The Hidden Cost of Love: How Toxic Relationships Steal Your Identity

Even the best of relationships experiences its share of ups and downs, it is to be expected that things cannot always be perfect.

One could even go so far as to say that a relationship that doesn’t have its “moments” would give its participants little opportunity for personal or mutual growth.

Those moments of disagreement and discord do not need to be fraught with heartache and sorrow for them to help you to realize the full potential of who you are and can be.

They can be gentle nudges that force you to look deeper into yourself and to fully map out the boundaries of what makes you who you are.

Relationships without discord, or with too much can create a toxicity that comes from either the forceful or manipulative efforts of one member to smother or over stretch the boundaries of the other. This is not a one-sided affair though; one’s boundaries can only be manipulated by another through permission or complete unawareness.

One whose boundaries are rigid and unyielding will expect the outer world to conform to the expectations of those boundaries.

Likewise one whose boundaries are unclear and excessively malleable are susceptible to having their boundaries defined by the rigid boundaries of those closest to them.

In an ideal relationship each members boundaries are well defined but with a degree of flexibility and permeability allowing for the flow to give and to receive. In toxic, unhealthy relationships the rigid boundaries of one member and the undefined boundaries of the other result in a one way flow of give and take.

In other words the one with the rigid boundaries “takes” over the boundaries that are “given” to them by the one whose boundaries are less defined.

This type of relationship will leave the one with the overly flexible and undefined boundaries feeling off balance and drained. If you suspect that something in your own relationship is off but you cannot quite work out what, then it might well be that what has brought you here is that suspicion of something you cannot quite see or define but you suspect might well be the case.

These are some of the signs that may lead you to your own awakening to the truth of the real nature of your relationship, and that first realization is the first step in finding your way back to yourself.

An Unidentifiable Change

The relationship dynamics appear the same on the surface but something has changed over the course of time. The change is so subtle and has occurred so slowly that you may struggle to identify exactly what that change is or how it has occurred.

The shiny joy the relationship once had has become tainted and tarnished.

The connection you once displayed and presented to the world with pride, you seem to now diminish, and shrink away from. Almost as if you are trying to shelter the truth of it from the observant gaze of others, not to mention yourself. There is a hint of shame, though you won’t openly admit it, a brief sense of jealousy if you hold it up too closely in comparison with others.

A Growing Sense of Unease

You don’t quite know when it began to happen but you have come to the realization that you have been walking on eggshells around your partner. This persistent level of discomfort is signally that your emotional environment is out of balance, and your boundaries are struggling to find stability.

It is the body’s way of whispering to you that something is not quite right.

Your fight or flight response always on high alert, treading carefully in a relationship that should be your refuge and respite from the demands and expectations of the outside world.

Second Guessing Yourself

At some point self-doubt has become your natural state of operation. Continuously questioning your thoughts, decisions, actions and perceptions is perhaps the clearest sign that your self-confidence and your boundaries have been eroded.

You find yourself filtering your every thought, action and decision not through the clarity of understanding your own boundaries but rather through your confusion in attempting to perceive them through the filter of someone else’s.

This constant second guessing leaves you questioning your self-worth and abilities based on the expectations of another rather than of yourself.

Paralysis in Decision Making

There is a peculiar type of paralysis that you find yourself all too often coming under the influence of. This is not the result of a lack of choice or options but rather from the fear of making the wrong choice in the eyes of another, with no regard for your own desires or values in the process.

At this point you find yourself unable to decide or to share your opinion, even when prompted, indicating a deeper fear of judgment or reprisal.

Or perhaps it is simply the unconscious realization that your decision is not really wanted nor valued, and you have without realizing it simply stopped wasting the energy and effort knowing that it is not really wanted.

Withdrawing from your Wants and Desires

You have become aware that at some point you have stopped asking for things or expecting anything at all. Your demands and expectations from the relationship and far too often from life itself, have faded into non-existence.

You have unconsciously withdrawn not only your expression of your desires for your own preferences or wants in life but have even begun to hide them or excuse their loss to yourself.

This withdrawal is a protective mechanism, shielding you from the pain of disappointment and grief, but at a significant cost to your sense of agency and fulfillment.

The desires and wants that are pursued or achieved in the relationship are not yours.

The relationship has become a means of expressing the values and desires of only one of its participants.

Seeking Validation from External Sources

The sense of being adrift, and lost leaves you needing confirmation and direction in an attempt to try to understand the disconnect between what you are feeling and experiencing.

You may find yourself looking for answers and clarity from sources such as this or from friends, co-workers even complete strangers in an attempt to find some degree of clarity, reassurance that your unease and discomfort is warranted.

A Constant State of Fight or Flight

Living in a perpetual fog of confusion, your nerves constantly on edge, is exhausting.

This becomes a persistent state of hyper vigilance and alertness, where you are always bracing yourself for the next confrontation, the next sudden shift in expectations. This is not a natural state for one to be in all the time, with no safe space, no safe moment to release yourself from the constant state of stress.

Neglecting Self-Care

The constant demands of your relationship leaving you in a hypervigilant state give you little mental real estate and little time on the clock to think about or actually engage in any efforts to care for your own mental and physical state. Eventually the growing neglect and lack of attention begin to show on the outside.

Feeling Drained and Devalued

Constantly running on empty, the sense that you have given all of yourself that is possible and yet it still isn’t quite enough. It’s never enough, even if you are quite literally doing it all.

This is the unbalance that results from constantly giving and never receiving, of feeling like an object, a means to an end for the fulfillment of the needs and wants of another.

No matter how much you do, how much you concede, how hard you work, how much of yourself and your finances are given over without question, it is never enough.

There is always some passive aggressive barb waiting in the shadows to strike, some unwarranted criticism, a new manipulation, a new problem not of your own making just waiting to let you know that it is your solution to find, even if it ends up consuming every last bit of you.

Chronic Health Problems Develop

The connection between your mind and your body is profound, the emotional turmoil you are experiencing within, if left unseen and unmet will begin to show itself in the form of an increasing list of physical ailments.

Is it any wonder?

The constant state of stress leaves you perpetually operating in a fight or flight response, eroding all aspects of your physical wellbeing over time. The growing self-neglect and the lack of value you have for yourself will not just display itself in the form of disheveled hair and a woeful countenance.

It will attach itself in a thick layer around your middle, almost like a protective vest, it will take up home in your joints, limiting their movement. It will fill your lungs, making it hard to breathe, it will take over your every thought leaving you little room to think.

We give all of ourselves and the emptiness we are left with is filled with the weight of this heavy, angry, resentful, and self-deprecating poison.

Losing Yourself

As the slow and continuous erosion of your boundaries progresses you may find yourself coming to the sudden, poignant awareness that you have at some point stopped doing all the things you used to, the things that made you “you”.

Abandoning your hobbies, interests and even your aspirations is a silent testament to the loss of self that occurs in such an oppressive environment.

A Home without your Imprint

A shared space should reflect the character of all who dwell within it. Traces of who you are should be seen and felt throughout, in the choice of décor, the colour of the walls, the organization of the space and the signs of life that make it your home.

Looking around this shared space, there is little of you in it, if you walked away tomorrow and took all the representations of yourself with you.

Would it even be apparent? The truth of your relationship is right there for you to see.

The reality of your relationship will express itself in your surroundings, the degree to which you are represented, the value and care with which your “things” are treated. Looking around yourself do you really see how you represent yourself in the relationship, how you are seen by your partner in the relationship?

Hypocrisy and Double Standards Abound

There seems to be one rule or expectation for you and an entirely different one for your partner and even the rest of the world.

You dare not point it out or question it, what is the point, regardless of the truth of it you will be wrong.

You find yourself trying to predict the response you will receive for all of your actions, and over time you begin to recognize the seed of resentment and injustice that is growing deep within your core as the reality of it becomes too blatant to ignore.

Mismatch between Words and Actions

Promises and plans are meaningless.

This isn’t a conclusion you come to quickly, but rather slowly, as the façade wears away and the real nature of your relationship and your partner begin to make themselves known.

The consistency between what a person says and what they do builds trust, you were given just enough of this to get hooked at the beginning but the growing signs of disparity between the words and actions are a signal of the real lack of integrity and reliability your partner truly displays.

Growing sense of Isolation

Friends have become few and far between, family no matter how geographically close is kept at distance.

At first you consented to this distance as a temporary appeasement to the preferences and comfort of your partner.

As your partner’s mask comes off and the criticism and distaste for your friends and family became more apparent, and venomous you kept the distance in place unwittingly to protect them from your partner.

If you are honest with yourself you will admit that it was also to hide the shame of the reality of the truth of your relationship from their scrutiny.

You find yourself making excuses for their behavior, automatically declining requests for their participation in activities, and favors, knowing a promise will be made resentfully and never followed through with.

Feeling Overburdened and Secretive

Bearing all the weight of responsibility for everything, you find yourself rehearsing excuses and distractions to avoid the inevitable repercussions.

As your unconscious awareness of the toxicity grows and your trust in your partner diminishes you find yourself becoming secretive and protective about all kinds of things.

Hiding the books you read, the purchases you make with your own money, the time you spend with friends and loved ones and even your finances in a growing need for self-preservation.

Eventually as your conscious awareness grows you hide this too, not letting them know that you are beginning to see them and your relationship for what they really are.

Work is a Refuge from Home

A preference for being at work, the subtle joy of a quiet undemanding commute. The ability to choose for yourself what to listen to, what route to take, how fast to drive, to treat yourself to a coffee.

The demands of work are clearer and less oppressive than the ones you face at home. You find yourself stretching your work day longer and longer, reluctantly heading home when you can justify it no longer.

The weekend rolls up and your co-workers delightedly finish work early and tear away as quickly as they can. You instead find reasons to bury yourself in self imposed projects and tasks that could well wait until Monday, which can’t come soon enough.

The Need for Justification and Endless Apologies

You are either constantly explain or apologizing for your actions or spending inordinate amounts of time pondering the next one.

This is perhaps the clearest sign of living your life under a microscope, constantly being expected to supply and justify the reason you do everything.

This constant micromanagement is exhausting and demeaning and forces you to conform to the expectations of another to avoid reprisal.

Living in a State of Competition

Every aspect of your life and who you are seems to have become a competition. A success at work is either diminished or overshadowed, congratulations resentfully given while simultaneously passive aggressively undermining them.

Just as a success is never as great as theirs, neither is a bad day ever as bad as the one they have had, an illness never as painful or debilitating as what they are going through.

Every single thing has somehow become a competition.

The growing awareness of these signs is preceded by a sense of unbalance, and confusion. Your body and your unconscious will be desperately trying to get your attention to bring the reality of your situation to the forefront of your attention.

Our natural instinct is to try to suppress and ignore the reality of what we are experiencing. Is this our survival instinct trying to protect us? Or is this denial our minds way of trying to protect of us from the shame and grief of knowing that the reality we thought we were living in never really existed.

The toxic nature of a relationship that creates these experiences is commonly woven whether intentionally or not by the deceptions of a narcissistic partner.

As you begin to recognize and navigate your way through these signs you are making the first steps necessary to towards reclaiming your identity and your life. This is that start of the journey back to you, to knowing that you deserve better and taking steps, however small, towards a future where you feel joy and freedom in expressing the full version of yourself.