The Greatest Expedition of Them All: Leaving the House

No sudden movements or I’m going back in

Is it just me, or is it SUPER hard to leave the house now?

I think — hope — that other people can relate, and that it’s not just time to admit myself to the mental ward. (Again!?)

There’s just something about being cooped up in the same place for two years that makes it oh-so-difficult to venture out into the great beyond.

By that, I mean going outside the front door.

Now I suppose this all sounds like something an introvert would say.

Well, if I wasn’t one before, I am now.

I can’t shake the feeling that many of you out there can relate to what I’m saying, which basically translates to this:

That the world has changed, like it or not, and that staying at home is now our default programming.

Why is this happening? What does this mean for our grandkids?

It’s the beginning of 2022. Let’s have a heart-to-heart about this strange new reality that we find ourselves in.

It’s not the Black Plague, but almost

Photo by Volodymyr Hryshchenko on Unsplash

First thing’s first. We have a global pandemic on our hands.

And whatever your views are on that, I think we can all agree that the media has done a pretty good job of scaring us to death.

Spend more than three seconds with a TV on, and you’re bound to go about the rest of your day fretting away silently…

There’s an invisible killer, you say? It could infect me anywhere, at any time? Yikes. Well, I’m young, I must be immune, right? Oh, that’s not the case? Our hospitals are totally full, you say? How many million people died again?

Now replay this over and over for months at a time. It’s no surprise that it can be a little scary at times going out to public places, like the grocery store, gym, or movie theater.

What used to be fun, like casual trips to secondhand stores, or grabbing an ice cream cone by the beach, takes a lot more effort now. It’s not impossible to enjoy — but, mask or not, the stakes are definitely raised.

Hopefully we get over this whole thing soon, but in the meantime, I’ll be inside.

Blame Jeff Bezos

Have you seen the Netflix special with Ronnie Chieng? In a hilarious segment, Ronnie pokes fun at our world of instant gratification, calling Amazon Prime too slow.

Amazon Prime is no good. He wants Prime Now.

“When I press buy, put the item in my hand.”

— Ronnie Chieng

Jokes aside, it’s gotten a little too easy to just click a couple buttons online, type in a few credit card numbers, and have a replica elephant tusk delivered to your doorstep within 24 hours.

I mean, our cavemen ancestors actually had to hunt and gather to survive. If they wanted wooly mammoth for breakfast (who wouldn’t?!), they had to:

Go find Jimba, Urgee, and Bonbon (difficult without cell phones)
Convince these distinguished gentlemen to come along for the journey (not so easy without some form of bribery currency)
Actually take down the 6 ton furry beast using a few sharpened sticks and stones (and good luck with that, might I add)

And the best part of all? No refunds if you couldn’t find a wooly mammoth or if the one you did find tasted weird.

No pain, no gain. I get it.

Now here’s a little modern day anecdote of my own. For comparison purposes of course.

It’s been an icy couple days, and I ran out of salt for the sidewalk. It was a slippery mess and an accident waiting to happen.

My first thought was, “Ugh…better go to Home Depot or I’ll get sued.”

Then I realized I better check online first and see if they even had any salt in-store, so I didn’t waste my time on a pointless journey.

One thing led to another, there was a free shipping promotion over $49, and the next thing I knew, some poor bugger was going to have to lug 200+ pounds of dirt cheap salt right to my doorstep.

I mean, come on. All because of that free shipping.

I’m sorry, Mr. Postman, but it was literally more time, effort, and money for me to go get the salt myself.

Lest you think I’m joking about this whole thing — the following package is coming from over 500 miles away:

As you can see, it’s all about incentives.

And in today’s society, we’re simply not incentivized to go out and get stuff like we used to be.

We’re entering the metaverse

I’m still not 100% sure what the “metaverse” really means, but it’s clear that the future has arrived.

And with the pandemic going on, even the most resistant of us have begun to experience Life 2.0: a life enabled by technology, that’s been made faster, cheaper, and easier to collaborate than ever before.

Don’t like in-person meetings? Why are you even still having them? We’ve got Zoom for that.

Need to work on documents together in real-time? Google Docs has enabled that for years and years now.

Literally everything you ever worked on is in “the cloud” now.

Get used to it.

I think we can all agree, the pandemic has accelerated the future, pulling forward inevitable technology transitions by years and years.

We’ve proven we not only can work from home, but when we do, we work harder, longer, and more efficiently than ever before.

Ok, could someone remind me, why do I need to leave the house again?

So now what?

I lured you in with that line about our grandkids — what does this mean for them, anyways?

Well, I have no idea. I don’t have any. Ask someone who does.

But I do think it’s clear that there are some permanent shifts from all this time at home, both good and bad.

The good, in summary:

We can get stuff done more quickly and acquire things faster, cheaper, and easier than ever before. All from the comfort of our home. These are big benefits with lasting impacts on society, no doubt about it.

The bad, in summary:

Well, I don’t think our Facebook friend counts are accurate anymore. Might need to sign up for some online therapy instead.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go get psyched up for my next big outdoors adventure. Might throw in a few breathing exercises and jumping jacks for good measure.

Just off to walk the dog.

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