The Greatest Lesson a Woman Must Learn from a Breakup

We might be able to read the writing on the wall — but what are we going to do about it?

Sometimes, looking back is as joyful as it is bittersweet. Sometimes, revisiting the headspace you were in during a painful breakup is just the medicine you need for the tumult that comes with its anniversary. Sometimes, you don’t know how far you’ve come until you look over your shoulder at the person you used to be.

I did this recently, by way of a journal from 2021, and was surprised by how much the experience of reading my own words validated both my experience then, and the effort I’ve put into my growth in the years since.

I’ve had a lot of journals filled with heartbreak and confusion over what happened in my romantic life. But 2021’s book of days was not one of them.

In those pages, I discovered a wise, deeply intuitive woman who was in the thick of her journey out of a history filled with gaslighting and manipulation. She was just steps away from trusting her own knowing.

And my god, what she knew. In all the pain of what transpired during those months and the years that followed, I hadn’t realized that 2021 Yael knew exactly what was happening. Her words documented, with an almost shocking clarity, the actions of the man who was exploiting her. Her words even documented the many, many times she tried to extract herself from the situation and his continued influence — something I had forgotten.

The only reason she stayed, I saw, was because of his accusations that “emotional baggage” was blinding her to his altruistic offer of unconditional love. Criticisms that she hadn’t healed enough to let go of the past and allow a good man into her life.

She feared the only way to prove to him how hard she had worked in therapy for the past few years was to stay.

Two years later, I feel overwhelmed with pride at how much I have grown. At how much my “emotional baggage” (more accurately known as the wisdom gained from difficult experiences) helped me see through his lies — even if I couldn’t stand my ground.

Now I see my own words, written during such a tumultuous time, and I see a woman who feared she was lost…but was not.

Today, I celebrate that woman who left her wisdom in that journal two Decembers ago.

What he says makes me question my reality. My perceptions. My instincts. Something feels so off. But he doesn’t seem to see it. His theory is that it’s just me — my history. That I don’t see what’s really going on because I’m too influenced by my past.

My romantic history is littered with this confusion. This doubting of reality, of my own perceptions. I’ve never known anything different, so why would I question it?

But I do now. I will never allow myself to remain in a relationship that makes me feel this way again. Questioning myself and my perceptions — and having a partner who encourages that — is an indicator that gaslighting is happening.

Someone who isn’t trying to manipulate you would have a conversation the moment you bring your confusion and uncertainty to them. They will, at bare minimum, not question your reality, perceptions, or feelings.

The second issue here is the accusation of unhealed emotional baggage. This is another constant in my history with men. Everything that went wrong was always my fault because of my “baggage.”

Again, a true partner would never bypass a conversation or potential conflict by blaming everything on the other party. And this tactic (using emotional baggage as a “gotcha”) is particularly prevalent with many men in heterosexual relationships. They magically have no emotional baggage. Because they are men, they believe they do not have any emotional hangups, unhealthy thought patterns, or mental health issues.

As one of my exes once said to me, “Men have more mental stamina than women.” Or as another said, more colorfully, “Men aren’t emotionally unstable like women are.”

This is not only incredibly misogynistic, but sets the relationship up for failure from the get-go by giving him an excuse to never have to take responsibility for anything that happens.

It’ll always be her fault because of all her “emotional baggage.”

Why should I have to suffer while he finds himself? How long does he expect me to sit here waiting?

We’ve finally slept together and suddenly, he descends into an emotional crisis. His mother is sick. He lost a ton of money on the stock market. His business is having a really bad month. His daughter is acting out. His ex-wife just dropped a new custody request on him.

He needs a minute. He doesn’t have the bandwidth to be a good partner right now. Maybe in a week or two, he’ll feel better. But right now, he needs some time. No contact for a while. But no worries, everything is fine.

I will never tolerate this nonsense again. I will never again believe a man who says he is all in until he has shown me, over the course of months, that he is, indeed, all in.

And goddammit, I will never again wait for a man who suddenly needs a “break” from a relationship five minutes after sex. I will never again allow a man to give me whiplash from how fast he changes his mind once we’ve made it to the bedroom.

It’s been two weeks since our disagreement and there’s been no demonstrable change. He hasn’t made any effort to continue this conversation, or cultivate our connection.

No more empty words. No more broken promises. The moment I hear words and discover they come without follow-through, I’m done. The moment he stops making an effort without addressing or acknowledging it, I’m gone.

I feel no desire for him. I feel no romantic feelings. I don’t even think I find him attractive anymore.

Finding yourself in a trauma response (this is my “freeze”) means someone is doing something that replays a past trauma.

Read that one more time and take it in.

Our nervous systems go into high alert in order to protect us from danger. Listen.

I didn’t want this. I didn’t want this from the beginning. He relentlessly pressured me to enter this relationship. I didn’t want this.

If he didn’t respect your boundaries back then — he sure as hell won’t respect them later, when the stakes are higher.

I am grieving tonight. I don’t see a way to salvage this relationship. He has been so aggressive and mean and he refuses to take any responsibility for any part of this problem. I don’t think I can be with a man like that.

No one can. No one should have to.

Conflict is hard, but grown adults should not treat their partners with aggression or cruel behavior. That is abuse and intimidation, not love. An adult who cannot talk through conflict without engaging in these behaviors isn’t ready for a romantic relationship.

He keeps snapping at me. He’s so angry. He says I don’t trust him and he hasn’t done anything to make me distrust him — and that I’m destroying our relationship because of that.

I’ve found this to be a favorite tactic with men. They turn “innocent until proven guilty” into “you owe me 100% trust unless I break it.”

There’s a big difference between a judiciary principle that attempts to keep people from being wrongfully imprisoned, and trust between two people. Justice asks us to evaluate the past. Trust is an investment in the future.

Innocence must be protected…but trust must be earned.

No one owes another person their full trust just because they decided to start dating. Anyone who would respond in anger that a new partner wasn’t giving them their full trust is not a trustworthy person.

I don’t know what to do. I can tell he is going to end things, but he’s just disengaging and says he’s too busy to have a phone call. I feel like I deserve the dignity of him looking me in the face and telling me it’s over.

Don’t know what to do? Just move on.

I’m done watching men slowly ghost me instead of having the decency to simply break up with me. I’m done waiting, in emotional agony, for them to make up their minds to pick up the phone. I’m even done chasing them, begging them to plan a phone call or meet up so I can ask them directly what’s happening.

I’m done waiting. No one deserves this kind of treatment.

Maybe next time, I’ll get on the same page and also decide that it’s over without telling them and move on, as they have. Since they are disengaging from all contact and have no intention of communicating their feelings, why wait around?

It feels liberating to read through the words written by my past self. It’s so clear that she knew what was happening. And though she claimed not to know what to do about it — she obviously did. She just couldn’t take the steps to do it because she felt overwhelmed by the doubt he sowed in her mind.

And this is how I came to understand the greatest lesson women must learn in breakups: All we have to do is believe in ourselves. It’s the easiest — and hardest — thing to accomplish.

I don’t know what the future holds, or if I will ever feel comfortable dating again, but I do know that I will believe in myself above all else. I will never let someone else erode my trust in myself.

© Y.L. Wolfe 2023

Y.L. Wolfe is a gender-curious, solosexual, perimenopausal, childless crone-in-training, exploring these experiences through writing, photography, and art. You can find more of her work at yaelwolfe.com. If you love her writing, leave her a tip over at Ko-fi.

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