plugs, usually marketed as prostate stimulators and which very often have a built-in vibrator. This type of plug is often curved, sometimes quite markedly so (the Svakom Julie above being a good example), and many have contoured heads into the bargain. The Svakom Julie is a nicely designed plug, with just one caveat — its round base means that there is nothing to stop it swiveling around when it is inside, and ending up with the curve facing sideways, or even backwards. Whether this matters or not depends on whether you are signed up to the theory behind this group of plugs, which is that they ‘massage’ the prostate in men or can hit the G-spot in women. Some even call the prostate the ‘male G-spot’, which leaves me open mouthed, because there has never been any proof that a female G-spot exists, so proposing a male one is a bold move.
Needless to say, I cannot speak from personal experience about prostate massage, but I have yet to come across a guy who has convinced me that a plug of this type has worked any better for him than a straight one. That would make sense, because the only sensations to be felt within the pelvis are stretch and pain — there being no nerves internally which conduct touch or vibration. 95% of the sensory effect of the plug is felt by the anus, full stop. The theory behind these plugs comes from prostatic massage, but that was developed as a medical procedure and has dubious relevance to pleasure in sex. However, aficionados of such devices tell me that the ones with long, shaped bases work better than anything else, so I will take their word for it. As for a prostate plug stimulating the G spot in a woman, forget it, sis, the root of the clitoral complex is the full width of the vagina away.
Svakom also do a plug called the Primo, which has a ‘warming’ function, allowing it to heat up to 38 degrees. Like the Julie, this comes with a remote and has multiple modes and speeds. In many respects, it is a more sensible design than the Julie, because it is straight and can’t possibly turn the wrong way, but the warming mode is surplus to requirements because even glass plugs warm up in moments. While I think of it, if a plug with this profile was available in glass, it would be an instant winner.
This brings us on to vibrating plugs in general, and they can be fun, although they usually have about four dozen too many settings for their own good. If you buy one, you will probably end up using no more than the first two on the list. As I mentioned in an earlier article, the ones that come with a remote can be tremendous fun if you hand over the control to a devoted lover. I have sat through at least one dinner party where a few warning glances had to be shot across the table.
Douching
I touched on douching in an earlier article but should have written more about it. Under normal circumstances, the rectum is empty, so in theory douching isn’t necessary at all, but in practice, there is a benefit when you use silicone plugs, because douching beforehand reduces the chances of them picking up that certain smell and can completely eliminate it. Glass plugs never smell, but once a silicone one has picked up the odor, it can linger.
Rectal douches are a big subject, but in this case, the challenge for us is that once again, the designer’s brains were out to lunch when they sat down at the drawing board for the stand-alone ones. The three characteristics an anal douche requires are:
- a flexible tube with a decent length
- a more rigid, but skin-friendly nozzle about five inches long with a rounded end and a diameter of at least half an inch — so that you can feel it going in
- a decent capacity reservoir, of at least 7.6 fl.oz, or 250ml
The majority score on the last point, but… most are made with hand-squeezable bulbs attached directly to short, slimline, straight, rigid nozzles, reducing douching to something resembling a contortionist show, with the added excitement that poking a thin, hard pointy nozzle up your ass is risky, bordering on the insane.
If you get the sense that I am not impressed, then you are correct. My inner engineer rebels at the crass design of douches, even if I know nothing about that sort of engineering. However, there is help at hand in the form of shower attachments, which offer all sorts of possibilities. Generally, these are much better designed than the stand-alone douches, and they should prove much safer, unless you open the tap too far, or run the water for too long. A couple of pints (roughly a liter) is plenty, so it is a good idea to time how long it takes to run that much in at a given tap setting. Put in too much and you could cause some serious trouble by overloading your bowel.
Silicone, glass, or metal?
Finally, should you buy silicone, glass, or metal? For obvious reasons, you won’t find any glass plugs that have a built-in vibrator, but for any given circumference of head, a glass plug always slips in much more easily, because it lacks the built-in friction that comes with silicone. Much the same goes for metal plugs. If I had any experience of either, I would say that they are 50% easier to put in and take out, but I don’t, so I can’t.
You can also use silicone lube with glass plugs, but it is a total no-no with silicone plugs (yes, I know it sounds wrong) because they will melt. This effect is pronounced enough that if you use a glass plug lubricated with silicone lube first, before swapping to a silicone plug greased with a water-based lube later, there is still a danger of the silicone plug ending up being damaged because of the persistence of the silicone inside you.
Part of the appeal of glass toys, and metal ones, is that once you are used to one, it is rare to need any lube to insert it, which makes them a lot less fuss to use. The same can’t be said of silicone plugs, which will almost always need lube.
And that is it. Hopefully, you know enough to select a plug that works for you, establish consent if needed, and enjoy yourself to the limit. Just don’t let it fire out during an orgasm, and if it does, let me know how far it went — there are some interesting ballistic calculations to be made here…
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