The High Price of Being in an ‘Almost Good Enough’ Relationship

Fear of loneliness will cost you more than you bargain for

My friend signed her divorce papers on a wet day in January — the time of year when gray skies and the national depression rate are prevalent.

Watching her, I recalled the summer when she and her now ex-husband became a couple. Their engagement surprised me because she had been in love with his brother, who moved to another country a few months prior.

We pay a high price for our fear of loneliness

Loneliness hurts, but people may overlook the high price they pay when they give up their autonomy rather than face going solo.

People who fear solitude sometimes choose incompatible partners instead of isolation, and their relationships are painful.

“He’s so similar,” she said about her fiancee, comparing him to his sibling. Despite shared parents, backgrounds, and education, the brothers weren’t similar enough, though. She wasn’t happy in the relationship: Just okay.

“So, he’s the one now?”

She explained they had differences, but yes, she would marry him, although they weren’t well-matched. She didn’t want to be single, so the relationship was, in her words, “better than nothing.”

Fear of being alone reduces self-sufficiency

In a wrong relationship, couples create misery they wouldn’t produce alone. They have different tastes, so they disagree on how to live a life that suits them. The individual who gets to make important lifestyle decisions is the one who is unafraid to be alone. The other can’t speak up in case their partner abandons them.

If we fear loneliness, we are at the mercy of a partner who fears it less. We sacrifice our needs in their favor so they don’t abandon us.

My friend’s marriage was worse than okay. It was bad. Her husband made the decisions, many of which she disliked. He chose where they lived, their friends, and their vacation destination. And he didn’t have to be forceful to get his way because she buckled under the slightest pressure.

“You’re right. I’m unhappy, but at least I have someone. I can’t be pushy because he could leave me,” she said. “Then what would I do?”

Fear of loneliness often accompanies fear of dealing with our emotions

If we need constant companionship, it’s usually because we are awkward in our own company. We aren’t comfortable with our feelings. With someone to distract us, we need never look at how we feel.

Using a partner as a diversion doesn’t work long-term, though, since we bottle our feelings and our welfare drops.

We might use the other person to compensate for other weaknesses, too. If we run most of our decisions by them, we don’t consider ourselves responsible when we make mistakes.

Our lack of autonomy, however, doesn’t mean we can’t be strong or decisive: It stems from never being alone long enough to find out who we are and develop. We don’t give ourselves the chance to face challenges and grow.

Seven years and two children later, she signed away her ‘almost good enough’ marriage that could never have made her happy. And I wondered why she wed someone she knew she was incompatible with when she could have waited for a suitable partner.

The signs she might settle for a less-than-good enough relationship were always present.

One Sunday afternoon, when we were teens, we sat rifling through a bookcase for reading material.

“How about this one?” I held up a history book.

“Are you kidding? It’s about Dartmoor (an extensive area full of hills, valleys, and ancient tors). I can’t imagine anywhere more lonely.”

Reading about it, let alone visiting somewhere without any people, bothered her.

“It’s a lonely place. I hate it.”

I was to meet other people later who feared being alone, friends who dated less than suitable partners, or married them because they didn’t want to face loneliness. And I realized they preferred to be with the wrong person rather than be single.

Overcoming the fear of loneliness brings rewards

When we relax in our own company, whether or not we’re in a relationship, we understand our tastes and boundaries. We are discriminating and at ease enough to make our own decisions.

We come to know ourselves and make friends with like-minded people. And our individuality shines as we develop our talents and strengths.

It’s healthy to get comfortable with your own company

Being single is more nourishing than hooking up with an unsuitable partner because we fear being alone. When we are fine solo, our social and practical skills grow. We deal with challenges and learn to understand ourselves.

We need to distinguish an ‘unattached’ status doesn’t mean we’re defective. There’s nothing wrong with us if we aren’t with people. If we’re single, even though we would enjoy having a partner, we are discerning, not unloved, unattractive, or not good enough in another way.

Settling for an almost good enough relationship means we don’t discover who we are, form satisfying connections, or explore our needs.

But, when we are happy alone, we come to know ourselves well, and we’re in a favorable position to find a relationship that’s not only enough but fulfilling, too.