Dog Humour

The Hypocrisy of a Childfree Dog Parent

Don’t you just love that new puppy smell

Both dogs and babies can be gross. But to me, a gross dog is almost endearing, whereas a gross baby is just, gross.

My eyes roll up to the ceiling, as yet another baby gaggles at me from the TV. Why do advertisers use babies, to sell unrelated products? Does this marketing actually work? I scroll through Instagram. Why is it that many of the small businesses I follow are now posting an excessive number of baby images? “What has a baby got to do with an energy drink anyway?” I grump to myself. A quick tap of the “unfollow” button sorts that out.

Before I log off something catches my eye. An edible little puppy. She can’t be more than 8 weeks old, all squishy and doe-eyed. Her little ears frame her delightful face and draw attention to the cutest boopable nose. She is scrumptious.

I take action, immediately. I “like” the post and of course, I have to comment “aww you are edible,” along with five heart emojis. The dreamboat puppy is beside some random washing-up liquid. I’ve never heard of it, but of course, I add it to my shopping list.

Cuteness Triggers Our Brain

According to this article, “Cute babies are just extremely hard to ignore, and this is likely hardwired into our brains.” Well, the truth is, the relevant neurons in my own brain, have never worked. They do not light up when I am exposed to a baby, heck I may as well be looking at a rock. But show me a puppy, any dog, or any animal for that matter, and my neurons have a full-on breakdancing competition.

Workplace Baby Visit

I’m afraid I have no desire to hold or “smell” a newborn baby. I know what you are thinking, but I promise I am not a monster. I’m that person loitering at the back of a gathering when a colleague pops into the office, with their new baby. As the adoring group passes the gurgling mite around, I edge further and further away.

I’m also that weirdo who will accost you whilst you are out walking with your new pup. I will cross the street and quicken my pace, to catch up with you. I will want to know everything about your puppy. I will kneel on the pavement, talking excitedly, to your little bundle of joy.

Pets and Social Media

I follow a lot of animals on social media. I love the light-hearted sense of fun. I adore seeing cute images and amusing videos. Oh, what joy our animals provide. Even more palpable during difficult times, such as COVID19. If you haven’t seen any of the Olive and Mabel videos by Andrew Cotter, what are you waiting for? Here is a link, you can thank me later. I’m afraid babies don’t have the same effect on me.

Here’s the thing, I know I am not alone in my penchant for cute animals and disinterest in “cute” babies. I have seen many posts on social media saying something along the lines of “having a bad day, please send dog pics.” Yet, I have never seen a post saying “having a bad day, please send baby/child pics.”

This draws a very natural conclusion, dog pictures improve a bad day and baby/child pictures do not.

Childfree Bingo

The childfree and childless experience regular pronatalist comments, which can be exhausting. Some of my favorites include:

• you don’t know love until you have a child
• your life will be empty without a child
• children bring the greatest happiness you will ever experience

These relentless comments used to trigger me and steal my sensibilities. Now I am stoic and zen-like, the comments don’t affect me. I don’t need to explain my choices to anyone. Love comes in many different forms and the path to happiness looks different for all.

I vehemently push back at the childfree bingo comments. Yet, I find myself forming the same sentiments in relation to dogs. Of course, I am not foolish enough to tell other people how to live their lives. But, if you want my input, I will not hold back.

• if you are looking for love, a dog will provide more love than you will ever need.
• if you are seeking fulfillment and purpose in life, a dog will provide this. You may even start new interests together. Agility, flyball, and canicross are all such fun. Or, you could train your companion as a therapy dog.
• do you want to experience deep happiness? I guarantee a dog will help you achieve this. According to this article, interacting with dogs raises our oxytocin levels. Oxytocin gives us warm fuzzy feelings and improves our psychological wellbeing.

In this article, it is suggested, the happiness experienced by parents peaks when a baby is born. This happiness then dissipates, only increasing again when the final child leaves home. So, if it’s a toss-up between a dog or a baby — always choose the dog.

Gross Stuff

My dog was house-trained within a matter of months. Whilst I would love to gloat and say he is clever, this is pretty standard for dogs. I have it on good authority that many babies continue to have diaper explosions for years. I don’t do diapers. Diapers make my stomach turn and take me back to the world spinning hangovers, of my extreme party days.

I have to admit something. Now I know this is a very normal action to most, but I find it particularly perturbing. That thing when parents sniff their child’s diaper to check if they need to change it, ugh, it makes me grimace. I can talk unwaveringly about dog poop, yet references to baby poop make me squirm.

In my world, picking up after my dog is benign. I can deal with any stubborn, digested blade of grass, with swift ease (if your dog eats grass you will know). If my dog is sick and I come home to, let’s say, a decorated floor, I’m fine with it. I can handle this like a professional. If my dog rolls in unearthly substances, I can comfortably rectify the situation.

Like I said at the start, both dogs and babies can be gross. But I can handle a dog being gross.

Conclusion

I will likely be washing my hair, the night you want me to babysit. But if you need someone to “pupsit”, I can let my hair go greasy.

It goes without saying that dogs and children are not mutually exclusive. Good news — you can have both. They are great company for each other. After all, a house is not a home, without a dog.

Let me be clear, I admire all those who are parents to both children and dogs. Although I do cringe to think of that awkward moment when the child realizes they come second to the dog.

So yes, I am aware — I am a complete hypocrite. No matter how many food-splattered baby images, you post on social media, you can not persuade me to change my mind. But I will stalk the cute dog, who falls asleep, with his adorable little snout in a pie.

I am not saying dogs are better than babies and children. They are different and bring other qualities. Here’s a thought though — when did you last hear of a guide child or a service child, or a therapy child?

Incidentally, the esteemed Oprah Winfrey has no children and five dogs. I’m not such a maverick after all.