The Human Cockroach

Much like the actual bug, this pest is hard to stamp out

The other day, I received an alert that someone commented on a Facebook post that I’d made months ago. The gist of my post: Trump supporters need to face the fact that the asshole lost, and move on. That was it. I didn’t expect to “draw a crowd,” nor did I think about it, after the fact.

It turns out there were actually two, new comments. One from an old friend and co-worker who I’ve since blocked as she displayed a level of ignorance that I simply cannot tolerate. Previously unbeknownst to me, she is a Trumpster and managed to malign President Biden in one, short sentence. So…she gone.

The other comment was from a complete stranger who thought that personally attacking me would be the way to go. She also shit on my “stories,” telling me she hoped they’d disappear. (Like me, I suppose.)

My post was “public,” and wasn’t published in any of the Medium Facebook groups, so this was just some random idiot who knew I was a writer and thought she’d push a few buttons. Like any “good Christian,” she used lots of “praying hand” emojis in her comment. It would be comical if it wasn’t so sad and disturbing.

This toxic creature was praying that I and my stories would disappear. Take that in for a moment.

Because I couldn’t help myself, I unsheathed my verbal sword, brandished it like Peter O’Toole in My Favorite Year, drove it home, and then swiftly blocked her dumb ass.

This latest display of online troll-ism got me thinking that these individuals have a great deal in common…with the common cockroach. Why? Because they’re everywhere, seemingly multiplying like the bug, itself, utterly disgusting and hard AF to get rid of.

Let’s take a closer look at the hard-shelled pest and its human equivalent. Thanks to Amdro.com and the good folks at Orkin, I was able to compile the following list:

Just like people, cockroaches come in different colors.

They can be brown, black, or even mixed. When it comes to the human cockroach, though, it has been my experience that the white ones are the biggest pains in the ass.

Cockroaches belong to the order known as Blattodea, of which termites are also a part.

The human cockroach, or Dumbass Homo Erectus, much like the aforementioned pests, has been known to crawl when cowed, which is frequently.

There are more than 5,000 cockroach species.

Thankfully, only a few tend to enter the home like the American Cockroach, the Oriental Cockroach, and the German Cockroach. However, the human cockroach that makes for the greatest threat to our way of life is the (white) American cockroach, which can be relentless in its contempt for immigrants and all those people of color who come to this country in pursuit of a better life for themselves and their families. This cockroach is perhaps the most dangerous of all human cockroaches and requires a level of pest control that thus far has been beyond our grasp.

Cockroaches are intolerant and disdainful of roaches that are not a part of their particular Klan.

Entomologists have found cockroaches tend to segregate themselves, and do not mix with other cockroaches from different species or genetic variations. The human cockroach, well-known for its lack of acceptance toward those who do not act or think, or vote the same, displays the same anti-social behavior and intolerant mindset.

Also, again just like the bug, when the human cockroach moves into one specific location, its “family” tends to stay put in that specific location, generation after generation. This territorial ethos is especially noticeable among the red states.

Like Pavlov’s dogs, cockroaches have a memory and can be taught to salivate as a response to neutral stimuli.

While its memory is not as sharp, the human cockroach will salivate at the prospect of spreading its poison in a social setting.

The Cockroach has been around, like…forever.

The modern cockroach first came to be about 200 million years ago. Primitive roaches appeared even earlier, about 350 million years ago, during the Carboniferous period. The human cockroach has been around a long time, as well. Way long. Too long.

Cockroaches lay a shit-ton of eggs.

They are breeders on steroids. The human cockroach, unfortunately, can also breed and, if gone unchecked, its spawn will share the same DNA and ignorant mindset as its parents. This has been shown to be true, time and again. The Trump family of human roaches is the perfect example of this phenomenon.

Cockroaches can live without their heads.

Now here is where the human cockroach may differ. With that said, we can’t be sure without further study. Something tells me that this could be possible, given that the human cockroach lacks a brain and is incapable of rational thought, making its head unnecessary.

Cockroaches can be harmful to our health.

As they like to dine on garbage, cockroaches can spread bacteria found in rotting food. You don’t have to be a Mensa member to understand that “bad” bacteria can make us sick. Again, like the creepy-crawler, the human cockroach can also make us sick. Mentally and emotionally sick if we allow them to infect our psyche. Due to their numbers, it has never been more vital to ensure that we “don’t allow them” into our heads and our lives. Block. Block. Block.

Tropical cockroaches are way bigger than their domestic “cousins.”

In turn, human cockroaches residing in southern climes where the temperatures are often blistering, have been known to be larger as well, due to a diet rich in deep-fried…everything.

Cockroaches will munch on us while we sleep.

You know that really big cockroach, the one we call the “water bug?” Hold onto your lunch because this is hurl-worthy: The water bug has been documented feeding on toenails, eyelashes, eyebrows, and the hair of sleeping individuals. The human cockroach, which prefers to operate under the cover of darkness, will also “feed” on us while we slumber, blissfully unaware that they’ve attempted to tear us a new one on social media.

Cockroaches are fond of beer.

This is most likely due to beer’s sugar content. In turn, the human cockroach can suck down a six-pack of Blatz faster than a “patriot” can shoot Bambi in the head with an AK-47.

Finally, cockroaches skedaddle when exposed to light.

Human cockroaches follow suit. The next time one attempts to infect your social space, stand your ground. Turn the high beams on it and watch as it scuttles away like the pussy it is.

It’s mind-blowing how much we have in common with other critters, even bugs, is it not? Even the most abhorrent. The human cockroach may be tough to eradicate but at the end of the day, they’re only human. Sub-human, perhaps, but they bleed like everyone else. Just give ’em a good boot.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

© Sherry McGuinn, 2021. All Rights Reserved.

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s soon-to-be-ex-manager is currently NOT pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

Thanks for reading, guys. If you enjoyed this, I’d love for you to check out the following, as well as my newsletter, Sherry Raw.