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Abstract

m=referral">Siora Photography</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure>I starved myself, I took up smoking cigarettes not to eat, I took stimulants, although I am certainly never the one to who enjoyed being awake, and I drank black coffee to keep me feeling not hungry all the time. My boyfriend would make disparaging remarks while pushing my skin together exposing cellulite on my thighs.It seemed, I only felt worthy of love if I was super skinny. I remember seeing an OB-GYN who remarked that I had gained 10 pounds from 15 years of age to 16 and that she was very concerned. But I should note I am 5’11 and I will never be petite…ever…ever.Finally, I began buying clothes that actually fit my swollen body me after two years of wearing sweats and my husband’s t-shirt. Slowly, I began to soften, literally, and physically. You see I truly believed I would not be loved if I was fat. After many years of special attention from men, I was horrified to lose that attention and simply be my size.Plus my weight was always a topic of conversation with my father and mother. “Watch the pizza.” “Your hips are widening.” and it went on and on. Guess what? I was growing!! I am a tall woman that needed some weight. Their feedback was rarely met with enthusiasm rather I whispered “Fuck you,” under my breath.RecognitionHowever, one day I was at the deli counter and this guy was extremely kind to me. I looked behind me to see if he was looking at me. And YES…it was me he was talking to. And for a mere glimpse, I saw I was worthy of kindness. I began to notice other things too. People would open the door for me

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. Others would make me laugh. And my family and my friends still truly loved me!What did that love look like to me? Initially, just smiles. But soon, people sought my advice, which created within me a sense of ease because I was willing to talk my weight with them. My ability to feel comfortable made me approachable again. I no longer hid in the Plus Size section. I wandered and chatted. I was not alone in my obesity. There were other,s too.And it can be lonely out there in “I am getting skinny again” land. And as my attitude changed, my beauty did too. I am almost positive that people still found me attractive!Soon, I found that there were far more “real” people than just skinny ones. I stood taller. I chose what I wanted at any restaurant. I tried ice cream, roast beef sandwiches with extra cheese, and even candy bars. And what I chose to ate had nothing to do with my worth.Furthermore, I possess a keen insight into the friends I know who still measure their worth by the size of their jeans. In that world, weight means everything and there is no room for wonder, imagination, laughter, or peace.TodayI weigh 253 lbs today. I lost 30 pounds during the first wave of the COVID pandemic. I cut back on carbs, simple sugars, and began clean eating. However, I still have much work to do, and self-discipline has never been my calling. But I will do it for so many other reasons than feeling pretty for others. I will do it to live a long life. I will do it for the simple reason that being overweight intensifies physical pain. I will do it when I want to and I will not do it when I do not want to. But I will not to it to be accepted any longer.</article></body>

The Glory of Being Fat

Forget Keto and essential oils!

Illumination- Personal Development

Quitting smoking after seventeen years of indulging in my nicotine fix was the catalyst for my body exploding. I gained weight: one hundred fatty, fat, yucky, piped filled pounds. First thought: PANIC. Within a year, I had the first of seven major surgeries which made my weight plummet far beyond 200lbs. And there was nothing I could do. I was immobile and I had lost the will to starve myself out of sheer boredom of being in bed all the time and tantalizing mind-numbing pain meds.

I spent the first 30 years of my life brainwashed by the Southern California lifestyle to be thin. In any food container, or drink or anything else, I memorized the calorie count along with all the nutritional value or lack thereof.

At 24, my goal in life was to be a personal trainer. I was a glorious 164 lbs, and I worked out two hours a day as well as being on my feet for hours working as a waitperson at a high volume casual fine dining restaurant.

But I never felt thin. I am the type of person where people always commented “ You look like you lost weight,” every time a person saw me. For most women, this would be taken as a compliment. However, most women also might think “so I looked fat before!”

I starved myself, I took up smoking cigarettes not to eat, I took stimulants, although I am certainly never the one to who enjoyed being awake, and I drank black coffee to keep me feeling not hungry all the time. My boyfriend would make disparaging remarks while pushing my skin together exposing cellulite on my thighs.

It seemed, I only felt worthy of love if I was super skinny. I remember seeing an OB-GYN who remarked that I had gained 10 pounds from 15 years of age to 16 and that she was very concerned. But I should note I am 5’11 and I will never be petite…ever…ever.

Finally, I began buying clothes that actually fit my swollen body me after two years of wearing sweats and my husband’s t-shirt. Slowly, I began to soften, literally, and physically. You see I truly believed I would not be loved if I was fat. After many years of special attention from men, I was horrified to lose that attention and simply be my size.

Plus my weight was always a topic of conversation with my father and mother. “Watch the pizza.” “Your hips are widening.” and it went on and on. Guess what? I was growing!! I am a tall woman that needed some weight. Their feedback was rarely met with enthusiasm rather I whispered “Fuck you,” under my breath.

Recognition

However, one day I was at the deli counter and this guy was extremely kind to me. I looked behind me to see if he was looking at me. And YES…it was me he was talking to. And for a mere glimpse, I saw I was worthy of kindness. I began to notice other things too. People would open the door for me. Others would make me laugh. And my family and my friends still truly loved me!

What did that love look like to me? Initially, just smiles. But soon, people sought my advice, which created within me a sense of ease because I was willing to talk my weight with them. My ability to feel comfortable made me approachable again. I no longer hid in the Plus Size section. I wandered and chatted. I was not alone in my obesity. There were other,s too.

And it can be lonely out there in “I am getting skinny again” land. And as my attitude changed, my beauty did too. I am almost positive that people still found me attractive!

Soon, I found that there were far more “real” people than just skinny ones. I stood taller. I chose what I wanted at any restaurant. I tried ice cream, roast beef sandwiches with extra cheese, and even candy bars. And what I chose to ate had nothing to do with my worth.

Furthermore, I possess a keen insight into the friends I know who still measure their worth by the size of their jeans. In that world, weight means everything and there is no room for wonder, imagination, laughter, or peace.

Today

I weigh 253 lbs today. I lost 30 pounds during the first wave of the COVID pandemic. I cut back on carbs, simple sugars, and began clean eating. However, I still have much work to do, and self-discipline has never been my calling. But I will do it for so many other reasons than feeling pretty for others. I will do it to live a long life. I will do it for the simple reason that being overweight intensifies physical pain. I will do it when I want to and I will not do it when I do not want to. But I will not to it to be accepted any longer.