The Human Burden

It is not easy being a dog. Taking care of the human is a full-time job. I am dog-tired. That’s why I have to sleep so much.

Let me illustrate.

I am woken up at the crack of dawn every day, even though I am clearly still sleeping. The human has been trying to lose weight and has basically turned me into his fitness partner. I accompany him for two walks a day, each almost an hour long. He has some ridiculous target of walking 10,000 steps a day, which is fine for him but a little much for this dog. My legs are about 10" long.

After the walk, I follow him to the gym, where I have to be leashed while he enjoys an endorphin-filled workout with cute guys and girls. Some of them play with me, which is ok. However, I also have to pose for a lot of selfies, looking all cute or happy. They often forget to give me a treat despite my cooperation. I have mastered the brooding look as a result.

We head straight home after the human’s workout. I request to have my electrolytes refilled, but he always showers immediately and puts on clean clothes that I’m not allowed to mess up. He then disappears for an indeterminate amount of time.

I finally get down to work. First, I have to remake the bed. The human does not know this, but there is a particular spot where the sun shines for the next six hours. There, I unstack the pillows and build a protective fort. Inside, I ruffle the blankets to form a nest. Next, I deploy the troops strategically. Monkey stands guard at the edge of the bed; Bear watches my back; Rabbit is outside patrolling the perimeter. Finally safe, I work on recharging my batteries until the human returns to have the rest of his needs attended to.

Alas, I have rarely enjoyed the uninterrupted rest I deserve. The human makes random appearances throughout the day. He is often a little sullen during these appearances. He would dismantle my fort with brute force before manhandling me for a few minutes. Sometimes, he would take me out to the foyer to play some sort of game. He throws a ball, and expects me to go fetch it. He gets excited if I catch it in the air. I get a treat for every successful retrieval, although sometimes he withholds it for a few more throws. He says it’s something to do with delayed gratification.

I have developed a theory about his random appearances. Given his sour mood, it seems logical to surmise that something had upset him at the place where he spends his days. He came back expecting me to fix him by lowering his cortisol levels and increasing his serotonin and oxytocin levels. It would appear that I’m born to be a doctor, as I have a 100% success rate.

The human returns as the sun is about to set. It’s time for me to put on my other hat of fitness trainer and go with him on his second daily walk. The human has little imagination, preferring to walk the exact same route every day. I had to put my paw down on a number of occasions, leading him down new alleys and streets so that he can discover interesting new restaurants, including some dog-friendly cafes. He is however incredibly obtuse and refuses to take the hint.

For my hard work, I am finally rewarded with a bowl of food when we get home. It’s not much, but it’s ok. I want to always be the fitter of the two of us.

My day, unfortunately, has not ended. In fact, the nights are often the toughest. The human seems particularly needy in the evenings, and demands repeated and prolonged hugs and cuddles. He gets even more unintelligible than ever. It even gets a little rough sometimes. He either wrestles me, or rubs his face all over me, matting up my chest fur in the process.

The human eventually falls asleep on my bed. I am forced to make myself comfortable in whatever space remains. I try to stay out of his reach, in the hope that I might have a night of uninterrupted sleep. But he is not easily deterred. He wakes up once or twice in the night, and would stroke me till he dozes off. He doesn’t realize that I can’t fall back asleep until he does first.

And it all repeats again in six hours.

Here’s a haiku to end this post:

Outside, in the dark

Thunder, lightning, rain and wind

Inside, a warm bed