The Holy Bible: King Shackleford Edition

The Uncensored Edition: Fucks Are Frequent

Ah, The Holy Bible.

One of my favorite fairy tales of all time.

Gather round’ my children because I have the most recent edition of the bible to date, written by yours truly. The first few versions were censored, they removed all the fun parts. Worst of all, they removed all the fucks, shits, blowjobs, and assholes. I now give this back to you. The Bible in its uncensored glory. I even added the book of Rusty since the original versions omitted that from existence.

Today we are gonna cover the book of Genesis. Please join me in my sermon. May I rot in hell for all eternity.

The Garden Of Fog

In the beginning, Rusty had a fantastic idea. He would create his own version of the world in his head. At first, there was a blank screen staring back at him with nothing but an idea. So he said, “Fuck this, I’m gonna write something cool.”

And Rusty said, “Let there be words.” And there were words. Rusty saw this and he knew those words were good. So he divided the words into paragraphs which formed the structure of his story. Rusty then called the article “The Holy Bible: King Shackleford Edition” which would come to be known as a timeless classic.

Rusty looked down upon his article and said, “This is gonna be fuckin’ awesome”. He sat down and lit up a big joint. Then he took a few edibles and continued to write. He knew this would be good.

With the foundation created Rusty knew that he now needed characters to move the plot forward. He created characters in his image and gave them names. He named them Adolf and Breeze. He then created a place for Adolf and Breeze to hang out. It was a massive weed garden filled with the stickiest buds you could possibly ask for. He called this “The Garden Of Fog”.

Rusty took these characters and placed them in the garden. He told them to grow and cultivate the buds and to smoke from them and enjoy all it had to offer. Rusty then told them, “Just don’t smoke from that plant over there, I think it molded and you will probably get sick and die”. Rusty then left them for a bit to let them smoke and fuck as Rusty intended.

That’s when this weird snake thing shows up. This cunning little bastard goes right over to Breeze and says “Hey what’s up with that weed plant over there? It likes Dope AF, I bet we could get really fucked up on that shit”.

“Yeah, but Rusty said not to smoke from that. He thinks it might have mold or something.” Breeze said.

“Oh, I’m sure he’s just trying to save the dankest buds for himself. You should go over and get some and smoke it with me and your friend Adolf over there. I bet we get so high we start trippin’ balls.” said The Snake.

Breeze wasn’t sure if she was imagining shit from the weird mushrooms she took with Adolf earlier or if this Snake was telling the truth. “Fuck it, let’s go!” she said.

She walked over to the towering Marijuana plant and grabbed the biggest stickiest bud she could find. She ground that shit up and packed it into a bowl made out of an apple and lighted it up with the lighter Rusty left her.

It was a high she had never experienced before. She passed that shit around and let the Snake and Adolf get a hit of that shit. Once that high hit all of them they looked at each other and said “Wait…. we are fuckin’ naked!”

That’s about the time Rusty showed back up. “Yo!” he shouted “Where the fuck are y’all?” Adolf and Breeze were trippin’ balls in a bush when they heard Rusty calling for them. Rusty realized what they had done.

“You dumb fucks, do you realize that you are on some crazy acid trip shit? There is no fuckin’ snake in this story. This is your own damn fault. I told you not to smoke that shit! For your punishment, I’m gonna make having kids hurt like a son of a bitch. I’m also taking all this weed away so I can smoke it myself. That will teach you not to be so irresponsible. Now go find somewhere else to hang out so I can smoke all this myself and watch you guys do some more crazy shit.” Rusty said.

Cain And Able

Adolf and Breeze went off to find a nice quiet place to fuck.

They fucked without protection and nine months later popped out a few kids. They named the one boy Able because he was able to get the fuck out of his mom. They named the other boy Cain because he came out of his mom too. They didn’t have proper education back then so they misspelled came and it ended up Cain.

Adolf had to farm because of that stupid shit they pulled in the garden of fog. He decided to have Cain till up the land and have Able watch the sheep for him. Cain and Able had heard stories from their parents about this dope-ass weed garden and they thought if they brought Rusty some gifts he might share some of his sticky trees.

Able brought Rusty a lamb and laid it at his feet. Rusty said, “Cool, this will make some killer lamb chops later.”

Cain brought Rusty a rock and laid it at his feet. Rusty said, “The fuck am I supposed to do with a rock? Do I look like Charlie fuckin’ Brown to you? Here Able, for your troubles, here’s an 8th of some good shit. Cain, you can piss off until you bring me something of actual value.”

On the way back from Rusty’s, Cain and Able got into an argument.

“This is bullshit, it’s not my fault Dad made me till the earth while you got to take care of the sheep. What the hell was I supposed to give him?” said Cain.

“Well, you could have given him some fruit or vegetables or something. Anything is better than a rock,” said Able.

“Well, I know one thing this rock is good for…” said Cain with a smile.

“Oh yeah? What’s that?”

That’s when Cain smacked Able over the head with the rock and started bashing his skull in. He took the 8th from Able and stuck it up his gooch so no one would know what he did. He rinsed off the blood in a nearby river and walked back home. That’s when he heard the booming of Rusty’s voice.

“Yo, what the fuck did you do with that cool brother of yours? These were some damn good lamb chops. Hey! Did you kill him with that stupid fuckin’ rock? WHY THE FUCK DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP FUCKIN’ THIS SHIT UP!?

Now I gotta punish you guys some more. Do you think I like doing this? I’m running out of creative shit to punish you with. Now everything you grow is gonna be shit. Also, you can’t go home. I forbid you. Instead, you get to just walk around and just starve to death or something.”

“Hey! That’s not fair Rusty! This punishment is too harsh! I’ll just find someone to kill me so I don’t have to deal with it.” said Cain.

“Nope, I’m gonna watch you suffer you little shit. How dare you fuck with my lamb chops. Anyone that kills you will get a worse punishment than you got. So everyone knows that I’m gonna mark you with this pot leaf symbol.” said Rusty.

That’s when Cain knew he was fucked. He went out and found some random place called Nod and set up camp there and fucked a bunch of bitches. I’m not sure how because I only made two characters so there had to be some kind of incest or something but regardless he went and had a bunch of kids.

The Story Of The Ark

So Cain went off and had a bunch of kids which takes up a lot of space. I’m just gonna skip to the cool part.

One of the descendants of Cain was a guy named Noah. Noah had three sons and a wife. Rusty saw all these fuckers fuckin’ up the earth and shit so he decided he was just gonna wipe the slate clean and start over with a flood.

Noah was a good egg, a lot like Gareth Willey. So Rusty decided to save Noah and his kids. After all, writing new characters in a fictional story is hard so it would be nice to have someone to repopulate the earth after Rusty kills everyone.

Rusty called upon Noah, “Hey fucker, I’m gonna flood this bitch. You got like a week because I’m not a patient guy. I need you to build a big ass boat and save all the creatures you can. Get two of each so they can repopulate and bring your kids and wife too.”

“Wait, a week to do all of this? You can’t be serious,” said Noah.

“Oh, I’m very cereal. After all, I wrote this story in a few hours, I think a week is more than enough time to save yourselves. Just build the boat or die. Your choice.” said Rusty.

So Noah went back and told his family of what was to come so they got busy choppin’ down trees and building a boat with no experience. On the seventh day, just like Rusty said, it started to rain.

It rained for forty days and forty nights until the entire world filled with incest babies was dead. That’s when Noah was like “Hey when the fuck are we supposed to know when we can go back to living on land? It’s not like I can just fly around and figure it out.”

That’s when he realized he had like a hundred different varieties of birds on his boat so he picked a few that was closest to him. They just happened to be a dove and a raven.

“Go out and see if we can land this boat anywhere yet,” Noah said to the birds who didn’t understand a word he was saying.

The birds flew out and were gone a few hours and came back, wet and tired. So Noah just kept doing this every week until eventually, the dove came back with a pot leaf in its beak.

“Fuck yeah! We can go aground! Hear that everyone!? We are getting off this stinky ass boat!” said Noah. The boat had gotten smelly as fuck from all the animals pissing and shitting with nowhere else to go and no way for them to clean the stalls. It’s a wonder they even survived that shit at all from the ammonia smell.

So the Ark landed on some mountains and the waters receded and Rusty let a rainbow fly because it was national gay pride day. Then Rusty said, “I’m never gonna flood the earth again. It took way too much time, and because I promised you this I’m gonna ask that you guys start cutting off the foreskin of all the male kids you have as a symbol of our agreement”.

“Huh, kinda a weird request Rusty but I mean you’re the boss,” said Noah.

“Don’t fuckin’ question me Noah or I’ll start up a new plague… wait that’s a different part of the story,” said Rusty.

After Noah let all the animals out and they all took a long bath more stories that aren’t as important happened. That’s the book of Genesis.

Rusty Shuts The Book

Now weren’t those some great stories kids? Such wholesome tales to tell your children.

What’s that? Do you want some more?

Well, go to bed now and next time I’ll read some more out of another book in the bible. Let me know in the comments what book you want me to cover next. Until then, have a good night’s sleep!

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