The Hottest Sex Is When I Lead
When a man agrees to play a more passive role, a woman can concentrate on her needs.
Men so often lead during sex — at least in my case they do. Whether it’s because of my job as an escort, or because of my desire to always please my lovers first, I too often let men dictate the when and how of every sexual experience.
Maybe I’ve just always thought sex should be this way. I know men definitely feel an expectation to be more sexually dominant.
Men have been conditioned by society to take control. If they don’t, they’re seen as less of a man.
There’s social pressure on a man to perform. When he can’t, women sometimes get angry.
So I’m not putting down men for so often taking on a more dominant role in the bedroom. On the contrary, a lot of women even want it this way.
Women are allowed to just lay back while the man does all the work. I’ve been guilty of this, too.
But lately I’ve been asking my male lovers to take on a more passive role.
The more I lead during sex, the better the sex is.
I’m talking about longer, more intense orgasms and more satisfying sex for both of us.
It’s not about domination.
When I say I like to lead sexually, I’m not talking about dominating my lover. That’s something else altogether, a completely different dynamic with different rules.
I’m talking about taking more initiative in the bedroom. I’m talking about being the one who tells a man how I want sex.
I’m not proposing a man allow himself to be used in any way. I would never ask a man to engage in sexual activities he’s not comfortable with.
It’s just I’ve found that in leading sex more, my needs are better met.
Men also get off when women are satisfied.
To be honest, I’ve found many men are wired to experience pleasure only when their female partners do.
But because they’ve been conditioned to lead sexually, this sometimes gets in the way of that.
So when I take charge, sexually speaking, this is a win-win for both of us.
I get off more, and therefore so does my lover.
Kissing.
Let’s start with kissing. So often the man is the one who initiates every kiss.
He’s the one who holds a woman, pulls her body close to his, moves his face toward hers, and then plants his lips on her lips.
He decides if a kiss is a closed-mouthed or open-mouthed one. If the mouth is open during the kiss, he dictates how his tongue will move around inside her mouth.
A woman is always just responding to a man.
How I’ve been changing this.
I’ve been changing the way I kiss by being the one who initiates.
When I’m in bed with a man, I’m the one who lifts my head, holding my face over his.
I kiss him. I decide if the kiss is soft or more intense.
I also determine how our tongues entwine. If I want our tongues to go around in circles, I lead. If I prefer to suck on my lover’s tongue, I do that.
Fingering.
When it comes to a man’s fingers on my vagina, I also want to be the one who leads the experience.
So often men simply jam their fingers inside of me.
Without proper lubrication from being turned-on enough, fingers inside my vagina don’t feel good.
If a woman’s not turned on enough, a man’s fingers can hurt.
So with the new way I’m leading sex, I’m the one who decides when and if a man is allowed to touch my vagina.
I’m the one who brings his fingers to rest on the outside of my labia. I don’t even want him to rub my clitoris until I say so.
Instead I want him to explore the entire “outside” region of my vagina. I want him to softly stroke my labia. Tease and titillate me first. Only when I’m ready, I move his fingers to my clitoris.
Then I direct him how to rub my clit. Again he should start by teasing it. Men sometimes press too hard on my clit and that doesn’t feel good.
Instead I want my clitoris to be stimulated ever so softly. I want my arousal to build slowly. Only when I’m ready do I begin to maneuver a man’s fingers so they’re pressing down more firmly on my clitoris.
Whether I want a man to stroke me in circles or to press up and down on my clit in a soft tapping manner, I’m the one who directs his fingers.
Again, only when I’m ready — and very wet — do I guide his fingers inside me.
I decide how many fingers I want inside. I always start with just one. If I want more, I’ll insert more.
And I insert the fingers the way that makes me feel good.
Do I want the finger to move in and out of me slowly or very fast? Or do I simply want the finger to remain still, not moving at all?
Maybe I just want a finger half-way inside. Later I’ll push it in deeper.
Sometimes I want a man’s finger so deep inside me that I feel the pressure of the rest of his hand against the outside of my vagina.
That feels amazing, but only when I control it.
Oral sex.
Oral sex should function the same way.
When it comes to licking me, I want to tell a man when and how to orally pleasure me.
Do I want to be lying on my back with my lover’s face between my legs? Or do I want to sit on his face from above?
And then, do I want him to only concentrate on my clitoris or to lick my labia too, sucking my two lips into his mouth? And should he lick the inside of my vagina? I’ll decide if and how much.
I’ll also decide how much pressure from his tongue I want on my clit.
When he’s licking my clitoris, do I want him to make circles with the tip of his tongue, or just lap at my clit?
And my lover will keep his mouth on my clit for as long as I want — within reason. Of course if he gets tired, I’m completely open to him taking a break.
Penetrative sex.
This is a really important part of leading a sexual encounter with a man — perhaps the most important part. A woman shouldn’t only be the one to decide if a man is allowed to penetrate her — she should decide how he penetrates her.
I say this because I’ve had experiences where, yes, a man has gotten my consent to penetrate me, but he still goes about the sex in a way that feels best for him.
So often men get to choose the sex position and decide when the position should change. He also gets to dictate how fast or slow he wants to thrust, and then when he comes.
And when he comes, game’s over. He’s done regardless if I’m satisfied.
I want to be the one who tells a man when and how he can penetrate me.
Best positions for female-controlled penetration.
The best positions I’ve found for a woman to control penetration are:
- girl on top.
- girl on her back, her butt against a man’s pelvis, him penetrating her from behind.
Both of these positions provide a woman with the most control during sex.
Girl on top.
When I’m on top of my lover, I’m the one who decides when his penis inserts inside of me.
Typically I like a man to insert himself slowly. Little by little, I push him in deeper.
I get to decide how deep he goes and how fast he thrusts.
This position is also great in that it allows me to play with my clitoris while the sex is happening, which is absolutely necessary if I’m going to come.
Man from behind.
The same goes when I’m lying down and a man’s behind me — I get to decide when to push him inside me.
I get to control how deep and fast his thrusts are. I play with my clit while he fucks me, and I come intensely as a result.
When I take a leadership role during sex, my needs are better met. I’m therefore extremely grateful to the men who have allowed me to tailor our intimate experiences to satisfy my wants.
When my lover does this for me without asking for anything in exchange, I feel less guilty about not putting his needs first. So often I place a man’s needs before my own, and that’s not good.
Leading during sex isn’t about using my lover as a toy. It’s about taking more initiative so the sex feels better for me.
Lucky for me, I have some amazing lovers who have allowed me to explore this side of myself.