The Hunt for a Nurse with a Purse

Desperately seeking seniors for romance and more

Older women often decide not to remarry.

Stats show 75 percent of older gents are married, but only 58 percent of ladies are — and that number drops to 42 percent of gals over 75.

Anecdotal conversation with my 70+ ladies' basketball team indicates:

“Old men want a nurse with purse.”

“On the way to the hearse,” pipes up the point guard.

You can’t blame old guys for wanting to remarry. After all, they’ve been taken care of for decades so what’s not to like? Besides, goals are healthy at every age!

Don’t get your briefs in a bundle, fellas— I’m not saying all of you have been coddled and treated like kings. Yet, it’s surprising how many 65+ men are looking for a gal willing to care for them in the golden, sunset, semi-ambulatory years.

As age brings wisdom, in-the-know single geezers are prone to feel more romantic about an old lady with a hefty bank account.

Grumpy and cheerful old men alike are searching high and low for that perfect nurse/purse combo. Such diamonds are not easy to find, much like the “unicorn” hunted by younger men — a hot chick who is not cray-cray, as explained here:

Most old ladies I know aren’t stockpiling Fort Knox bullion in their split-level, suburban homes or tidy, two-bedroom apartments, so crone hunters need advanced strategies to separate genuine gems from artificial pearls.

It helps to be handsome, suave, and ambulatory, but in a pinch — avoiding high-water pants and sporting a good set of teeth will do.

This intrepid reporter has been on the lookout for where to find single, over-the-hill babes.

1/ The Racetrack

If you happen to live near a racetrack, which I recommend because you can always get a job even if it means serving drinks to capitalist scum, you can pay a fee — it’s $50 per person around here— to watch the ponies from an air-conditioned seat, usually with a jaunty name like “The Jockey Club.”

Most of the wrinkly females you’ll meet there are married, but a certain percentage are flying solo. You can recognize the solvent ones by their tendency to laugh off losses.

2/ The Fitness Center

You are missing a golden opportunity by not exploiting your Silver Sneakers package and spending every day at the gym, whether or not you seek romance.

You’ll meet them in exotic classes like Barre, spot them in the pool doing Arthritis Water Aerobics, and watch them lift 5-pound free weights.

If you want to take it to another level, get certified as a personal trainer. The worst thing that can happen is you’ll get into amazing shape.

3/ Book Clubs

For reasons science has yet to unravel, old ladies love to talk about books. Middle-aged mavens like Oprah have cashed in on this mysterious phenomenon, and so can you.

All that’s required is the ability to read and speak coherently. Come to think of it, smiling and nodding are superior to being articulate.

Bonus points if you like a wide selection of tea. Be sure to bring treats and a copy of the novel of the month.

4/ Crocheting Circles

My church group crochets plastic bags into sleeping mats for the homeless. The buzz lately is how a man wants to join!

He may be a nimble-fingered lover of do-goodery, but there’s just as good a chance he’s single and on the prowl.

5/ Cat Shelters

It is a truth universally acknowledged that women, especially single ones, love cats. They volunteer at cat shelters, take in strays, and have been known to leave all their money to their furry feline friends.

If you aren’t allergic, cruising the local cat shelter is a great way to find a woman of means. Signs she is secretly rich and compos mentis include her shoes (Birkenstocks), teeth (none missing), and vehicle (Prius).

6/ Estate Sales

Old people around here enjoy estate sales, and I am right there in the mix drooling over lightly used shoes (figuratively) and asking strangers:

“Do you think that’s authentic pyrex?”

It’s not easy to pick out the people who have money. Let’s face it, the majority of us are there for a bargain.

A few signs: she buys items on day one, not bothering to wait for prices to plummet to half-off; she is driving her own late-model pickup; she’s dripping diamonds or wearing an Apple watch.

If you love estate sales, it might not matter if she’s well-heeled because if you find love, you can pursue your hobby together, and the next best thing to a nurse with a purse is a chauffeur with a checkbook.

7/ Art Museums and Art Shows

Cultured people like art, or so I’m told. People with time on their hands also appreciate oils and acrylics splashed on canvas. It’s a no-brainer that some of these art lovers will be female, old, and single.

A small percentage will go to openings for free food and drinks. How do you tell the moochers from those with money?

Strike up a conversation about their favorite artist, then ask if they happen to own any pieces by, say, Rembrandt or Hockney.

The bonus for searching in art venues is you’ll accumulate more culture, and here in America, we need all the culture we can get.

Final Words

Last night I went to karaoke at the bar beneath the restaurant next to the golf course, when someone described the bar scene most weekend nights: ladies everywhere, over the hill, and drunk as skunks.

So the other place you can find eligible nurses with purses is golf adjacent. But then, you golfers already knew that.