mental health poetry | eating disorders
The Forgotten Journal
A short poem & reflections on eating disorders
Under a pile of proofs of excellence Buried beneath my hopes and dreams A pale blue journal is frozen in time
Bearing the marks of an unstable mind Words and phrases of sickening encouragement Goals and timelines to achieve perfection
Desperation and pain take over A compass pointing to an inescapable beat Nothing’s changed
The body itself has gone through a lot It adapts and persists as it wants to live The mind will always disagree
Today I accidentally found an old journal. I browsed through it with curiosity, as I honestly didn’t remember what I had used it for.
It was a “goal journal”, where I had detailed goal dates for my weight and “inspirational” quotes. I won’t go into detail about these quotes because I don’t want to trigger anyone. I can only say that they mostly had to do with inspiration to keep going despite physical hunger and mental exhaustion, in order to achieve a desirable body.
Even though I was never directly active on pro-ED boards (forums that are supportive of people with Eating Disorders — also, forums and blogs that promote eating disordered behaviors. Some forums can have both aspects), I am very well aware of all the pro-ED stuff.
What surprised me the most about finding the journal was that I couldn’t connect with that side of myself that wrote all those things. I was afraid to look at it for more than a few seconds, because I felt it would pull me back into this way of thinking.
Having an eating disorder is not something only teenagers get, and they’re not caused by the media. Of course, the media play a huge role, but they’re not the root cause. More often than not, signs of EDs show up in early childhood.
EDs are linked to trauma, attachment issues, and anxiety. They also co-exist with addictions. So, we know so far from research that both nature (genetics) and nurture (the environment one grows up in) play a role. Everything else is just what triggers the ED to manifest in a more behavioral way.
Also, EDs are not “white privilege”. I often think about research that showed the suffering immigrants with EDs go through, especially when they’re in camps. The same suffering is reported from people of low socio-economic classes. Moreover, thinking about elderly people with EDs breaks my heart.
Finally, EDs are not only about wanting to be too thin, eating too much, or eating and purging the food. There are many variations, and what happens with the food is just a symptom. The weight loss or gain are also just symptoms. The real root of EDs is in the brain, brought on primarily by genetics.
This means that EDs are not a modern thing. The earliest detailed recorded cases with clinical characteristics date back to 1689. There is also lots of historical evidence of EDs in ancient times (click here if you want to know more).
People often share their journey of eating disorder recovery. The truth is that recovery is almost always behavioral for the most part. The brain remains “disordered”. Unfortunately, there’s still no long-term cure for eating disorders. Relapse rates are rather high. The way recovery is done is not helpful either. Studies have shown what needs to change, yet nothing has changed yet.
If I could have one wish fulfilled, it would be to get this disorder out of my brain. I honestly don’t mind all the other stuff I got. But, EDs have been the most cruel thing I had to deal with. I am aware of my EDs since I was 8 years old. That’s about 24 years. It’s there 24/7. It’s exhausting.
Sometimes I feel like I got everything under control. Other times I feel that if I let go, there will be no turning back.
I hope that one day scientists will find a way to cure or at least manage better the effects of eating disorders.
Until then, I can only persevere.