The Forgiveness Phenomenon
The radical benefits of completely accepting others’ flaws
It’s easy to judge and be upset with others.
Oftentimes, we judge before we even realize we’ve made a judgment.
And some of us aren’t even aware of the fact that we view others through a lens of judgment.
But when you look at others from this place of judgment, you prevent yourself from ever getting to know them to the fullest extent.
You can’t enjoy your moments together as much as you’d like to, and you can’t connect with them emotionally as long as you are attempting to filter their personality and characteristics into what you want to see.
And trust me, I’ve had my fair share of Avigail-caused experiences that have helped me learn this truth.
Our current culture promoting “high standards” makes acceptance difficult for many.
If someone has personality flaws or consistently does something that irks me, shouldn’t I drop the friendship/relationship and move on?
Well, no.
That’s the easier option and the option that “high standards” culture would want you to choose, but it’s not the correct option in most cases.
You have to determine if the pros of having that person in your life outweigh whatever they do that irritates you.
More often than not, whoever irritates you is still worth keeping in your life.
Make a list of all the things you like about that person and all the things you dislike about that person — I will bet money that your pros list will end up being longer than the cons list.
Even though there are so many great things about every human being, we still choose to focus on the small number of bad things about each person.
Why? It certainly doesn’t help us.
Focusing on what annoys you about someone makes you interact with someone differently. You can’t think about all the ways that someone irritates you and still talk to them with a clear conscience and positive attitude.
You’ll end up projecting your anger over their perceived negative traits into every interaction you have, tainting each and every experience you have with them.
So just let it go.
All the little quirks or habits of people that irritate you, let them go.
It’s the only thing you can do if you want things to get better.
Hostility and aggressiveness don’t work and will only make both of you suffer.
Your only option is to focus on the good qualities of other people and let go of what you don’t like.
When you focus on the good, the good gets better.
You may ask, “Why should I let it go? Don’t I deserve better?”.
Of course, you deserve better.
But so do they!
And if you’re being completely honest with yourself, you’ve had your moments of unlikable behavior as well.
Every time I start to get snippy with someone who has hurt my feelings in some way or irritated me, I take a step back to ask myself if I’ve ever unintentionally hurt someone or done something irritating before.
Who am I to get so upset with other people for having negative moments when I have them too?
Keep in mind that this doesn’t mean that you should accept horrendous treatment from people. Set boundaries and know your limits.
But for minor things such as harmless but irritating habits, occasional mistakes, or moments when someone doesn’t give you as much attention or praise as you want, this advice should be applied.
Nobody in this world is perfect. No one person can provide you with everything you need in a relationship or friendship.
Stop looking at others as your end-all-be-all solution to everything.
If we’re being honest, we tend to put such unrealistic expectations on other people. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve done it many times.
But when we put such high standards on other people, expecting nothing but perfect behavior, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.
They aren’t disappointing you, you are the cause of the disappointment due to your unreasonably strict expectations.
If you loosen your expectations of others, accepting and appreciating them for who they are and what they do for you at the moment instead of constantly wanting more from them, that’s when the magic happens.
When you stop expecting things from others, you allow yourself to be positively surprised by them!
To do this, you must understand that people don’t come into your life to make you happy, validate you, make you feel loved, or make life entertaining.
Stop expecting that from others.
You are responsible for making yourself happy, validated, loved, and entertained first. Other people have absolutely no obligation to do that for you. None at all.
People enter this Earth alone and leave this Earth alone for a reason.
If you needed other people to live, you wouldn’t be born and die alone.
Fill your own cup of happiness, validation, and love first, and when you do, you’ll no longer need others to provide you with those things.
You’ll stop craving validation and perfect behavior from friends, family, and other loved ones, allowing you to truly accept and appreciate your relationships with those people as they are.
You’d be surprised at how accepting others will improve the quality of your connections with them.
Don’t hold your relationships back anymore, and stop preventing yourself from enjoying your time with the people in your life.
Forgive, humble yourself, accept, and appreciate.
So, to sum it all up:
- Getting irritated by other people’s behavior and focusing on their flaws will prevent you from ever enjoying your time together as much as you could, diluting the overall quality of your relationship.
- Just because someone has flaws doesn’t mean you need to drop them, despite what our “high standards” culture may make you think.
- Think about the fact that you have flaws and have bad moments as well before you judge others.
- Set boundaries and know your limits —this article doesn’t mean that you have to accept majorly problematic or hurtful treatment from others.
- No one is perfect and no one can provide you with all the happiness, validation, love, and entertainment you need.
- You have to fill your own cup of happiness, validation, and love first and stop expecting others to fill it up for you.
- When you loosen your expectations of others and appreciate them as they are, the quality of your relationships will strengthen and you will enjoy your time together more.
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