The Hitchhiker’s Guide To Being A Human
A handbook of life’s crib notes.
Life’s as beautiful or as complicated as you make it. Life can also increase in magnificence or spin into chaos, depending on how you choose your adventures, both inwardly and externally.
On first finding, the realms of personal development and life philosophy can present as a welcome salve for the weary self. Sans discernment and pointed action, they can morph into a black hole of theoretical knowledge, misguided reinforcement that you’re broken, and the endless pursuit of the next book, course, teacher. Unnecessary.
Donning the hat of first principles thinking, which Aristotle defined as “the first basis from which a thing is known”, the primary practical tools of being a thinking-feeling human on earth are quickly unveiled.
There is wisdom enough on this planet that you could spend every moment of your life drinking it in and accidentally miss your life entirely. Or, you can realize that when reduced to its essence, wisdom in all its colorful forms from ancient practices to contemporary psychology, holds common golden threads:
1. Don’t believe everything you think
Mindset and persistence are 90% of the game of life. Everything else, you can Google.
We’re not taught to question our thoughts but we can teach ourselves. Just because you have thoughts all of the time doesn’t mean you should believe them or define your life by them.
In part, you already know this. Consider when you’re weighing up two job options and contemplating the pros and cons. Do you act on the first thought you have? No. Rather, you have many thoughts and compare them with discernment in order to make the best decision.
Albeit unintentionally, in this situation, you are poking at your thoughts. Sure, it’s not quite the same as intentionally questioning any painful thought when it arises but now you can see that you’re capable.
The work of the master (and by master I mean anyone who chooses to consciously move towards inner liberation and away from suffering) is to question any thought that is causing you pain in any way until you disbelieve it.
Dipping into the work of Byron Katie, the questions to begin with are: Is it true? Can I know that this thought is absolutely true? What reframe do I need in order to find a new thought regarding the situation, one that feels like freedom?
Do the work of Byron Katie’s free-to-all method for dissolving painful thoughts and you’ll be armed with the mental agility and spaciousness of a monk for the rest of your life.
Truly, it’s our thoughts that create our emotional state and eventually, our behaviors and actions in life. Change your thoughts, change your life.
2. Go beyond right-wrong, good-bad
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” Rumi gets it.
When we get stuck in absolutes, we get miserable. Usually in the form of depression or anxiety. When we question beliefs formed through social conditioning, we create breathing room for our individual nature to exist in peace.
When dealing with ourselves and others, our perspectives need to be bigger than our egos. But only if we want a life of happiness, connection, and prosperity. That’s because our egos are limited and those limits are the fences of what you define as right and wrong, good and bad. We limit ourselves and we limit those around us. Limitations throttle connection and abundance of any kind.
Life is a long gradient of individual experiences, realities, and childhood wounds clashing like a meeting of wild seas. When we hold our beliefs and presumptions lightly, we allow life and the people we encounter to positively influence us.
If you think about life now the same way you did even two years ago, you’re stuck, and if you don’t loosen your grip on what you believe to be true, right, and ‘the way things are’, you’re only going to suffer more.
When we choose to be malleable enough to rise above small concepts of what should and shouldn’t be we have the opportunity to find a buoyant peace because we’re releasing the weight of rigidity and dogma.
Question everything. Most especially, question yourself. Start with asking:
1. Am I the type of person who… [won’t speak up at work because my granny once said I must always be a nice girl?]
2. Does this thought, action, belief feel like true freedom? [No? See point #1 and do The Work.]
3. What am I making this response/event/situation mean? [Something negative? See point #1 and do The Work.]
3. Remember we’re all going to die
An instant reframe when you’re in conflict, feeling intimidated about showing up and taking action, or when you’re taking a failure or setback way too seriously, is to call on the delights of death.
The reason the regular contemplation of death is a key part of Buddhist practice is because it quickly reminds one of the impermanence of all things. This reframe makes connection more important and the uncontrollable vicissitudes of daily life lose their power to shake you.
Do you really want to ruin Sunday afternoon by berating your partner for being five minutes late? Or can you see the greater picture, remember that this person you love is going to die and let the small thing go to make room for deep connection, while you still have that available to you?
Another way to use this contemplation in everyday life is like a guillotine through your to-do list. If ever you’re struggling to prioritize, just remind yourself of the certain death of you and yours and you’ll quickly see what’s important. You’ll find items like ‘call mom’ rapidly move their way to the top of your list.
Happily, scary things and scary people hold a lot less weight when you’re like, “Oh, this is all just temporary and that human over there is also just a human, doing their best, until their expiry date.”
Befriend death. You’ll be more courageous and present in your own life for doing so. Start small by taking even two minutes at the beginning of each day, to sit up in bed, and consider your own undeniable demise.
After a while, it becomes a background awareness and one day, in the middle of an argument with your partner, you’ll suddenly think ‘this person won’t always be here’ and in an instant, your ego and anger will shift.
4. Question your assumptions
Assumptions ruin everything. If you must assume, do so positively and be generous. Any other kind of speculation creates a mess in your head and head messes almost always lead to real-life turmoil.
“Well, I just assumed you’d forgotten so I left without you.” Assumptions cause a lot of hurt. Always to ourselves and then often to those around us, as a stabbing finishing touch. Assumptions never happen in the present moment. They can only ever occur when you abandon your real life for the virtual reality in your mind. It’s dangerous, don’t go there alone.
We cannot know what is going on inside another person and the version of any person in our virtual reality is bound to be misinformed and clouded by our personal projections and filters.
What we can always know for certain is that everyone has their struggles, difficult emotions, and past conditioning to navigate.
Rather than assume in isolation, we can choose to show up for the team by over-communicating and learning how to listen deeply. I say over-communicate because for most of us it takes feeling like we’re overdoing it just to hit the mark.
One way to do this is by being transparent with others about your virtual reality: “The story I am telling myself in my head about you arriving late again is that you think your time is more important than mine and you take me for granted.”
Then, allow deep listening to take over by breathing deeply and giving all your attention to the person’s response without conjuring your comeback as they speak.
This way, we never need to assume anything. Wherever possible ask clearly and hear earnestly from the source. If you don’t hear anything, assume positive intent. It’s better for your heart rate.
5. If something’s not working, try something else
Write this everywhere. If you remember one thing, let it be this relief-inducing, deep exhale of wisdom.
Ultimately, it’s a solid solution for lots and it’s a solution that keeps on giving. With this approach to life, you’ll never feel stuck for long and you’ll foster agility.
Hold things lightly. Sisyphean tasks should be allegorical, not a way of life. Be honest and brave enough to surrender what’s not working and experiment until something does. It worked for the Wright brothers and we’re still benefiting today. You’re no different.
Life is not linear. Neither is success. It’s okay to stop doing something that doesn’t work for you, even if everyone else says it’s the only way. Even if it’s scary to put it down. No one’s going to give you permission, you do that. You’ll probably experience push-back too. That’s normal. Just keep putting down the heavy thing and try something different.
Now, this doesn’t mean that the ‘something else’ will be easy or easier but there is a difference between hard and heavy. The trick is understanding that even hard things can feel like freedom when they’re the right hard things for you. And, usually, when they’re the right hard things for your individual makeup, they also tend to work out.
A parting shot
There you have it, five threads that, when woven together through conscious and active implementation, hold the potential to produce a rich tapestry of life experience and offer a winding path to true liberation.
“Enlightenment always tastes of freedom.” — Buddha
When you discard thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, and actions that weigh you down, you’re lightening your load. You’re enlightening yourself to ways of living that allow you to engage with happening-right-now, real life.
The caveat to all of this, and there is one, is that for any of the above to work, one must hold it all lightly within the bright container of humor. Not taking your ridiculous existence too seriously is imperative for self-evolution.
I’ve never met a mystic whose eyes didn’t sparkle with recognition of the great cosmic joke. Maybe that’s because I’ve never met a mystic or maybe it’s because I haven’t yet got the joke.
Travel well, and remember, you’re dying. Think less, do what works for you, and call your mom.