The Happiest I Ever Felt: A Travel Story

The supervisor job I had was fun, especially during the summer months. I had a great team, and we’d get into some good conversations when it was slower. I was comfortable in the role until for some reason, the head manager started creating conflicts, like asking me to assign seating or to write down who didn’t abide by the rules (Such as grabbing a coffee outside of break time or not sitting where they were assigned).

For me, it’s hard to enforce rules I don’t agree with. Some of the people were around my age or older and I didn’t like feeling like a strict teacher with them — I believe in a more linear type of management style where no one is in a dictator position, it’s more of a collaboration. Some Northern European businesses operate in this style and it works well.

I got another role as a fundraiser. It was a simpler job for the same pay which was ideal. I didn’t want to deal with any stress while studying psychology full-time. I was about to start school in a couple of weeks, work at a new job, and move into a new place. The room I rented on Main Street was the most wonderful place I’ve ever lived in. The first day I moved in, I thought, “I’ve made it!”

It was a renovated micro suite and from the moment I moved in, I made it my very own. I loved everything about it from the location to how it was set up. It had big windows, a kitchenette, a sink, high ceilings, and just enough room for what I needed to live a minimal but stylish life.

I eased into the new fundraising role and loved the job environment. It was Monday to Friday and there were no targets to reach. We could have nice phone calls with people. It was the perfect job to do a little reading in between calls — which is what I did. I chose to do distance learning while working full time so I wouldn’t have to be a starving student.

I couldn’t wait to get home and read from my textbooks and do the assignments. Studying to be a therapist was my literal dream come true. When I wanted a study break, I’d watch Hannibal. While it was dark, I enjoyed the fact that it was about psychiatrists and the way it’s filmed is so artistic.

My room was cozy and beautiful and I was so incredibly happy to finally have my own place right in my dream city. Everything in my life was essentially perfect.

I was still working as a mystery shopper. It would usually be after my main shift at work, but sometimes it would be earlier or on one of my days off. I still found some time to write stories.

As odd as it sounds, I didn’t feel “busy”, despite the things I had going on. I think because my room was so beautiful and my job was so chill, it gave me the headspace needed to focus on school, writing, and the extra gig.

Around Halloween, I went to see an EDM show performed by Black Tiger Sex Machine. It was amazing. I love how the DJs blended electronic music with orchestral scores. I was a little tired that night from an upset stomach, but the music gave me energy and I ended up dancing most of the night.

A couple of guys came up behind me to try to dance, but I moved away. I didn’t want it to be that kind of night. Some nights, I was really just there for the music. Other nights, I’d dance with someone if they caught my fancy. It was rare I’d dance with one person for the whole night.

The texts from Andy started to dwindle after our relationship matured into what I thought was a true friendship. My crush on him dissolved and I started to think of him more as a brother, but when he shut me out completely, I was upset. Because I wasn’t going to date or join any social groups until my school year was done, everyone who was currently in my life was all that I had.

With everything else great in my life, I hoped to have a friend who was happy for me. He told me he just wanted time with his girlfriend, which I completely understood, but I wished he would have told me that before distancing himself. He was the one who insisted that we stay friends in the first place.

I didn’t have someone to share my cool findings or experiences with anymore — I had grown to rely on his upbeat texts. I texted my family regularly, but I didn’t want to bug them too much with everything new I was learning. That’s the type of stuff you’d message a friend about.

Dustin and I were still friends, but he had a lot of other friends, so I didn’t want to bug him too much. Most of our conversations took place in person rather than online and I respected that.

I love my girlfriend, Sara. I’m sorry, but she stole my heart. He texted.

I know you do. That isn’t the issue. We are just friends, Andy. I was just a little upset that you said you wanted to stay friends and then you just stopped texting for a few weeks. I had a lot of cool things to tell you and you weren’t available anymore.

I know you want me, Sara, but I’m taken. I need to focus on the love of my life.

This is getting weird. I told you already that we’re just friends. I don’t love you. Nice try at gaslighting though!

I blocked Andy and that conversation was over. Looking back at this situation now, I see how toxic it was to be friends with a guy who has a girlfriend, especially when he is being flirtatious.

Let me tell you — I never made that mistake again.

I learned so much from my psychology courses for the following months. In one of the exercises, you had to diagnose and counsel yourself. I diagnosed myself with depression based on the criteria I was measured by. While I used to think I might be bipolar, it turns out I was not based on the DSM criteria.

When you are around unstable and non-committal people too often, it can make you feel bipolar, but that’s very different from actually having the condition. After working through some cognitive behavioural techniques, I was able to rewire my thinking.

It is amazing how CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) can help fix your brain. The things that used to trigger me or stress me out no longer did after I completed the course; I was able to test that several times since. If you want magic for depression, CBT is the thing you need. This is why I always recommend people at least try CBT and talk therapy if they can’t seem to shake depression or it comes and goes frequently.

You could have thought patterns or coping techniques you’re not aware of that can trigger those low moods.

I was depression-free for two years after taking that Abnormal Psychology course. When it returned every so often in the future, I had the tools on how to cope and overcome it. I knew it would pass. In the earlier days, it seemed like it would never lift. But it always does. I promise.

I’m glad I was able to get my emotions straightened out so I could fully enjoy the beautiful place I was in. I couldn’t have asked for a better era than the one I was in.

I always wanted to write a book set during the Napoleonic War times, so I worked on a novella about two boys from opposing sides who needed to work together after being shipwrecked. It was such a beautiful time of my life being able to write something so meaningful. Those two characters were dear to my heart and to this day I’m the proudest of this story.

I published The Pup & The Pianist, my seafaring novella, in January 2018. I didn’t want to say too much about what I was doing, but when I got talking with my coworkers one day, I’d tell them a little about my school and writing. One of my elder coworkers couldn’t believe that I was doing all this stuff on top of work.

“I know you’re enjoying it, but still it’s a lot,” she said.

In the summer of 2018, I visited my family again and we took a nice trip out to Toronto. Since it had been a long time that we went to the top of the C.N. Tower, we did that. It really brought into perspective how big Toronto is. The city seemed to stretch on forever. We also went back to our beloved area — Port Stanley.

On this trip, I caught a slight cold, but it was still fun. Armed with some cold meds, I walked with my sister through old Toronto. I felt so much positive energy from having the life of my dreams out west and seeing Toronto for a couple of days with my sister. My Dad called me “quite successful” with my new place, great job, books, and soon-to-be finished college program. I was on a high that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

Once I returned to Vancouver to resume my routine, I started talking more to a guy at work. Initially he was friends with two of the other ladies there, but over time we started gravitating to one another. The first time we hung out was on a hike to Deep Cove. It was nice to make a new memory there with someone else besides Andy.

The next weekend, I showed my new friend Bowen Island. It was fun going through the little shops with him then hitting the nature trails. Both trips were fun and our friendship grew. He loved shopping in the city, too, so every weekend we’d meet up and look at all the stores after buying a coffee from Starbucks.

Being from Europe, he had sophisticated tastes and a great fashion sense. It was nice to have a predictable friendship like that. We’d also go out for lunch together every day at work.

One of our older coworkers scolded us for not saving money, but it’s one of those things you only do for a period of time then you stop. I’m glad we lived it up when we had the chance. I felt like a true Vancouver yuppie on my excursions with him.

I had a huge crush on him, especially in the beginning. He was perfect to me. Of course, over time I learned nothing was ever going to happen between us since he’s gay, so our friendship matured into a place where we could share our dating woes and crushes. Sometimes we were like two kids exploring the city together.

I remember how Vlad encouraged me to buy a faux fur coat and when I wore it, people would compliment me a lot.

“You look like you know what you’re doing. I was sure you’d just walked off set or something,” said a lady who was shopping at the same store as us.

“Sara, someone’s noticed you because of your coat again,” said Vlad, laughing.

“I have you to thank for that. I wouldn’t have bought it without your encouragement,” I laughed with him.

I really miss that coat. With all the moves I’ve done, I always ended up losing a bunch of items I couldn’t fit into my suitcase. At one point, I couldn’t fit it into my bag so I had to give it away.

At least I enjoyed the coat for as long as I had it. I was reaching new heights in fashion when I was hanging out with Vlad. It was fun experimenting with different styles.

One day I got an unexpected text from Andy. He told me he’d broken up with his girlfriend and that he’d recently taken a hike to Deep Cove.

“I thought she was your partner in crime,” I said under my breath, shaking my head.

So, he thought about me since we’d gone there in the past. He wanted to arrange a dinner with me, so I thought I’d take him up on the offer just to see how things would go. The dinner was nice and the spicy calamari was tasty. We went dancing after and played some arcade games at a pub in Gastown. At closing time, we walked over to False Creek, which always looks so amazing at night.

It was then I realized he was trying to lead me to invite him into my room — a place I’d never invited anyone before. It was bold of him to assume I would hook up with him on a whim like that. He kissed me by the water. His charm was making it hard to say no to him and he wasn’t taken anymore so there was nothing to hold him back.

I let him into my apartment and we kissed. At the back of my mind, I knew there would be no chance for us if I slept with him on the first date.

Taking a breather, I said, “I don’t sleep with anyone outside of a relationship. I don’t want to go further.”

He rolled over on the bed, angry, and stared up at the wall. “I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

I felt satisfied in refusing him — I wasn’t his toy. He should have known better than to treat me like that. We fell asleep together and I remember waking up to him once saying something in Russian to me. I didn’t give a fuck what he was saying. He was privileged to be in my room and lucky I didn’t kick him out for being rude.

The next morning, he made some haughty judgements about how the halfway house he once lived in was way nicer than my place. I thought I was delusional, but it was him who needed a reality check. He brought up the night we met again, always telling the story in a way that made him look like a rescuer and me look like a dumb victim who needed saving. He was wrong. I was the one who stomped on the perpetrator’s foot and lunged at him. Andy hadn’t done a thing to deter the guy. He didn’t save me — I saved myself.

In the fall of 2018, I was finished with my course and received my college diploma in the mail. I was officially done and graduated! All I needed to do was get my volunteer hours then I could start practicing as a therapist. It was around this time I began writing a moody and adventurous new Western book I would later call Sally.

While I have enjoyed every year of my life in Vancouver, 2017–2018 was the most stable time for me. I worked through how to conquer depression and how to stop it from creeping in again. I had my own beautiful place, a stable job, a cool friend to hangout with, amazing clothes, and I was writing stories to my heart’s content.

This is the “me” that I dreamed of being when I first left Ontario. There’s no better feeling than accomplishing that.

This was such a beautiful time of my life and I’m so grateful I had the opportunity to experience this in Vancouver.

I’d come a long way from who I was. I can only hope that everyone else can have an opportunity to follow their dreams, too.

You will find no greater joy than becoming the person you always hoped you would be.

“Some of us are wild ones.”