The HOW of Living

A guiding compass

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” Ursula K. Le Guin

Wise teachers from all cultures speak about learning to live in the present. One of the ways to live more in the present is to pay as much attention to how you want to live as you do what you want to achieve. I began speaking about this in my article Living the Dash, here I wish to explore one important idea on how to do just that.

One of the most significant ways we can live the journey is to focus on our values. As religious scholar Karen Armstrong has pointed out, wisdom traditions from western philosophy and theology to eastern traditions all speak of the importance of virtues or right conduct in creating a happy life. Virtues are also considered essential in creating happy lives in the science of positive psychology. Attending to our values, then helps us pay attention to the journey of life.

Although there are many ways to categorize our values, I often divide them into two types that I refer to as the “what” values and the “how” values. “What” values involve things we would like to see in the world or to accomplish. For example, we may value hard work or family or peace. “How” values on the other hand are the principle we hold for how we wish to treat ourselves and others.

“How” values are the principle we hold for how we wish to treat ourselves and others.

Identify your HOW Values

Can you identify your “how” values? I have asked this question to thousands of people in different contexts (including prisons) and different countries. I typically get a standard and, dare I say universal, set of principles that all people tend to believe (except perhaps those high in psychopathy). I will bet that your list looks something like this:

· Respect · Compassion · Equality

· Fairness · Patience · Tolerance

· Loyalty · Honesty · Kindness

This is not an exhaustive list but it represents some of the most common set of values that I hear.

I will then ask my clients or my audience two questions. First, how do you feel about yourself when you violate these values? When you act disrespectfully, dishonestly, unfairly and so on. Sure, some people say they feel some satisfaction initially, especially if they believe the other person deserved their derision, but more generally and over time they report that they mostly feel badly about themselves.

Then I ask how people feel when they live up to their values. To this question the answer is universally that people feel good about themselves.

What does it mean that you feel good about yourself when you live your values and badly when you violate them?

I suggest that this means we all have our own internal compass that guides us towards experiencing a good life. You don’t need a psychologist, a priest or a judge to tell you your values or that it is important to live up to them. Your own experience in life tells you that these values work because you feel better about your life when you live them and worse about your life when you violate them. Like a compass, our values can guide us when we feel lost, confused, or angry by telling us which choices will lead to actions that support our life. They can also be used to help keep us on track.

We don’t have to worry about being perfect though. A metaphor I learned from one of Steven Covey really makes this point well. Did you know that pilots have very exact flight plans for their journey? Did you know that they also tend to be off their flight path 90% of the time? This happens because of external factors such as weather changes, flocks of birds or other planes entering their flight path or internal factors such as pilot distraction. Nevertheless, they still get to their destinations relatively close to when they are supposed to. They do this by using their instruments and continually correcting their path.

We too can get off course due to internal and external factors. The real problems in flight travel and life don’t come from getting off course; they come from staying off course. So, use your compass and check to see if you are on course to a good life.

Why do we violate our values?

This, however, raises a question. If values are so important why do so many people violate them? Let’s dig deeper to find the answer and a new understanding that will help us stick with our values.

If we simplify life, then we have two choices in how we behave. We can choose to react to what others are doing (e.g., an eye for an eye) or we can respond according to our values — period, full stop, no exceptions.

So, why do people tend to react instead of respond? The most common factor I have identified in my discussion with thousands of people is that most are afraid of being taken advantage of by others. They don’t want to be doormats or victims of others’ disregard. I often hear people say if someone treats me disrespectfully and I don’t react then I am letting them take advantage of me. Let’s explore this more deeply to see if it is true.

Let us take a hypothetical example of a day in the life of Joe Reactor. Joe reacts to other people and circumstances by giving at least as good as he gets. Joe gets up in the morning and it’s raining even though the forecast called for sun and he happens to be working outdoors today. How do you think he reacts to that news? He then goes down to his kitchen to get his morning coffee and finds that his wife left the coffee machine unplugged so no fresh coffee is made. How does he react now? Then, she comes in the front door with a coffee and muffin from his favorite café. How is he doing now? Then as he leaves for work he gets cut off. What happens now? When he gets to work one of his colleagues shares some good news about a bonus they are all likely to get if they meet their quota. What is going on with Joe now? Then he finds out that this co-worker missed something that means more work for Joe. So, where is Joe at now? What do you notice about Joe’s mood, behaviour, and life as you imagine these scenarios? Is Joe protecting himself from being a doormat?

When Joe reacts to his life, his mood becomes unpredictable. His mood depends more on factors external to him rather than how he chooses to feel. In fact, to protect himself from being a victim he has chosen to be a victim. He becomes a victim because he allows people and factors external to him to decide his mood and behaviour.

Now, this is easy in the short term because it doesn’t take much cognitive effort to react. Someone swears you swear back; someone pushes you push back. Not much thought is required. Additionally, you don’t have to take any responsibility. The common excuse is, “I only did this because you did that.” For example, I only yelled because you didn’t plug in the coffee machine. In the long run, however, you have given up control of your life and you let other people’s choices and behaviours (or your perceptions of their behaviours) decide how your life is going to go.

What about choosing to live your values? First, if you read the definition of “how” values carefully you would have noticed that it involves not only how you treat others but also how you treat yourself. Therefore, allowing yourself to be continuously victimized is not consistent with living your values.

You may also have noticed that I referred to this approach as responding instead of reacting. You see, the opposite of reacting is not being passive and doing nothing. The opposite of reacting is responding skillfully to the situation in front of you using your values.

The opposite of reacting is responding skillfully to the situation in front of you using your values.

This is harder in the short-term. If someone is being disrespectful it takes more energy and skill to figure out how to respond in a way that remains respectful to both of you while being clear that the disrespectful behaviour is not acceptable. In the long term however, by investing in your values, you build confidence and healthier relationships. You begin to epitomize the concept of Strong-Back Open-Heart where you demonstrate strength in respecting your place in the world and openness in respecting other people’s needs. In doing so you are less likely to be seen as a target or a challenge to others and more likely to be seen as someone who walks the journey of his or her life with confidence and skill. This invites support and help from others.

It matters then, how you live the moments of your life. How you choose to treat others and yourself. To live well choose to live the moments of your life with integrity.

Thank you for reading. Feel free to comment.