Humour
Fun With Headlines — Pt.1
The Game!
Welcome
You’ve found Part One of ‘Fun With Headlines’ — a series where I improvise ten headlines without intending to write any of the pieces.
Feel free to borrow elements or even steal directly from the list, no accreditation required.
And let me know in the responses aside if any of these happen to strike your fancy.
I’d love to know why!
1. Someone Needs To Tell The Termites There’s a Better Way
I know nothing about termites.
Fine, they eat wood.
Perhaps, if they understood language, there’d be something we could tell them to change their dieting habits.
Everyone likes a good win-win scenario! Maybe not everyone. But such a person needs support.
Just saying, we’ve probably tried everything except clear and direct communication.
It couldn’t be that complicated — figure out their food situation, how they communicate, and go from there!
In no time at all, we can be living in trees again!
2. Three Steps To Sparkling Blue Light Glasses
I recently bought my first pair of blue light filtering glasses, and I love them. The only issue being I stink at cleaning them.
There’s not much else to comment on here, that’s entirely where my mind was at.
Indeed.
3. The Best Place to Print Your Business Cards Is Not Where You Think!
I’m wholly unqualified to give advice on this topic.
I’ve only ever tried a couple of options from Canva, and while I have no regrets, I can’t afford to try them all out right now to see if they offer precisely what I’m looking for.
But they do present buyers with a nice set of options — totalling nine combinations between paper type and finish.
I enjoyed the process of designing the cards myself, and printed 100 cards for under 60$ CAD.
38$ —
- Deluxe paper
- Soft touch finish
- 50 cards; 3.5 × 2in
- Double Sided
16$ —
- Premium paper
- Uncoated finish
- 50 cards; 3.5 × 2in
- Double Sided
The Verdict
I prefer the thinner, more flexible deluxe paper over the cardboardy premium, and the uncoated finish over the soft touch. So, the cheaper ones for me! That is awesome.
Now, if only I knew what to do with them!
I enjoy the feeling of owning business cards, so that’s a thing.
If you or anyone else has any alternate recommendations for everyone, then we’d love to hear it!
Good times.
4. Omega 3 Fish Oils — Are You Taking Too Many?
This could be about one of two main ideas:
- Are you taking too many fish oils?
- Addressing the fish oils, are they taking too many of ______?
The first one makes the most sense for an article, and I believe you can really take too many fish oils. I’m going according to personal experience, from the time period I took a higher than normal concentration and had severe anxiety.
I’ll Google it now.
So yeah, it says dosage matters per individual.
I just want to take a moment to talk about medical sites and Google SEO (Search Engine Optimization).
Throughout my life I’ve been thrown around quite a bit by the medical system when there was nothing wrong with me, which means I’ve developed some light trust issues against their form of authority.
That, and I found a fatal flaw in their system.
It’s known, especially within their little community, that stress makes us vulnerable to illness and disease.
The average experience of getting medical help tends to be stressful.
It’s the dentist offering candy.
Anyway, search results offered by SEO are less based on objective truth, and more on popularity according to other popular sources.
Not to mention —
How Does the Google Search Algorithm Work?
Unfortunately, the short answer to this question is that, outside of Google’s inner circle, nobody really knows.
— from a SEMrush article about the Google algorithm written in… wait, what?? 2021?
A little note here on why I took several steps back from the tech world, as every year seems to mean you need to re-educate yourself entirely on everything.
SEO in 2022 has already evolved quite a bit from last year.
Although, upon further reading, it’s not that different. But it is better at letting people raise their scores to reach the first page of results. Don’t pay attention to my words.
Point being, while the top results might often be based on sources most people trust, you then have to trust “most people”.
That isn’t always wise.
You might be shocked how much false information is consumed through Hollywood material alone.
And be careful with your fish oils!
Oh yes, I forget about the second possible interpretation for the headline. Consider it clickbait targeted to fish oils.
That’s kind of funny.
5. The Solution to All Your Problems — It’s in the Subtitles
I once wrote a silly little piece out of subtitles, then filled the rest of the text with random, irrelevant content —
I was in a weird mind space at the time, and the piece wasn’t meant to make sense.
Still, it’s actually not so shallow, and presents you with some personal information about myself at that time. It’s also funnier than I remember, though not funny enough to make me laugh out loud.
In all cases, I’m sure it’s the inspiration behind this headline.
6. How to Catch Catfishes
You’re thinking, “it’s ‘Catfish’!”
That’s cool, you’re right.
So?
7. The Lord of the Things — The Stuff of Fellowships
I’m already getting tired of this exercise. And yet, I imagine this article would be deep as F*CK.
Part of me wants to get into it, make it about materialism, spiritual needs, something of the kind.
But honestly, I started searching Google for “types of materialism”, and quickly decided it’s more than I’m ready to explore now or anytime coming up soon.
I’m comfortable enough with my personal philosophies, there’s no need to get confused right before bed.
Ah, the next idea is giving me a smile.
8. Five Cool Things You Can Do With Your Kitty Litter TODAY
I was going to say this whole idea is stupid then go back to talking about Google SEO, but then thought about people like my father — ingenious creative folk who can take anything and put it to a handful of new uses according to whimsy or need.
That kind of thing is not my strongest skill. I mean, it’s a skill I kind of have. 🙄
I can to do things, okay!
It doesn’t matter.
We’re moving on.
9. My Astral Body Is Sick of My Sh*t
I love to say how “I’m gonna live for 300 years!”
And I believe it, so long as noone takes it into their own hands to stop me, or another part of me refuses to play along.
I’m sure it’ll work out great!
Maybe.
Alright, let’s finish with this thing.
10. If You Haven’t Wiped Your Shoes — Get Out
Once, is once too many.
Furthermore, if we’re really talking about any home space where I make the rules, then for the love of existence, take your shows off!
I’ll accept if you have a pair of indoor shoes, but we’d better be pretty close for you to leave them here while you’re away.
To be fair, I keep a very small circle.
If you’re invited to my place, there’s a good chance you can leave your indoor shoes here indefinitely.
And a note on the last headline itself—
Whenever I write an ‘if’ sentence, I really want to include the ‘then’ where it belongs.
I didn’t here because it looks cleaner, but I keep scrolling up to look at it and shaking my head in disapproval.
I’m over it now; maybe I just wanted to talk about it.
About the Author:
🔍 ㅤGustave Deresse Is a Truthful & Theatrical Métis-Canadian Writer, Editor, Wanderer, Cook, and Musical Artist Who Commonly Enjoys to Explore Themes as Spirituality, Logic, Philosophy, Creativity, Writing, Humour, Inspiration, Wellbeing — and the Weird.
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I appreciate you, take care.
Sincerely, — G
P.S. Sooner or later, I tend to edit my pieces. Subscribe to my stories by email for the best chance to catch my original works, wonkiness and all!!
