BAD PHILOSOPHY
The Hidden Meditations of Marcus Aurelius
“Why didn’t Leander bring bacon?”
Marcus Aurelius, ruler of the Roman Empire from CE 161 to 180, was widely considered a wise and just emperor. Today he is admired for his Meditations, which exemplify Stoic philosophy and the virtues of wisdom, moderation, courage, and justice.
Recently a British tourist sleeping off a bender in a sewer pipe in Rome unearthed and vomited on a collection of parchments which archeologists believe to be a previously unknown set of writings from Marcus Aurelius. These newly cleaned and translated documents shed fresh light on the great Emperor and philosopher.
On waking up in the morning
Take note of thoughts you may have when you awake, as they will shape your journey through the day.
Why does my back hurt? How did the chamber pot get pushed so far under the bed? Why didn’t Leander bring bacon? I told him to bring bacon — who the fuck wants candied hummingbird for breakfast? I can already tell this is going to be a shitty day.
Accept this wisdom, and remain in bed if necessary.
On worrying about the opinions of others
Remember that if others hold you in low esteem, it need be of no concern to you. Their thoughts are their own and cannot harm you. Not if you’re the emperor with a bunch of Praetorian Guard around, anyway. If you’re a slave or something, you should probably try to stay on people’s good side.
On dealing with difficult people
In life, you will encounter people who are ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly. They know no better, and they cannot affect your happiness unless you allow them to.
But realistically, this guy is such a tool. I don’t need some jumped-up little prick of an accountant telling me we haven’t got enough money to build a new wall up in Germania. I mean, I’m the fucking Emperor, my face is on the coins! Think he has a German accent too. Would it be a bad look if I had him crucified?
On life and death
When you start to think of yourself as important or grand, remember the great ones of past days who have died; their names and reputations are long forgotten, their works crumbled to dust. One day you will be the same.
That doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be cool to put up a fifty-foot marble statue of me right next to the Colosseum so people still talk about me after I kick it. I should talk to the accountant about that. Oh shit. I wonder if it’s too late to cut him down.
