The Illuminati Ganga Automated Drive-By Solution

ILLUMINATI GANGA

People have recently asked us “Hey, Illuminati Ganga how can you be a super-important organization of smartasses if you don’t have an automated driving solution that will be ready and on our streets maybe killing people in under 5 years time?”

To which we reply, obviously we couldn’t — which is why we have an automated driving solution that will incredibly soon be killing people right in your neighborhood!

What is your address?

The recent report Temporal Alignment Statement & Finances, running through last years various time travel based businesses results

had some notes regarding the Marketing Services — B2B Sales division of the Time Travel business

Obviously one common usage of time travel is to deliver a product to yourself before you have developed it, thus saving a good deal of money in the development process. Although this sort of delivery is more expensive than other time travel services Illuminati Ganga offers I trust that a moment’s reflection will convince you of its worth.

Of course, once you have this kind of working informational harvesting of future data, done in a reliable, consistent and stable manner so as to avoid any problems from the Cantelwitz conjecture (that there is a simple reality maintaining function preventing most time alterations from creating real branches in reality), you’re going to want to dip and wet your beak a bit, and that’s how we were able to pull back various communications from IG Agent 81, Director Illuminati Ganga American West Regional Headquarters, in regards to an exciting future automotive solution from Illuminati Ganga Automotive Solutions (IGAS) known as the Shoot-First, Verify-Later Car.

The first document retrieved from the future of just a few years from now was the following email to a valued customer.

Dear Valued Customer,

We at Illuminati Ganga Automotive Solutions are very proud of our shoot-first, verify-later car and believe it offers an advanced application for dealing with the responsibilities of modern-day vehicular violence.

With the shoot-first, verify-later car you do not need to slow down or otherwise inhibit your driving experience in order to shoot to kill, shoot to maim, shoot to scare shit out of, or shoot to look like a drunken fool (please note more shooting modules expected soon).

Furthermore the shoot-first, verify-later car protects you against any legal repercussions based on not intending to verify, as our paid jurists have agreed in court cases we bribed to completion that the possession of any of the fine Illuminati Ganga cars containing verify-later technologies shows a clear intention to verify-later, no matter how much later that verification may actually take place.

This came as a great relief to Mr. Carl Drengenberg who shot his brother Roy first six months ago, but did not use his verify-later options until actually requested to do so by Police. When questioned as to why he had waited until such a late date to verify Carl replied: “Grief, I guess?”

I’m sure we can all feel Carl’s grief, just as I know that I feel absolutely awful about little fluffy. But if you think of it, how could your husband even guess that little fluffy would be in the area as he just happened to be testing out the many advanced shooting options of the shoot-first, verify-later car?

He had no way, Dear Valued Customer. As soon suppose that your husband has taken a large insurance policy on your life through the long-standing and trustworthy Illuminati Ganga Insurance Group (IGIG) and cut the engineering team of the shoot-first, verify-later car in on a piece of the action! :) No, Dear Valued Customer, my advice to you is to forget fluffy, and spend as much time as you can around the shoot-first, verify-later car so as to get over any lingering bad feelings you might have about this terrific piece of equipment.

Remember, I didn’t just help build the shoot-first, verify-later car, I use it every day on my way to work!

So long life and unforeseen monetary good fortune to you and yours, Dear Valued Customer.

Thank you, IG Agent 81 President and Chairperson, Ill. G. Inc.

According to news reports of the near future this Roy Drengenberg thing is a medium sized issue in the media. Illuminati Ganga definitely ends up getting a small bit of flack on social media and Agent 81 ends up making an official statement on a morning news in answer to some ill-founded reports that Mr. Drengenberg’s brother shot him twice, the second time post-release from the hospital after the brother had recuperated from the first shooting.

Transcript — Good Morning America

I believe you are mistaken, no doubt misled by the fact that the shoot-first, verify-later car was used in both incidents of supposed attempts on Roy Drengenberg’s life. What has been typically obscured by left-wing anti-shoot-first technologies media groups when focusing on this case is that the second incident, which was the one that actually cost Roy Drengenberg his life, was an unofficial usage of a hacked shoot-first, verify-later car, so as to run a malicious drive-over quick and leave-the-scene module. Such unofficial modules, without the Illuminati Ganga seal of approval, are in fact illegal under the DMCA and Illuminati Ganga prosecutes said incidents as strenuously as the law which we’ve paid for allows.

That’s highly skilled maneuvering right there!

This was just the first step off a tightly orchestrated media blitz, where IG Agent 81 used her advanced mastery of memetic engineering to drive the discourse in the direction she wanted, mainly to extol the many values of a car that one could easily slot new kill modules into as the need arose.

This was from another interview show on Fox News.

I am just pleased as punch to let you all in on this and I hope you will be pleased to hear that the shoot-first, verify-later car is a partially autonomous, self-accelerating unit, and comes fully equipped with evasive maneuvers!

That’s why the President of the United States himself uses a shoot-first, verify-later car because he’s not the kind of guy to think about petroleum products in times requiring exchange of gunfire.

The shoot-first, verify-later car is the high-tech solution which has given the President the enviable reputation for straight-shooting, not sticking around for the consequences which he, not to mention the rest of us, enjoys today.

Later that same on day on A Reddit AMA she had this to say about a question regarding “pedestrian guns”

The shoot first, verify later car, like many technologically advanced products has a devoted following among its user base, some of this user base are the so-called ‘hard-liners’, depraved hippie-like individuals that feel it is ‘groovy’ or ‘flipped-out’ to drive the shoot first, verify later car while shooting heroin, note that officially the shoot first, verify later car does not come with a shooting heroin module.

There is nothing pedestrian about our guns, our guns are the finest, please note our award-winning email campaign “Increase your guns, she’ll love you for it.”

If a gang of ‘hard-liners’ have indeed flattened anybody you care about then I believe they could only have done so using the illegal malicious drive-over quick and leave-the-scene module that has become popular on the streets in recent months.

These mods are killing our industry, and I hope to see something done about this as soon as possible. Luckily that new boy, ‘Mr. President’, that we hired seems a real go-getter, who loves his shoot first, verify later car. I have full faith in Mr. President’s ability to get to the bottom of any misuse of shoot first, verify later cars by ‘hard-liners’ and other freaks.

This article was written by IG Agent 77, whose mind we fear has finally gone bye-bye.

Previous Articles of Interest

Notes — Edwin Eerie is mentioned in the book The Vaults of Fug

Available in ebook format from Amazon for 99 cents.

Tunes For Your Automated Driving and Killing Pleasure

The Hitmagist has been so kind as to develop a playlist well suited to this article.