Summary

The author reflects on their struggle with anger management and the importance of being present in the moment to respond appropriately to situations.

Abstract

The article titled "The Holding Pattern" delves into the author's personal experience with intense anger, acknowledging that their reactions were often disproportionate to the immediate situation. The author describes an incident where they overreacted to a garage overcharging for car repairs, realizing later that their anger was misplaced and stemmed from larger global issues they felt helpless about. The piece emphasizes the concept of "being in the moment" as a means to regulate one's emotions and respond to circumstances with composure and politeness. The author suggests that adopting a holding pattern, akin to a child's coping mechanisms, can help individuals deal with overwhelming emotions before reacting. By employing qualities such as love, strength, creativity, relaxation, and forgiveness, one can navigate through life's challenges with a more balanced and thoughtful approach.

Opinions

The author believes that their anger was not about the specific incident but rather a manifestation of frustration with broader societal issues.
They admit to being out of control and acknowledge the need for a better way to handle emotions.
The author suggests that a holding pattern can be a useful strategy to prevent lashing out and to deal with distressing feelings constructively.
There is an underlying sentiment that early childhood experiences and the love and care received then play a significant role in one's ability to regulate emotions as an adult.
The author emphasizes the importance of being present and employing one's best skills to respond to situations mindfully, rather than reacting based on past hurts or external stressors.

The Holding Pattern

Sometimes I need to keep circling until I’m calm and ready to land softly

I often read about ‘being in the moment’ and often wondered what does that mean?

I’ve been angry for months; I mean a fit of deep primal anger when everything has become a struggle. I have positive moments and feelings but am then deluged with a wave of new outrage that I cannot shake off.

Whenever I left my wallet somewhere and forgot my car keys, I never thought it a big deal. But, today, whenever I leave the house, I struggle with every human encounter.

The garage overcharged $120 for work performed on my car. I went ballistic! Honestly, I was out of control, rude, aggressive, and looking for confrontation.

The manager, on the phone, put down the phone on me after accepting that a mistake had been made and offered an immediate refund. Unfortunately, that response was not good enough. I kept up my angry rant against the company, never having dealt with them previously.

I wasn’t in the moment.

The anger was not about the $120. It was about everything else in the world that I had no control over and filled with ugliness.

Being in the moment would have been helpful. But, instead, I was in a different pattern, where events had piled up on me, war, children murdered, guilty men hiding behind lies, and not being held accountable.

The garage manager was someone I could hold accountable. Unfortunately, the pattern I was in was one of attack. At that moment, I was overtaken by everything but the present. My response to the garage manager was a fixed reaction against things he had no knowledge I was feeling.

Later, when I took time to get out of that attack pattern, I went into a holding pattern. I could sense how difficult I had been over an inconsequential matter. I would give every dollar I have to resurrect the children killed in their classroom without a second thought.

Being in the moment would have seen me react differently to my dissatisfaction with the garage. I would have tailored my reaction to just that, the error in the figures, and been polite in asking the manager to refund the amount. However, at that moment, there was nothing to consider other than this small matter of an overcharge, readily agreed by the manager and immediately accepted.

I had blocked this error from my mind and was feeling the country’s anger, my anger with the leaders, and let it add to the complaint. I embarrassed myself.

I’m in a holding pattern as I write. I’m thinking about what I want to say and not what I want to do outside this.

I want to say that I suspect many of us are looking for a survival pattern, a pattern that blocks thoughts of anger. The more I think about this pattern, the more I think about childhood, being distressed as a child, overwhelmed with homework, afraid of the school bully, and the natural, unthought strategies I would use to buffer and protect myself.

There has always been underlying anger in my body, in my heart, and buried in my soul. I suspect it has to do with my beginnings. Why would a mother give up a child? Why would a man slay children to unrecognizability?

As children, we never learn how to regulate our responses, not clothed in our ability to armor ourselves against attack, shame, or guilt. Instead, all we have is our parents’ love, strength, and understanding. Being rocked, cuddled, soothed with lullabies.

I can describe my childhood this way, like being a tuning fork, feeling things through my body. Love, joy, fear, or hatred, such things flow from body to body. A child held can feel those vibrations.

Being in the moment, I have learned, requires employing one’s best skills, such as those demonstrated to us when children: love, strength, creativity, relaxation, and forgiveness.

I’m not a therapist, life coach, or anyone with the skills to teach someone else. But through my experience, both in childhood and yesterday, I ask you, when feeling overwhelmed with anger, be in the moment, and go into a holding pattern before you land on someone who does not understand what you are dealing with. Relax, think about the layers of hurt you feel and where that blame is in context with the now.

Being in the moment allows me to regulate myself, be the person I want to be, and not the person I am in anger.