The Haven Senior Investigative Reporter Claims President Trump was Patient Zero of the Coronavirus

Here is his story . . .

The Haven’s Senior Investigative Reporter Jeff Hanlon conducted a rigorous investigation on the origins of Corvid 19.

His inquiry concluded that Patient Zero of this hideous and deadly virus is none other than Donald J. Trump, president of the United States of America.

Here is the transcript of The Haven’s Founder and Senior Editor Page Barnes’ pre-publication interview with Jeff Hanlon:

Page Barnes: Mr. Hanlon, tell us how you arrived at the shocking conclusion that it was Donald Trump who was actually Patient Zero of the coronavirus.

Jeff Hanlon: Will do, sweetie.

PB: I’m not your sweetie.

JH: Sure. Okay. We’ll talk about that later.

PB: About Trump being Patient Zero?

JH: Yes. Chinese President Xi Jinping had invited Trump for a tour of China. Mr. Trump was accompanied by a small contingency of his staff. Xi and the rest toured the Wuhan Province. There was also a pool photographer, an AP guy.

PB: Wuhan, where the coronavirus originated.

JH: You bet your sweet booty.

PB: So, the AP guy? The photographer?

JH: Yes, the photographer took photographs.

PB: Mr. Hanlon, could we move this along a bit faster?

JH: Of course, darling. The photographs show that mid-way through Wuhan tour, there were pictures of some white glob on Mr. Trump’s shoulder.

PB: White glob?

JH: Yes. It appeared to be birdshit.

PB: Birdshit?

JH: What, you’re idea of an interview is just to put a question mark behind the last thing I said?

PB: The last thing you said?

JH: Here was my original theory: The Chinese, they didn’t much like Mr. Trump. Too unpredictable. So their clever scientists developed a lethal virus and dropped it on Mr. Trump via miniature drone. They designed it to look like regular old birdshit. Say, you into threesomes? Maybe you and me and Cherry could go out for drinks.

PB: Mr. Hanlon!!

JH: But the problem with my original theory was that it didn’t kill Mr. Trump, but was obviously lethal enough to kill many many others. But I had a theory on that, too. So I took my theory to Dr. Stanley Tucci, eminent immunologist at the Mayo. Dr. Tucci explained that it was a simple matter of Mr. Trump’s immune system, telling me that Trump had genetic immunity to criticism, facts, reality, and the truth. So it wasn’t unreasonable to conclude Mr. Trump was also immune to the virus.

PB: Interesting.

JH: So that was a no on the drinks?

PB: Correct.

JH: But you’ll still put my photo in the article?

PB: I promised, yes.

JH: The one I sent you?

JH: Good. That’ll drive your reads into the stratosphere. Anyway, I saw on the TV one of Mr. Trump’s press availabilities where he stands under Marine One while it warms up to take Mr. Trump to a golf course. And there it was again. White globs on his shoulder. Passing right through the whirling rotors. I asked a guy at DOD about this and he said, “Ever try throwing an egg through a fan?” When I asked him to explain this phenomena, all he said was, “Beats the shit out of me.” That’s when I finally realized what it was. Divine intervention.

PB: Divine intervention?

JH: Divine Intervention. God. She’s been pretty pissed about Trump for quite some time. So God decided to take him down a notch.

PB: God? God??

JH: I have it on good authority that God is frustrated with some of her recent creations. Like the Kardashians and TikTok. And she has an ungodly obsession with Mr. Trump. She was also hitting the sauce pretty hard, I was told.

PB: God was drinking?

JH: It happens. Most of what we attribute to the Devil is just God when she’s drunk. And her big fuck up mistake in Wuhan didn’t exactly boost her mood.

PB: God makes mistakes?

JH: Of course. Like when she forgot to smite Abraham for his incestuous marriage to his half-sister Sarah. And the ostrich.

PB: The ostrich?

JH: Does the ostrich look like it was created on purpose? The ostrich was a God mistake.

PB: [indecipherable]

JH: So anyway, God didn’t want another Wuhan. But she still wanted to shit all over Trump. So she divinely employed a squadron of Song Sparrows to do just that.

PB: There are Song Sparrows all over D.C.

JH: Precisely. No one pays attention to them. That God, she’s a master tactician. I mean, look what she did with the swarms of locusts! Military precision, I tell ya.

PB: And how is Mr. Trump responding to this?

JH: Trump said, “I and I alone can put an end to this shitshow. Nobody knows more about shit than Donald Trump.”

PB: Mr. Hanlon, your conclusion that Donald Trump was patient zero for Corvid-19, isn’t really true, is it? He was never a patient, never had Corvid-19.

JH: Sure, but it makes for a great headline. Clicks, baby, clicks. Try to use some diphthongs, too. Diphthongs really turn people on.

PB: Whatever. And now this divine intervention theory about Song Sparrows defecating on Mr. Trump in D.C. Do you really think anyone is going to buy that?”

JH: Anyone? How about everyone? The top trending hashtag on Twitter five days running is #HolyShit. Anyway, about you and I, maybe –

[interview terminated]