BOUNDARIES/COMMUNICATION

The Hidden Truth About Expectations — When is Enough, Enough

Why are you always the “go-to” person with all the answers and the two hands to fix everyone else’s problems?

Isn’t it time for people to learn to lower their expectations regarding what they want others to do for them?

A dear friend who we’ll call “Shara” has become the epicenter of too many peoples’ universe. Mother, wife, sister, in-law, friend, neighbor, pet-parent — too many eyes are turned in her direction.

Too many sets of hands are extended in gestures of wanting to be pulled up. Too many people have her cell number on speed-dial.

These same individuals expect her to make their world go ‘round, their lives to run smoothly. They want her to operate like a Swiss rail system so they don’t have to.

The problem is, Shara is so unwittingly invested in making other peoples’ lives easier and more comfortable, she’s unable to pursue her own goals, her own ambitions, her own dreams.

Some might ask, what kind of goals and ambitions does a 70-year-old woman have? Answer: the same as any other 20, 30, or 40 year-old person.

Or, more simply put — the same as you.

She’s an exceptionally talented artist — she wants time to paint. She’s an excellent writer — and wants to author a book on her nightmare experience of having been accused of a crime — arrested, convicted and finally (years later) exonerated. Read more about her ordeal below.

Shara also has home improvement projects that are important to her. But due to daily, unrelenting demands and ceaseless interruptions her dreams and ambitions are on hold.

All around her are the invisible hands of other peoples’ needs and wants dragging her further away from her own goals and desires.

Time is not on our side

As we get older we’re reminded daily how little time we have on this earth.

Days fly by in minutes, weeks are passed in a flash, and calendar pages are ripped off in frightening succession.

For the last eight months Shara has tried to convert a back bedroom into a studio/office so she can set up her easel for painting and move in a desk, chair and computer to set up a space for writing.

This fairly simple task of moving, rearranging, setting up bookshelves and painting walls has become a Sisyphean task. The same people who asked her to write and re-write a half dozen or more resumes can’t find time to provide the muscle power she needs to physically move stuff.

Another individual for whom she spent countless hours designing invitations for an event and addressing fifty envelopes in cursive script calligraphy can’t be bothered to help swing a paintbrush in the back bedroom office.

Understandably Shara is depressed about her friends and family’s lack of interest in reciprocating by helping with some of her projects.

“I really don’t understand it,” she said as we sipped a glass of wine on her sunroom.

Trotting across the length of the porch were two dogs, a six-month-old pit bull and a two-year-old Doberman. Their tails wagged furiously as they paced and whined anticipating a walk.

“What’s up with these guys?” I asked. I knew she and her husband didn’t own any pets. After their 12-year-old poodle died last year she told me her pet guardian days were over.

She said her neighbor asked her to take care of the pit bull — Sadie — for three weeks while she and her husband traveled to Europe. Mack, the Doberman, was recently adopted by her daughter and husband.

“She drops him off every morning before she heads out to FedEx. I take care of Mack until she picks him after work,” Shara explained.

“Hold on,” I interjected. “Her husband works at home. Why is the dog coming over here every day?”

“I don’t know,” she replied wearily. “She says it’s inconvenient — trying to work and everything. Mack needs too much attention.”

“Why the hell did they even adopt him? They’re expecting you to take care of him every day?”

That seems to be the plan. I feel sorry for my friend but I also realize she is complicit in her situation.

The truth about others’ expectations

Why do some people have unreasonable and unrealistic expectations of others? Where does this sense of unbridled entitlement come from?

In some cases these “over-expectors” are narcissists, exhibiting behavior defined by the Oxford Learner’s Dictionary as “having an excessive preoccupation with oneself and one’s own needs — at the expense of others’.”

Often, these types of people were excessively catered to as children by parents who not only anticipated their problems but solved them without allowing their youngsters the opportunity to problem-solve on their own.

People who consistently have fixed expectations of others also tend to have lopsided relationships whereby they feel entitled to receive from others, but don’t normally expect to reciprocate. Their focus is on receiving.

How do we deal with people who expect much from us but who aren’t inclined to reciprocate?

Boundaries

One should first understand unrealistic expectations are unhealthy. They chip away at relationships while bankrupting the goals of the other person.

In addition, unreasonable expectations and demands can set up the giving person for failure.

I thought of my friend being burdened with having to walk, feed, and take care of two rambunctious canines. She’s still recovering from knee surgery and I can only imagine her taking a spill on one of her afternoon dog walks.

Nothing good can come from any of the possible — if not likely — scenarios. An animal lover myself, I also question the wisdom of placing their care in the hands of someone who may not be physically able to fulfill her responsibilities to them.

Setting firm boundaries is the only way to shut down someone else’s expectations.

In setting boundaries, it’s important to use “I” statements to express concerns and to encourage realistic thinking.

For example, I wish Shara had said to her neighbor:

“I’m sorry. I wish I could take care of Sadie while you guys are gone, but I can’t. I know there are some great boarding facilities in the city — I’d recommend that you check out some of them. I’ll ask a few friends, too.”

In that response she told them firmly she can’t do it — but at the same time she offered to help by asking a few friends if they have recommendations.

We must understand we don’t have to be a pleaser all the time. But we can offer to help in other ways.

In an article on how to relinquish unrealistic expectations the writer suggests gentle humor may help.

To her daughter with a work-from-home husband Shara could have said:

“Now that’s hilarious! You think I’m gonna walk that eighty pound dog twice a day while your husband sits at his computer? Not gonna happen! Besides, I’m out too much lunching with my gal pals — you need to find a better solution.”

Final thoughts

It helps to remember expectations and boundaries flow from the same stream — both are efforts to have our needs met. They function as essential healthy structures allowing our relationships to become more equitable.

Boundaries invite healthy reflection of our needs as we communicate our expectations in such a way as to establish and maintain mutual respect.

The truth about expectations should never be hidden — they should always flourish under the sunlight of shared understanding.

© 2024 Deborah Camp. All rights reserved.

Thank you for your time and attention.