Gratitude Is Better Than Not Giving a Fuck

Caring is a superpower — thunder and lightning powerful

Much has been written about how life-changing not giving a fuck can be.

Authors like Mark Manson and Sarah Knight have written books on how this counterintuitive thought process will free you.

Knight suggests that when you stop doing (or caring about) so many things that annoy and do not bring you joy, “your spirit will be lighter, your calendar will be clearer, and your time and energy will be spent on only the things and people you enjoy.”

Zero fucks gives priority to what matters in life.

Zero Fucks or No Fucks Given Is a Lie, Though

I was on a road trip with my family when a Harley Davidson biker calmly passed us on the interstate. A faux license plate on the rear bumper read “Zero Fucks Given.”

At the time, heading for a vacation and trying to get in the off-clock mode, I thought it an appropriate sign from the universe. The problem is that the statement is just not true.

If my car had inadvertently swerved as he passed or, upon seeing the bike at a rest stop, I threatened to damage it, I’m sure I would learn that he did, indeed, give a fuck.

Zero was not the correct number. Fewer, maybe, but not zero. That is why the practice is counterintuitive and limiting in its application if not done correctly. It may free up my time, but it doesn’t expand my abilities.

The idea is that you have a limited number of… (okay, I’m switching fucks to cares. Authors use fucks to draw attention, shock, attract clicks and responses. Ah-hem, as I did in the title.)

With a limited number of or ability to care about people and things, prioritizing what we care about is the key to our mental, physical, and spiritual health. The idea also encourages us to care more about ourselves than anything else.

That is not the way to become a better person. That is not the best practice that leads to improving or becoming the wonderful person you are meant to be. It is certainly not the way to help create a better world, which would also make life easier.

I have experienced a few people who gave “zero cares.” What that meant was they were narcissistic. They exhibit an air of entitlement. This feeling of entitlement had nothing to do with their financial or social status. It simply was if what you cared about or wanted did not align with what they wanted for themselves, well, tough. “Zero cares,” zero help, zero concern, zero empathy given.

That is an excellent way to create angry people on both sides. Those giving “zero cares” and those not receiving any care.

Listen, I get it more than you know. I may be revealing too much here, but as a pastor, I must appear to care about many things that I really don’t. Anyone in the helping professions, healthcare workers, social workers, teachers, administrators, faith community leaders, or counselors, learn how to appear to care when they have zero left in their tank or, as the “zero cares” people say are annoyed by what others care about.

Funeral home directors, once you gain their trust, are darkly hilarious. It is how they survive and continue to give a care, even when they have nothing left.

It is not that I don’t feel empathy; I do. It is that it is exhausting. It’s called compassion fatigue.

As a pastor, it is expected that I would deliver well-created, inspiring, and engaging messages every week. I love doing that. It also takes a lot of energy. The congregation is expected to return some of their energy, which they often do. It is an energy swap, which is usually a fair exchange.

On most Sunday mornings, though, and throughout the week, people brought me their concerns. They brought them, many times because no one else cared about their concerns. They brought them because they were embarrassed about their concerns or didn’t have anyone else to turn to. It was my job to listen and share their concern and to care.

These were energy sappers and EGRs, meaning Extra Grace was Required. As much as I loved them, they always took and took and took, much more than they gave. It is exhausting.

“Zero cares” was not an option, nor did I want it to be.

So, how can I expand my capacity and ability to care instead of limiting it? Can I survive? What is the best way to set my priorities?

Instead of the magic of not giving a care, try the real-life-giving measure of grace and gratitude.

Grace and gratitude belong together like heaven and earth. Grace evokes gratitude like the voice of an echo. Gratitude follows grace like thunder lightning.— Karl Barth, Church Dogmatics, 4.1

Grace and gratitude are powerful; thunder and lightning powerful. They are more powerful than giving “zero cares.” They can help set priorities and expand capabilities.

Author Anne Lamott suggests there is a natural movement of gratitude from our hearts in prayer or meditation to our lives in action:

Gratitude begins in our hearts and then dovetails into behavior…. We mysteriously find ourselves willing to pick up litter in the street, or let others go first in traffic….

I heard someone, I don’t remember who, describe a moment with his mentor in a restroom. They had gone to a public restroom together that, upon entering, was a bit of a mess. Water had been sprayed on the mirror and counter, and paper towels and toilet paper were on the floor near the waste bin. Nothing too dramatic, just your typical public washroom.

After finishing their business, he watched, amazed, as his mentor took a few extra paper towels, wiped down the sink and the mirror, picked up the loose paper on the floor, and ensured everything was placed correctly in the bin. He left it better than he found it.

Why? Why would anyone give that much of a “care?” No one would know. It wasn’t his job. And, of course, the big one — eww!

Asked why he did it, the mentor answered, “It’s who I am. It’s what I do. It took about 30 seconds. The next person or persons who go in there will have a much better day. It makes me feel good.”

This is grace and gratitude at work. It is a superpower.

I have started doing this myself. He is right. It takes about 30 seconds, often less; it makes me feel good and, in a small and significant way, makes the world around me a better place.

I am less limited. I am more hopeful.

Grace and Gratitude Help Prioritize What’s Essential

Part of the “zero cares” philosophy is to “stop spending time you don’t have with people you don’t like doing things you don’t want to do.”

I don’t see the magic in that. If you are asking for permission to be selfish, then yes, go for it.

Grace and gratitude, though, open to the idea that you are a part of something much bigger. You must understand that caring about certain things and people outside yourself helps feed you what is necessary to survive and thrive. Grace and gratitude make this connection that sets your priorities without guilt or selfishness while allowing certainty to your actions that eliminate doubt.

You Act With Confidence

I am able to set priorities, spend time with those I care about, and say no with confidence because my understanding of grace and gratitude also informs me of the best choices.

You breathe in grace and gratitude, and you breathe it out, too. Once you learn how to do that, then you can bear someone who is unbearable.

Rumi said, “There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground,” and bearing the barely bearable is one of the best.

When I experience grace, I become much more grace-filled. Being more grace-filled, I am more capable of showing grace to others, to “give a care.”

When I practice gratitude, I experience more space, joy, and love. Grace and gratitude require me to let go or, at the very least, share control. I observe more opportunities to experience abundance and how the universe provides.

“Zero cares” leads to a hard heart, a lack of generosity, and all the isms, racism, sexism, and so forth. Grace and gratitude look for the cracks where light might break into the darkness and sneak past all the mental, emotional, and cultural roadblocks.

In my daily journaling practice, I give myself gentle prompts to direct me toward grace and gratitude.

I ask myself simple questions like, What did I learn today? What made me happy? What made me laugh?

I sit and ponder grace, love, and forgiveness, especially that which has been offered to me. And I receive it.

Each Day, I List Three Things for Which I Am Grateful

I always ask for guidance, open eyes, a soft and gentle heart, grace, and gratitude.

What I have discovered is that God and the universe always give a fuck about me. Like my grace and gratitude toward others, I often don’t even notice.

How can something so simple as grace and gratitude be so profound? Does letting others go first, in traffic or in line at the coffee shop, or 30 seconds to wipe down a public washroom matter? Does it matter if no one cares or notices?

It can change your whole day, which could be a way to change your entire life. It carries the possibility to change the world. If one person notices your grace and gratitude no matter how casual and that person is touched, lifted, or encouraged by your caring — in other words, slightly changed for the better — and then they do the same for someone else, how many people would be touched by your one act of grace and gratitude?

The movement of grace toward gratitude isn’t magic. It does open new and greater capacities to make a difference.