The Funniest Man on the Planet Has the Best Life Advice Too

Billy Connolly — the wise guy behind the wise-guy

The Tea Cosy

“Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on.”

You won’t find this type of life advice in the self-help section of your local bookstore. You won’t find it anywhere other than Billy Connolly’s head.

Billy Connolly has a unique perspective on life and it is surprisingly positive.

The thought of a man putting a knitted teapot warmer on his head is enough to make you smile. Try it, and you’ll split your sides laughing.

This is the point Billy is making. It’s good to laugh. It is even better to laugh at yourself. It’s the opposite of crazy — it keeps you sane.

White Bread

“I hate brown bread — you never know when it’s toasted.”

There are people we know as the Brown Bread Brigade. Billy describes them as ‘absolute pains in the arse.’ Beige people who are happy to give you their uninvited opinion on where you are going wrong in your life.

Biting into a white bread sandwich:

“Do you know they put bleach in that and it poisons you?”

“Aye — and it’s fuckin’ delicious!”

Billy considers the difference it will make in his life. The Brown Bread Brigade might live longer than him, but by how much, two weeks?

When it comes his time to shuffle off this mortal coil, Billy pictures himself in an old people’s home, dribbling saliva onto his pyjama top.

He’ll whisper his last words to the Brown Bread Brigader in the next bed who is dribbling into his pyjama bottoms, ‘Don’t you worry — you’ve another fortnight to go!’

Billy isn’t stupid. He loved smoking, but he gave that up. He had a hoot when he was drinking, but he was smart enough to know it didn’t agree with his temperament and he hasn’t touched a drop since he was banned from a Scots theatre for dipping his willy in a G&T nearly 40 years ago.

He’s pragmatic. He savoured life’s sweet things. He fished in icy rivers, he danced naked through Trafalgar Square and he devoured a white bread sandwich.

When he got the chance, he enjoyed what the world offered.

Attitude

Billy began his working career as a welder in the shipyards of Glasgow. He remembers his fellow workers as rough, tough and sharp as a surgeon’s scalpel. Brilliant men who, he admits, were much funnier than him.

Many of those men could have made a life out of comedy. They made him laugh. They could be rude, crude, and brutally cruel, but they were always hilarious.

Billy was this long-haired, bearded hippy who couldn’t tell a joke. He never lost his working-class roots, but he had a successful life.

What made the difference?

Billy made the successful transition from stand-up performer to actor. In one film, he was playing an assassin. The director gave him instructions:

“Here’s what I want you to do. I want you to take out the first two guns, empty them shooting at the house while you are smiling and chewing on your cigar. Ba-boom-boom-boom-boom! When they’re empty, just throw them away — you don’t give a shit about them. Then take the next two, and do the same: Ba-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom! And throw the guns to hell. Now with the last two, cross your arms and grab the two and spin, and when you’ve spun all the way round, whup them out and empty them at the house, and then throw them away. Do you think you could do that?”

Billy had never handled a gun in his life. He didn’t know the first thing about them and he’d never had a turn of mind to violence. But when the director asked, ‘Do you think you could do that?’

He said:

“I was fucking born to do it.”

Having a can-do attitude toward everything in life makes it easier for everyone. People don’t have to cajole you into doing things, you just get on and do them.

If you make life easier for everyone else, you make life easier for yourself. The reverse is true for a negative attitude. It’s draining on those around you and when you are a drain, people disappear down your plughole.

Billy had a go at life. That’s how a hippy with a banjo got out of the shipyards and became a Scottish hero and international star?

Cats, Dogs, and People

“There is something sneaky about cats. Any animal that stays where it is when you move house is a little bastard.”

Billy liked dogs. He thought dogs were clever.

“When did you last see a dog stepping on human shit? I rest my case.”

Billy saw people the same way. He disliked people who were false, scheming, or disloyal. He liked people who he could trust, who loved without condition. People who had enough common sense to get by in life without stepping into its many pitfalls.

He liked people who are content. A dog will go after any bitch in heat. “Yeah, you’ll do!” He admires people who have the same attitude — people who are happy wherever they find themselves.

Feeling Lucky

In Scotland, if Billy is walking down the street and there are men down a hole digging or fixing some sewage pipes, he likes to stop and say,

“Come on, put your backs into it! No wonder this country is in the state it’s in!”

And they will burst out laughing. If you or I were to say that, we’d run the risk of getting a kick up our backsides.

Billy can get away with it because people like him. They know he is joking. They know his entire purpose in life is to bring happiness and joy to all.

He’s put in the time and effort. He has built his reputation. He’s done what it takes to gain the adoration of a nation and the admiration of the world. His life is a joy. And because he thinks like that, people reflect it back to him.

Wherever he goes, people are pleased to see him. Everyone is smiling and laughing in his presence. He brings that out in people.

He makes fun of anonymous beige people who do stupid things, but he also makes fun of himself with the same rapier-like observations. He can banter with people because he earned their respect by making their sides sore with laughter.

Religion

“Never trust a man who only has one book.”

He’s scathing of people who don’t read. When he was a boy, going to the library changed his life.

“Books are your ticket to the whole world.”

Books provide an escape tunnel. All the knowledge in the world is there. He doesn’t trust people who don’t want to learn from great minds. He has no time for people who read only one book and believe everything in it. They have no alternative views to consider, nothing else to compare.

Billy was brought up in a Catholic family. These days, he finds religion a pain in the backside. He’s an atheist, but in the same way that he finds bigotry and fanaticism distasteful, he raises an eyebrow at those who campaign against religion with too much fiery passion.

He understands many people get comfort and strength from their faith, and he respects that.

He is not afraid to make people think about their faith. He is not afraid to challenge those who only read one book and blindly believe it all, or have their own skewed interpretation.

He is heartened by young people who generally don’t seem to give a toss about religion.

Death

“You are a long time looking at the lid.”

How would you like to be remembered?

Billy would like to be remembered as a good laugh. That’ll do him.

We all get old and infirm. Billy has had to suffer his Parkinson’s disease — that’s hard. But he is no different from us, we all age, and life gets more difficult.

Billy knows the good things are still there. It’s just how we perceive them. If you love someone, age doesn’t hamper that love. He counts himself as lucky. He’s made people smile, millions of have laughed along with him. He has revelled in his creativity.

He has made his life worth living. He doesn’t want to act his age, that makes no sense to him. “You would be as well to act your street number.” He doesn’t believe in complaining or being miserable.

Take your opportunities and have a go at life. His last piece of advice:

“Always look to laugh. Nothing else will ever keep you going like laughter.”

When You’re Gone

What will you leave behind?

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!”

Billy is tolerant. He accepts people for who they are.

He finds people fascinating. He loves good company, and he sees the best in people. He’s not averse to giving people a ribbing, but he does it indirectly — unless they deserve it.

He’s comfortable in the company of the working class as he is with the rich. He will give people the time of day, as long as they don’t piss him off.

He’s happy to walk in someone else’s shoes. He believes:

“If you give people a chance, they shine.”

Final Thought

I’ve grown up with Billy. I’ve listened to him, watched him on TV and film. He is unique, funny, windswept and interesting.

Behind all of his laughter lies a decent human being. He kept his childlike appreciation of the world, a place that never ceases to amaze him.

We could all do worse than be a little more like him.

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