The hidden gifts of celibacy

I mean, besides the obvious

We all know what the obvious bennies are, right? No risk of pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases are the biggies.

Not to mention the whole bugaboo about commitment. You know how tempting it is to end up in the sack before having the three hour interview about life time visions and intentions around relationships. Heck, I’d rather interview with the CIA than go through another one of those, right?

It’s so hard to match up within even 20 points of each other. Now obviously, a total commitment phobe and someone with their trousseau all picked out will have quite a bit of negotiating to do. If they can even make it work.

But what if you’re otherwise close, but just enough of a discrepancy like where one wants kids and the other doesn’t?

Or one is a precinct captain for Elizabeth Warren and the other is frantically writing letters to Joe Biden to help him clean up his politically un-correct vocabulary cause they just know he’s our only hope. It sounds close, but there could be trouble in February. And again in March. Let alone in November.

But hey, that’s a year away. Does that mean when they meet at Safeway doing voter reg and eye each other from across a dirty parking lot, and its love at first sight that consummation is doomed? Not necessarily, but it could get very sticky very quickly. One big fight or lots and lots of little ones.

I know there are couples that manage much bigger rifts, like the whole red and blue thing, but my unofficial survey results are showing while that is less and less common, the sex is really hot. The relationships are rocky, but the sex is really hot. So go figure. I shouldn’t even report this as it is antithetical to my thesis.

Now where was I? Oh, yeah, aside from the whole are we or aren’t we and if we are, what we are questions, there are more subtle issues pointing to the bennies of celibacy.

The underwear dilemma for example.

This is such a quandary, for women especially — but I doubt they are the only ones — that they’ve written about it here on Medium…to the tune of…should you wear the oh so sexy gauzy, skimpy, thongy ones just in case a sexual encounter is in the offing?

And risk the narrow, frilly, lacey string and even the fabric triangle showing when you bend over. Or maybe that’s not a risk. Maybe that’s being flirtatious.

Or should you go for comfort? That being the so-called granny panty AKA brief, albeit old-fashioned, boring and potentially prudish. And risk the Hanes for Her wide elastic waistband showing when you bend over. That’s not usually considered flirtatious.

See what I mean? If you’re celibate, this is a non-issue.

Now one would think it would be a non-issue anyway. Or so I thought, until I started reading all the posts and all the comments. Folks were taking sides like blue vs red — or at least Starbucks vs Peet’s.

Now there used to be that question for men — boxers or briefs. Until fashion science invented the boxer brief combining the comfort of boxers with the sturdiness of knitted cotton and other fabric blends. And viola, the best of both worlds. And they are in my book, sexier than either one alone.

But as far as I know, fashion science has not figured out a fool proof way to combine the brief and the thong for women. And what would they call it? brong or thief?

If I am mistaken about this please clue me in. I’ve been celibate long enough that I’ve stayed in my boring brief box, though I have it on good authority that I have a lot of company including one of my comic heroes, Paula Poundstone, as quoted on my favorite NPR show, Wait Wait..Don’t Tell Me!

And then there’s the shower quandary.

Do you shower before sex so you’re nice and clean for your lover? Or do you shower after, knowing you’re about to work up quite a lather, with glistening skin and that area we’ve been posting prompts about deliciously moist before, well-lubed during (I trust — otherwise, why bother?) and no doubt drippy after? Sorry if I am indelicate, but these are treacherous waters to negotiate.

There was a time when we had the luxury to shower before and after. But now with droughts a-plenty and the whole climate change issue looming over our heads, it’s meant conserving water.

Yes you can shower together, but if one of you is a before and the other an after, you still have to negotiate the treacherous waters. But please don’t leave the tap on very long while so doing.

Not to mention the timing of the orgasm.

Now this can be a real dilemma. In the movies, of course the couple climax together in a perfectly choreographed dance of build-up and simultaneity that would make Balanchine proud.

But that’s a movie. It’s all acting. Good acting perhaps, but it’s faked. Which, like the happily ever after mythology, gets our hopes up that this is how it can or must be.

In real life, well…everyone’s biology and arousal, climax and denouement cycle is different. Without charts and diagrams and frequent checking of time pieces, this would be next to impossible for most of us.

So again, there’s the perennial negotiation, re-positioning, speeding up, slowing down, and trying to second guess your partner. At a time when your own body is on its particular trajectory and may not be inclined to be steered off course. Since every love-making session is different, there’s not usually a one-size-fits-all solution to this.

Now I know some folks are fine either way. This is an enlightened view.

Others come to resent always being last or having to do extra work to help their partner get off. If we could all be enlightened, that would be great and Joseph Biden would always know exactly what to say and what to not say on camera.

So pardon me, I’ve gotten away from the gifts of celibacy. I’ve been ranting about some of the challenges of sexual activity. You could say not having a challenge is a gift, but that doesn’t go over very well at birthdays and Christmas.

For your present I’m not giving you my viral pneumonia. See how that goes? You can’t wrap that up and put a bow in it. And it’s hard to explain to kids.

So let me flip the script and put it in positive, affirmative lingo.

The gift of celibacy is freedom.

Freedom from unwanted pregnancy and disease. Freedom to be your own under dresser. Freedom to shower when you please. Freedom to have your own private orgasms* at will. And freedom from the constraints of commitment.

I realize this may be too much freedom for some folks. I realize this is an unpopular opinion. And that’s fine. You’re always at choice.

But when you get stymied at the lingerie counter, or haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in weeks — either from sexual marathons or your partner’s snoring, don’t come complaining to me. I warned you.

Life is just too damn short to be trifflin’ about this crap anyway. I’ve got a brand new vibrator you know where, so bugger off!

*It occurred to me as I was about to roll the presses to look up the definition of celibacy, of which there are several ranging from religious vows to declining marriage. Let’s just say mine lies somewhere in the middle with the stress on the word lie.

Marilyn Flower writes political humor and satire to delight socially and spiritually conscious folks. She’s a regular columnist for the prison newsletter, Freedom Anywhere, where she writes about faith and prayer. Five of her short plays have been produced in San Francisco. Clowning and improvisation strengthen her resolve during these crazy times.