The Frustration Of Being A Introvert

An Introvert’s Lament

“You are who you are when nobody’s watching.” ― Stephen Fry

I want to tell you a story.

I have always been a very shy and quiet kid. In fact, even as a young woman, I swing more on the reserved introverted side.

I don’t really like to party, go drinking or clubbing. Instead, my ideal weekend is to stay at home and work on my hobbies.

Yes, I am that stereotypical introverted person.

I prefer the peace and quiet that solitude brings rather than the loud and overstimulating sounds that come from the outside world.

It's an understatement to say, I live mostly in my imagination. In there, my thoughts run wild and explore various storylines in vivid detail.

But I am also angry and frustrated.

The truth is for a long time I hated my personality. I hated being quiet. I hated talking to people because I thought they were secretly judging. Then, I hated the fact that I thought that people were judging me.

I felt trapped in this endless cycle of self-criticism and judgment.

I dreaded socializing events with strangers and acquaintances. I dreaded having to put on a smile and pretend to listen to things I had no interest in.

You may say, well why don’t you just not talk to people?

Here’s the thing. Just because you are an introvert doesn’t mean you hate people. I love people. Humans are interesting creatures with unique stories and perspectives. Talking to people is like reading an open book.

However, I want to talk to people but I feel too anxious. It’s a conflicting paradox of wanting to make more friends but also being afraid of judgment and rejection.

It's taking the risk of being criticised, rejected, looked down upon, or excluded for being yourself.

I also live in an extroverted country, Australia. People here are very loud and outgoing so I feel like I have to change myself to fit into the societal expectations. It feels like putting on a performance where you are the performer wearing a mask and acting to please the audience.

People want to talk to someone who is bubbly and humorous. Sometimes, I’m not always like that but other times I am.

I’m frustrated because when you're a quiet person, people will make assumptions about you that are not true.

“She’s probably mute”

“Why doesn’t she talk more?”

“Does she not have any thoughts or opinions?”

“Her life must be boring”

And the answer is, no to all of them.

People put you in a box and expect you to act a certain way in social situations. They expect you will have certain personality traits. However, humans are much more complex and multifaceted.

You are not just an introvert, you are many more things.

This then creates a disconnect between how people perceive you and how you perceive yourself.

The wider the gap, the more unhappy you feel because people don’t know the authentic or ‘true’ you.

When these two self-identities overlap, this enables a higher creation of your self-concept.

In psychology, it is known as the discrepancy between self-awareness and external perception.

Therefore, this discrepancy has caused a lot of confusion and conflicting thoughts. A feeling of being torn, where people around me have a certain perception of who I am but I have a different perception of myself.

It’s a desire to wanting to be seen not just as the ‘quiet person’ but as a multifaceted person with many different traits and interests. A multi-dimensional person rather than a one-dimensional person.

It’s a desire to wanting to talk to people, to express your thoughts and idea but also a fear of being ignored, rejected, excluded, or forgotten. It's a fear of other’s perceptions of you that I struggle to overcome.

Maybe it’s due to past rejections or hurts. Maybe it’s due to fear of actually being vulnerable and open. Maybe it's social anxiety. Maybe it's a mixture of past experiences, present circumstances, and future longings.

Maybe it’s something that I will overcome with time and get older. Maybe I am too self-aware of my personality flaws.

Or maybe it's because I feel too much like an old soul in a young adult’s body.

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