The five things a narcissist doesn’t want you to know about…
A narcissist’s life is built on deception and maintaining secrecy. Knowing who they are and more importantly – knowing who YOU are, is the key to your freedom.
No. 1 Your inner power
A narcissist gets their ‘strength’ from your cooperation with them and continual submission to their unreasonable demands. They are afraid that you will find the confidence and assertiveness to eventually stand up to them – and they can’t have this. Keeping you locked into the trauma bond and dependent on them for what you need is their goal. Healing the trauma you have within which attracted the narcissist into your life is the key to your escape.
No.2 The fact that they are a false self with nothing of value to offer you
Narcissists know who and what they are, even if they never admit it. They wear many masks in their daily lives and it changes depending on who they need to be at any given moment. They sense their inner defectiveness and it makes them feel insecure about their place in the world and how people perceive them. When you discover this truth about them, the game is over and they must prevent you from seeing this at all costs. Their facade is built on a lie and it’s all that’s preventing you from walking away.
The narcissist is a master of disguise and they are great at pretending to be something they’re not. This why it’s hard to convince people who only know the charming, superficial exterior that they are in fact, abusing you. One version of who they are does not align easily with the other. People cannot reconcile the two different versions of this person in their mind so it becomes easier to not believe the victim when they are actually telling the truth.
No.3 The fact that you are a lovable and worthwhile human being
They want you to feel small, useless, and responsible for all the things that went wrong in your relationship together. The more they can gaslight and convince you that you are the one at fault, the better it will be for them. They must be faultless and perfect and the more they blame you for their shortcomings (and persuade you to believe you are accountable), the more control they can exert over you emotionally.
No.4 The truth about their financial situation
You may have a joint bank account and it may seem like the household finances are in order but for them to live a secret life (having other lovers, booking exotic trips away, etc.) then having other accounts and credit cards will be a must because they will not want you to know what it is they are getting up to or where they are really going. If you never seem to have enough money at the end of the month, yet you are working around the clock to make money, it could mean that the money is haemorrhaging elsewhere.
No.5 That they want to control and micromanage everything you do
This isn’t about loving you – it’s about controlling you. Love doesn’t come into the narcissistic abuse formula. The more you walk on eggshells around them and feel you need to constantly please them in order to keep them happy, the happier they will be with your efforts. YOU must be the one to conform at all times and if you don’t, you are a threat to them and the life they want to live behind your back. Having you coerced to do their bidding 24/7 is their goal.
They may say the words:
“I love you” but it means nothing.
All it means is:
“I love the fact that I can manipulate and control you to do what I want and you don’t complain.”
Emotional abuse is subtle, periodic and insidious. Even the slow drip of a tap, overflows a cup eventually. Just because it doesn’t happen all the time doesn’t mean it isn’t having a detrimental affect on you.
“They aren’t like that all the time…sometimes they can be so sweet and kind.”
The above statement is one I have heard victims of narcissists say time and time again. The fact that they are being nice and charming does not mean they have changed in the slightest – it simply means they are manipulating you with sweet and grand gestures to ‘win you over’ so when they want to do something, you will have no objection. A narcissist does not abuse their victim all the time. It is interjected with these gestures to make you believe that ‘it’s all OK really’ when it’s anything but.
In conclusion, knowing how a narcissist operates is important but it’s healing your life in a way that empowers you enough to walk away and never look back that will save you. The bottom line is – you have to be your own rescuer and as depressing as that may sound, it is actually the only way to break free from abuse and to start being the love that you wish to find.