Suicide|A Writer’s Life
The Fourth Life Lost Too Soon
A difficult conversation with a dead woman
The fourth suicide story I’ve heard in two weeks has, along with the other three (previously resting uneasily somewhere in my subconscious), locked itself in a room in my head.
At various times of the day it kicks at the door and screams for attention. Nighttimes are worse.
It isn’t as if I knew No.4, she was merely a friend of a friend. Not to mean there was anything ‘mere’ about her; not in the way she lived, and particularly not in the way she chose to die.
I have no idea why she wants to steal so much of our attention. It may be something to do with the reason she killed herself, in which case I have no more words to offer you, or it may be the poetic poignancy of her passing.
All I heard was it is night. An end of season function for the local football club. The park where the team played, is floodlit for the ‘do’. It drops away at the edges into raggedy, scrubby bush.
Something is said. Something is done. She leaves. Ghostly gums beckon in the moon drenched night; willows weep forlorn in the nearby creek. A small blonde figure, alone and distraught, wanders in the woods. (I told you it was poetic.)
And now, tonight, I am trying to write, to make sense of so much loss.
“Tell them how I felt!” She (No.4) punches her way through my story. “I can’t,” I say, “I don’t know. And stop the noise, you’ll wake the others.” “Write how I found the perfect tree. How I used my favourite scarf.” “No. “Tell my girls I’m sorry,” she says. “No.” “Are you afraid to tell them?” She asks. “Yes.” “Write it or I will make more noise. Then you’ll have to tell all our stories.” I ask her for the hundredth time, “What happened?” “It doesn’t matter now, just say I died.” There’s a feeling when you’re being watched, studied like a bug in a jar, that keeps you to your word. “She died,” I say out loud as I type, “There, it’s done.”
No.4 has gone now, I suspect to the room in my head, peacefully back with the other three, and at least for a while, there is no more story to tell.
Editorial: If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or self-harm, we encourage you to contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1–800–273-TALK (8255). This lifeline is free and confidential. It is open 24 hours a day and provides support, information, and local resources to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress and those around them. Call for more information or visit www.suicidepreventionhotline.org.