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Abstract

failed me, that they weren’t there when I needed them.Giving them that letter was only going to cause pain. Maybe that’s what I had wanted while I was writing it but afterward was an entirely different feeling.I knew that giving them that letter was not going to bring me any relief, but writing it had.I tucked the letter away and felt a lightness I hadn’t felt in years.I know the practice now, writing a letter to someone to get your feelings out and then tearing it up. But I wasn’t really aware of it then.It wasn’t an overnight change, but I realized that once I had written down my grievances and decided that my parents, no matter how much they had hurt me, didn’t deserve for me to hurt them, my feelings shifted.I realized it was time to forgive them, not for them, but for me. It took a few years but slowly our relationship got better.I had forgiven them (to the best of my ability), and now understood how important this was for my mental wellbeing.I saw the way my oldest sister still behaved toward them, she harbored a lot of resentment, and I felt sorry for her. It was doing neither party any good.Looking back on it today, I’m beyond grateful for that decision

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. The relationship I have with my parents is far from perfect, but it is one I cannot imagine not having.Whether they deserved to be forgiven or not wasn’t the question that needed to be asked — it was whether or not I deserved to be free from the pain that my feelings toward them were causing me.There have been more situations in my life that have constituted this same forgiveness, and I’ve given it, whether or not that person was still in my life. And again, it always came with the relief, that you can only get from truly letting go.It’s hard to do, I won’t lie, and sometimes you’re not actually ready. But forgiving from afar is such a powerful tool.The biggest driving factor has to be how you want to feel.Do you want to be angry with someone for the rest of your life?Do you want to twitch anytime someone mentions their name?Do you want to have arguments over nothing, or behave in a passive-aggressive way toward them?It’s not healthy, for you. If you don’t care about how they feel, you should at least care about how you feel, and what holding onto resentment does to you.Forgive them, then forgive yourself for waiting this long to feel free.</article></body>

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

Allow yourself to move forward

When I was around 18 or 19 I had a horrible relationship with my parents. A lot had gone over my teen years and I had moved in with my sister to get away from it. I had been writing in a journal about my experiences growing up and realized that I couldn’t contain the anger any longer.

So I wrote my parents a letter.

It was honest. It was full of rage and blame. It was harsh, to say the least.

I truly was planning on giving them this letter. I felt I needed them to understand what they had put me through.

Then I read it.

And I read it again.

And I realized something. This was not going to make me feel better. They knew that they had been crappy parents, that they had failed me, that they weren’t there when I needed them.

Giving them that letter was only going to cause pain. Maybe that’s what I had wanted while I was writing it but afterward was an entirely different feeling.

I knew that giving them that letter was not going to bring me any relief, but writing it had.

I tucked the letter away and felt a lightness I hadn’t felt in years.

I know the practice now, writing a letter to someone to get your feelings out and then tearing it up. But I wasn’t really aware of it then.

It wasn’t an overnight change, but I realized that once I had written down my grievances and decided that my parents, no matter how much they had hurt me, didn’t deserve for me to hurt them, my feelings shifted.

I realized it was time to forgive them, not for them, but for me. It took a few years but slowly our relationship got better.

I had forgiven them (to the best of my ability), and now understood how important this was for my mental wellbeing.

I saw the way my oldest sister still behaved toward them, she harbored a lot of resentment, and I felt sorry for her. It was doing neither party any good.

Looking back on it today, I’m beyond grateful for that decision. The relationship I have with my parents is far from perfect, but it is one I cannot imagine not having.

Whether they deserved to be forgiven or not wasn’t the question that needed to be asked — it was whether or not I deserved to be free from the pain that my feelings toward them were causing me.

There have been more situations in my life that have constituted this same forgiveness, and I’ve given it, whether or not that person was still in my life. And again, it always came with the relief, that you can only get from truly letting go.

It’s hard to do, I won’t lie, and sometimes you’re not actually ready. But forgiving from afar is such a powerful tool.

The biggest driving factor has to be how you want to feel.

Do you want to be angry with someone for the rest of your life?

Do you want to twitch anytime someone mentions their name?

Do you want to have arguments over nothing, or behave in a passive-aggressive way toward them?

It’s not healthy, for you. If you don’t care about how they feel, you should at least care about how you feel, and what holding onto resentment does to you.

Forgive them, then forgive yourself for waiting this long to feel free.