The Importance of Self-doubt

My goals were clear.

Sort of.

Finish medical school. Start my masters as soon as possible, preferably a Masters in Human Anatomy. Get my PhD even faster. Then lecture.

Now I have different plans.

I don’t want to pursue my masters.

I have a book that had returns from my investment streaming five weeks after its launch.

I am now actively pursuing my interests at the intersection of evolutionary biology, microbiology, and complexity. Aside from that, I want to build a physical school, but for now, I only have a virtual one.

Then I can lecture.

My goals were not as clear as I thought.

Throughout this transitional period, my days have been laced with a lot of doubt.

I want to teach, not practice medicine. But how can I sustainably do it?

My writing escapades online have been keeping me grounded on a system I intend to continue with for the rest of my life. That is, learning continuously. Writing daily is one of the ways I do this, supported by the very job that doesn’t have my heart.

I also want to tell the world about my interesting theory of evolution. To me, it’s so interesting, that I have to consider how to best deliver it to my readers, who if they will, can share my articles with those who might be interested.

These are my interests — having a school with returns that can comfortably sustain my livelihood, telling the world about my new theory, and pursuing my intellectual interests. Teaching, writing, and above all, reading. Lifelong learning, irrationally, and at my pace.

For this and other reasons, I’ve doubted myself so many times. My escape has always been that we’re all going to die. Just like our ideas. We’ll all die.

Might as well pursue it.

Regardless, you can’t simply play Taylor Swift’s song. Shaking self-doubt is difficult.

Intrinsic motivation vs external validation

I have intrinsic motivation.

It’s what has kept me going even when everything else was going awry. From my time in medical school to my present state, as a practicing doctor, the drive has always been present.

My colleagues ask how I get the energy to write daily. I honestly don’t know. I can have a hectic twelve-hour shift and still walk home with a spring in my step because I’m going to work on something I love — my project.

What has been taking a backseat of late has been my reading. Not completely, but it has reduced. I plan on changing that. Writing helps. But reading is my fortress.

It helps because I don’t want to give my readers false information.

Writing is also immediate feedback for my stupidity. I’ve had moments when I thought I understood a concept only for writing to show me my blind spots. Fact-checking accompanies my regular habit of writing. It’s made it easier for me to write with a clean conscience and with clarity.

Intrinsic motivation is evident from these and other projects I still have on the side.

As for extrinsic motivation, I learnt the hard way. Again, through writing.

After publishing my book, I expected it to reach some of the people I idolized.

I mean, what does the 6 degrees of separation tell us? My book should have reached Stanford or Harvard by now.

Shock on me.

I’ve been churning out articles regularly about how my theory changes how we view organisms, but these are usually some of my least-read articles.

One, however, surprised me. It was the article I wrote to clarify what my theory was about. On a relative basis, it has a lot of views and a high reading ratio. This is the article, in case you’re interested.

But this motivation got me focusing on the wrong thing — extrinsic motivation.

I cared for my readers so much that I made sure I eliminated most of the hard stuff. Clarity was the goal.

Extrinsic motivation can be disheartening when you believe you’re delivering quality and yet, there’s no appreciation for your work.

After reading an article about writing for your best readers, extrinsic motivation disappeared. I was only left with intrinsic drive.

Art is not osmosis. It does not spread as particles do. But it does spread if you’re persistent enough. Most importantly, your work spreads if you care.

To understand the relevance of caring, let’s go back to Moses.

When Moses was sent to free the Israelites, he doubted himself

Moses was a stammerer.

He was born in a foreign land, killed an Egyptian, and ran into the wilderness to atone. He cared about his self-image and what his life meant to himself and those close to him.

I believe the desert heat did not get to him when he saw the burning bush. The Bible, however, is not clear about that.

When he approached it, he heard the voice. That voice. It commanded him to go free his people.

But he was a stammerer. He was a nobody. How would they listen to him?

He cared.

God then empowered him with three items. A skin-morphing hand, a transformable staff, and a promise.

He might not have had intrinsic motivation, but regardless, he cared. He did not want to waste the time of the Egyptian leaders nor offer his people false promises.

Caring is a measure of self-doubt.

Eminem sings:

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

He’s vomited on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

He’s nervous

But on the surface he looks calm and ready…but he keeps on forgetting

That was Moses.

He had self-doubt because he cared.

Think about all of the patriarchs the bible praises. At some point, they expressed self-doubt. It was a surrogate marker of someone who cared.

Caring enough to doubt is caring to lose — which is a good thing

After putting my ideas in a 300+ page book, I imagined speaking to some of the heavyweights in evolution.

Would they listen to me?

I have barely published a peer-reviewed article in evolution. Will they listen to my radical ideas?

I had an unshakable thought about the whole endeavour. From the moment it became clear to me that this theory has the potential to shift mindsets, I knew I had fallen into the sea with the great whites. Sharks who wouldn’t spare anything. They’d go for the jugular.

But there was no turning back.

I pictured having a debate with a prominent scientist, who has had their entire life shaped by the very idea I was challenging. He wouldn’t hesitate to murder me and my ideas publicly.

It was a survival story in the waiting.

In my quiver, I only had my hands, my drive, and my curiosity.

I cared that I might be telling people the wrong thing. So much of my writing is laced with cautiously chosen words to avoid giving the wrong impression.

Bertrand Russell often talks of the confident vs the uncertain. He welcomes uncertainty more than confidence. These are the philosophers who encouraged me to continue pursuing my ideas against all odds.

I had a lot of doubts.

Looking back, the doubt meant I cared.

Imposter syndrome is evidence of caring

It’s the single question most people ask.

I have a leadership role in Rotaract District 9212. I’ve been organizing meetings ever since 2019. I’ve seen amazing speakers attend these meetings.

The one question most people ask is:

How do you deal with Imposter Syndrome?

When I was planning to launch my book, I asked myself the same question. I didn’t want to give the audience a rehearsed answer. So I introspected.

The result was a story I heard from Feynman. He spoke about ideas. He mentioned how all ideas are bound to fail. Even if there’s one that’s exponentially more successful, it too is bound to fail.

Since most ideas will eventually have this outcome, why not pursue it? If it interests you, why keep it to yourself? Why not share it with the world?

It’s what I clung to.

Critics often don’t have the boldness to stick with their ideas enough to write an entire book about it. Furthermore, we don’t remember the critics. We remember the authors.

I took this idea and ran with it.

Now that I know more about self-doubt, I view it differently.

A lot of doubt meant I cared. Cared enough to do a lot of research. Cared to deliver my ideas with clarity. Cared to take my idea and present it to the public where I run the risk of failing with it.

It was either I ride or die with my idea.

I chose to ride.

The results have been mind-blowing.

The ripple effects continue to move me through this wave of a field in which I barely have a voice. And what continues to drive me is a deep sense of curiosity.

Curiosity is my intrinsic motivation. A drive to teach what I know from the lens of my theory of evolution makes me care a lot because I care for whoever will be listening, reading, or following.

I don’t want to teach falsities.

So I dig deep, find my facts, and simplify them for my readers.

Writing points me to my areas of weakness. I read about it. Once corrected, I write again and see if I’ve understood it. Then I prepare to publish the article.

When you care, you go the extra mile.

Fulfillment surplus is what we get for caring

Self-doubt is indicative of someone who cares.

If you care, you can shut out extrinsic motivation and focus on your curiosity. The fire burning at the pit of your stomach forces you to chase your idea or project with tenacity.

If anyone can relate to this journey, they’d know how rewarding the process tends to be. The returns might not be immediate nor can they show up immediately.

Mendel died before his ideas were discovered. Boltzmann suffered the same fate. Yet, their ideas were revolutionary.

Extrinsic motivation might not be the best predictor of success. Nor should it be the driver. Intrinsic motivation should be for the simple reason that eventually, all ideas die.

So why not enjoy the ride?

Furthermore, if you care enough, you can shield yourself from the distraction of external motivators. Sometimes they can help, and give you feedback about the kind of work you do. I have received heartwarming comments from my readers, which have helped wade through misty days.

But the engine comes from caring deeply about my work.

It’s its own reward, what I like to call fulfillment surplus.

If it pays out eventually, even better. It already paid in the first couple of weeks after my book launch.

I now wait to see how my school, The One Alternative Academy, pans out.

These two are my lifelong projects. One in science, and another in business, all linked through teaching, writing, and reading.

It’s how I plan to write my survival story.

As I close…

Self-doubt is a guide.

It should be your guide.

It means you care enough about what you’re working on.

Imposter syndrome can be paralyzing. But if you only remember it indicates that you care, you can be motivated to continue pursuing it.

Self-doubt informs. It tells you that you’re on the right track. You should be enjoying the journey. Note the corners, the dungeons, the fog, and continue along that path.

Remember this:

If you care, you intrinsically search for quality.

Chase it.

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