The History and Stupidity of War. Through Humor

Will we ever change?

This is a look at the stupidity of war. Remember, it’s never the soldier. It’s always the leaders. It’s why we have war.

The History of War … ala Alice’s Restaurant style by Arlo Guthrie.

War? What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! — — Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong

Kid, I want to tell you a story. I want to tell you a story about a group of people. You see, kid, they called themselves the human race. Now, these people lived a long, long time ago on a place called planet Earth. Now, this was a neat and groovy place. It was far, far, away in the universe.

These people had all sorts of neat and happening things. They had water to drink, food to eat, they had sunshine to keep themselves warm. They had all the resources that they needed to build a fine and magnificent place. But you see, kid, they done fucked it up.

Now, these first people on planet earth lived in small villages. They had all sorts of groovy things in these villages to keep themselves occupied. They had food to eat, water to drink, they grew plants, they raised animals. They even had cute puppy dogs and kittens to keep themselves entertained.

But you see, kid, these villages were run by people who call themselves leaders. They wanted to lead the people. These leaders would spend the vast majority of their time masturbating furiously in their ivory towers and offices, thinking about ways that they could take things from other people to try to make their village a better place. They never thought about the people living in those other villages and that they may not like what these leaders wanted to do.

One day these leaders got together, and they convince the people of their village that they were going to take things from other villages. They got the people together, and they got them all worked up and angry about their situation. They said that their lives would be better if they just took things from other people. So, they got together, and they created all sorts of crude Implements of Destruction. They had rocks to throw, sticks to stab, and other crude Implements of Destruction. They took these implements and went to the other village. There was raping, burning, pillaging, and not even cute puppy dogs and kittens survived. They took what they wanted, and they went back to their village, and they felt better about themselves.

Now, over the years and centuries, these crude villages started to get a lot bigger. No longer had villages. You had cities and towns and other places where people could live. Eventually, some of these places got so big they became what are known as civilizations. In one of these civilized places, they call themselves the Romans.

Now Rome was a pretty hip and happening place. You had aqueducts, coliseums, amphitheaters, Roman baths, and other places to hang out. But you see, kid, these Romans still had leaders who were always masturbating furiously in their ivory towers and offices, wanting to take things from other people. So, they got together, and created a giant army. They called this army a Legion. Now, this army was pretty fancy for the time. They had all sorts of Implements of Destruction.

They had shields, swords, spears, catapults, siege towers, and all other types of Implements of Destruction. They marched across the land in nice and fancy formations. They spent their time pillaging, burning, raping, taking slaves, and desecrating the land. They were pretty proud of their accomplishments and all the things that they took from other people. They went back to their fancy city and felt better about themselves.

Well, eventually, a bunch of other people got pissed off at these Romans, and they too had leaders masturbating furiously in their ivory towers and offices of their own cities. So, everybody got together, and they had war after war. They took things from other people, desecrated the land, raping, burning, murdering, and doing all sorts of mean and nasty things in endless wars. You see, these wars did nothing but enrich the lives of these leaders who are always masturbating furiously in their ivory towers and offices, dreaming about taking things from other people.

Eventually, these wars got pretty serious, and lots of people ended up dying, and the Romans were finally defeated. Now all these people spread out all over the place, and it was a pretty dark time. You think that people would have learned from the wars by this time after all the pillaging, raping, burning, murdering, and whatnot that went on during this time. But no, they didn’t learn anything. They still had leaders masturbating furiously in their ivory towers and offices. Only in this case, they called them castles.

These leaders started to be referred to as kings and queens. You see, these kings and queens decided to take whatever the hell they wanted from other people. They would tax them, stabbed them, murder them, torture them, and do whatever the hell they wanted to other people so that they could take what they wanted.

They, too, develop giant armies. These armies went all over the land, raping, burning, looting, murdering, and doing all sorts of mean and nasty things to other people. They had all sorts of Implements of Destruction. They had longbows, short bows, crossbows, but they never had rainbows. They had short swords, long swords, shields, and all sorts of Implements of Destruction. They clashed on the battlefield in great big giant wars. Everybody wore shiny suits of armor so you can see them coming.

They spilled more blood and guts than anyone had ever seen. People stabbed in the eye, had arms cut off, heads cut off, and men were jumping up and down on one leg, saying it was only a flesh wound, but this didn’t turn out to be the case. The leaders in these castles, we’re still masturbating furiously in their ivory towers and offices, dreaming about taking over large swaths of land and enslaving other people so that they could enrich their pocketbooks.

As the century got by, this new warfare got even more civilized. As people got a proper edumacation, they came up with all sorts of groovy Implements of Destruction that they could use in warfare. One of these new Implements of Destruction that they came up with was called gunpowder. Now, this was a weapon that the leaders who were always masturbating furiously in their ivory towers and offices could use to really kill people. I mean, kill! They wanted to see blood and guts and dead bodies. They wanted to kill! They needed to kill people at a high rate to get what they wanted quickly. So, they used this gunpowder and created this thing called the rifle. It had other names, such as the musket, but we’ll use rifle.

Now they got their people together, and they created all sorts of fine armies. They had men with fancy suits with fancy hats. They would march across the field and even beat drums in the never-ending excitement of killing other people. They would stop a few hundred yards apart from each other, level their rifles at each other, and blow each other to pieces. You see, this was the fun and happening thing to do. Then they would fix their bayonets, which were long knife things on the end of their rifles. They would scream and holler at each other and run across the field and stab each other as many times as possible. They only did this because they ran out of ammunition.

They also had other Implements of Destruction at this time called cannons. These would blow people into a fine mist, which was absolutely perfect for the leaders masturbating furiously in their ivory towers and offices.

So kid, over the course of many years, refined and defined gunpowder and other Implements of Destruction. They eventually had pistols, shotguns, sniper rifles, tanks, battleships, airplanes, and other groovy Implements of destruction they used to kill people.

Eventually, they had what was called a World War. Now, this was a hip-and-happening war. Leaders masturbating furiously in their ivory towers in offices loved this type of war. They could take it across the globe and kill a whole bunch of people to enrich their pocketbooks. It was global, primetime, and mainstream. Now, this war went on for years. Cities were burned down. The land was destroyed, people were killed, and more blood and guts than anyone had ever seen in their lives. It was the most terrible and horrible thing that ever happened to humanity. At the end of this bloody conflict, they said it was the war to end all wars.

Kid, they were shiting you.

You would think after the death of millions of people that they would put it into this thing called war. But no, it was just the beginning. You see, they had another war after this war. Wars were beginning to be numbered now, and this one was called war number two. You see, there was this especially nasty leader masturbating furiously in his ivory tower and office. He had a funny mustache and always had his hand pointed out at the other people. He wanted what other people had.

Now the world got together to rid the world of this man with the funny mustache. They created all sorts of groovy implements of destruction to ensure that this happened, but you see, kid, this man with the funny mustache would never have existed had the First World War not happened. You see, people got used to killing people and getting angry, and placing blame on everyone. There were despots and dicktators, and evil masterbators. Shake your finger at anyone different and kill em. They just decided that this was the right thing to do whenever they had problems with anything. It was much easier to kill people than to talk to them.

Before the end of this war, they decided it was a good idea to make an extremely powerful Implement of Destruction. They needed a quick and easy way to kill other people. So they took the atom, and they split it. Now the leaders began to masturbate extra furiously when they discover the power of this weapon. And, of course, they decided to use it. This weapon was so terrible and horrible that it destroyed entire cities. You would think after these weapons were used that mankind would finally decide, hey, this war thing is messed up. Perhaps we should talk to each other and work out our differences. But no, the leaders masturbating furiously in their ivory towers and offices had decided that this would be a hip and happening way to kill people.

After this war, many years passed. They refined and defined these atom bombs and created these things called missiles. Now the leaders masturbating furiously in their ivory towers and offices really like these missiles. After all, these missiles looked like the giant dicks that they were.

They had all sorts of wars after the Second World War. They couldn’t seem to stop. They always needed to take things from other people. They could never sit down and iron out their differences. That took too much effort, so they decided that the best course of action was to kill people. Eventually, after many years, the leaders always masturbating furiously in their Ivory towers and offices finally punched the button. All of the giant missiles that looked like the pricks they were flew around the world.

There was so much destruction everywhere that it was a sight to behold. Everything that the people worked for and try to build was destroyed in a complete and utter cataclysm. There was no one left alive there were no trees, no clean water, no clean air, and a vast and completely ruined wasteland. No blood and guts this time as it was vaporized. Well, except for two leaders. These leaders pull themselves up from the ruins of their ivory towers and offices, where they were always masturbating furiously at the thought of killing other people. They found their way through the ruins to each other.

They picked up the last two remaining sticks on planet earth and pointed them at each other, and they said, “I’ll have what you have.”