Summary

The author describes their journey of healing and personal growth following their mother's death, leading to a memoir, a shift towards a simpler lifestyle, and a reconciliation with their inner child.

Abstract

The author shares a deeply personal account of their emotional turmoil after losing their mother, which resurfaced childhood trauma related to their mother's institutionalization for schizophrenia. They express their anguish through a childlike need for their mother, engaging in a spiritual dialogue with God, and experiencing a profound connection with their inner child. This process of healing and self-discovery led the author to write a memoir, despite having no prior writing experience. The therapeutic act of writing and editing their life story brought about a stronger, more resilient self. The author's journey culminates in a desire for a simpler life, characterized by downsizing material possessions, embracing natural aging, and finding freedom in letting go of societal pressures.

Opinions

The author believes that their mother's death triggered a deep emotional response, akin to a child's cry for their parent.
They express a spiritual perspective, viewing their mother as God's creation first and foremost, which helped them cope with their loss.
The author suggests that the length of their grief was misunderstood by others, implying that the depth of love and loss is not necessarily related to the age of the deceased.
They hold the view that writing their memoir was a therapeutic process that contributed significantly to their healing and personal development.
The author values the simplicity and freedom that come with downsizing and letting go of material possessions, which they see as burdens rather than symbols of success.
They reveal a sense of pride and liberation in embracing their natural gray hair, defying societal beauty standards and the expectations of their peers.
The author's opinion reflects a belief in the importance of inner peace and self-acceptance over external validation and keeping up with societal norms.

The Inner and Outer

Harmony

Photo by Fransiskus Filbert Mangundap on Unsplash

After the demise of my mom, the sorrow I suffered from her loss reached the pit of my existence and a release of my inner child. Many days I had extreme despair and buckled to my knees in prayer to God. There was no one else who could save me.

I was crying out and saying, “I want my mommy” just like a child would do. All mothers know the sound of their children calling for them. It was a wailing of my childhood emotions. A deep void inside of me because they institutionalized my mother when I was very young for schizophrenia.

So when my mother took her last breath after the shock of her death wore off, my inner child appeared and I was an emotional wreck.

I was begging God for mercy because I wasn’t sure how much more pain I could endure from my inner child. I spent many days in anger and rage yelling to my God and telling Her, “She was my mommy you gave her to me and now you took her back.” Just like a kid would do.

But while speaking these words I knew she was God’s first before she was mine, I had no control, just like children who have no control over their surroundings.

My little person in me was pure and beautiful, full of love and need and reaching out even though she was in an adult body wanting her mommy that she felt she had lost in her youth.

Her emotional arrest cried a river of tears as we healed our pain-body together. It was an unfolding of my files of sorrow in the arms of God. Knowing my Creator was the only one who could help me, who understands me from the beginning and until my end.

I can’t tell you how many people around me thought I was crazy because of the length of my grief. And because my mom lived a long life. As if her age made a difference in how you love and accept someone’s death.

But I made it through by the grace of God. And I united with my inner child and that freed me up to a new chapter in my life. A wholeness that I didn’t have before.

And because of that, I had a desire to write my memoir, although I had no experience with writing. I got up every morning and with my family’s presence that passed on and the Holy Spirit; I accomplished it.

And when you write your life story and you have to edit it repeatedly, you keep walking through the good and also the pain, the therapeutic results of writing it created an entire self. Brighter, stronger, and more resilient being.

And the guts it took to release my memoir to the world and your neighbors who live around you. My secrets are now made public, which allowed me to accept my truth without shame. And that produced a concrete person.

What I didn’t realize that it would lead me to want to downsize to a smaller home and wanting a simple life. For me, the meaning of a simple life is letting go of things that burden you down.

Stuff that requires maintenance, time, and money. Things that I wanted that society said I required to be successful. Things that were bought when I didn’t have my whole self. The part of me that didn’t have completeness because of my child needs.

In my maturity, the simple life is letting that stuff go that requires so much upkeep.

Going through my closets filled with clothes and things and clutter, the inner took over and I could get rid of all that and create space for a new life. Lots of artwork I have are pictures of children and their innocence. Indicative of my childhood emotional unrest.

I have also accomplished letting my gray hair grow out, and I am pleasantly surprised that I like the color. Some of my tennis buddies warned me against it but I did it and now I can see they are a little jealous that I’m free from that chemical and smell on my head every couple of months of dying it.

It’s a reflection of my security and growth, which is part of me that says what you think of me is none of my business.

When the inner part of yourself is solid, you don’t have to keep up with the Joneses anymore. Less is more is a simple life. And that gives you a lot of freedom.

We are putting our home on the market and hopefully can find a smaller home that requires less maintenance and more time to enjoy life simply.

I’m looking forward to a new journey. A life that’s not shackled to a bunch of material things.