This is a rant.
The Five or So Most/Least Popular Groups You Can Belong to During the Apocalypse
You just need the right attitude
Okay, let’s keep this simple. I know this is a bit of a rant. But, we all know someone who fits one of these categories to some degree or other. It may even be you. If you only mildly fit into one of these categories, then this article is not about you. It is about the extremists. The people I have to either listen to or hear about ALL DAMN DAY LONG!
Here are the five top groups of people that have emerged during this pandemic.
Religious Zealots
I didn’t realize how any “prophets” were out there. Seriously! I can’t tell you how many people told me, after the fact, that God told them this was coming. These people sit there with a smug smile on their faces, and say things like, “I’m not worried. God has my back.” Or, “If you believe, you’ll be fine.” Or, “I don’t need a mask. I won’t get sick because I believe.” Or, “It’s too late for you. If you didn’t believe before, God won’t raise you up.”
Heck, man. Come to me tomorrow, and I’ll tell you today’s winning lottery number!
Holy roller, man! I get it! You believe in God, knew this was coming, are prepared to die and go to heaven, AND YOU DIDN’T TELL PRESIDENT TRUMP (not that it would have mattered, apparently)! Listen, I believe in your right to believe, but I cannot HEAR this shit every damn day! I’m constipated and irritable. Stop!
And if you don’t glove and mask up, I’m gonna kick the doggie doo-doo out your tiny hiney, and lock your holy roller butt in the confessional closet til this man-made pandemic is over, Rover! (Guess how many people I just offended?)
Preppers
Yeah, these guys. Were they the smart ones? I read prepper books all the time. I once almost bought some acres in the Midwest of America so I could build my Apocalypse Retreat. I watched episodes of Doomsday Preppers, but it was a little weird, even for me. And, even though I never attended any, there are prepper conventions all over. Prepping for “Doomsday” seems to be the thing, and, if I’m honest with myself, maybe they know something we don’t. Jus’ sayin’.
1st Story: A co-worker told me he has been prepping for years. He is a gun enthusiast, has plenty of guns and ammo. He also has 10 years worth of freeze dried camping food with a shelf life of 25 years that he eats on occasion to rotate the older stuff out and bring new stuff in.
I enjoy testing him with things like, “Okay. You have to flee to the mountains. . .” He interrupts, “What mountains, how am I going to get there, I don’t want to leave. Why do I have to flee?” Me: “Just wait! This is a scenario. Pretend you believe this is necessary, okay? Now, you can only take two long guns and two pistols. What would you take?” Then I get to hear his thought processes out loud as he describes the benefits of each gun he has until he narrows it down. It takes up most of the day, then I can go home.
I admit, I enjoy the talks. And, um, much to the chagrin of my wife, I did order a 6 month supply of prepper food on his advice, for which I am still waiting to be delivered. I am not sure that was the best $1500 I have ever spent, but we’ll see. If not this apocalypse, then maybe the next one if it happens in the next 25 years. I can tell you this, too: I ain’t splitting that food in the divorce. She can have the kids, I’ll take the survival food!
2nd Story: The other day I stopped at the grocery store on the way home from work. I was armed, but it was concealed. While I am loading my groceries in the trunk, this big ol’ truck pulls in and takes up three parking spaces. I guess he wanted to be able to escape if Zombies showed up, I don’t know.
Anywho, it was clear from the vibrations in my colon shaking the constipation loose that the truck’s engine was super souped up. That, and the fact all the car alarms in the parking lot went off.
I looked over to see what the semi(or so I thought, at first) was delivering to see if I needed to go back in, and that’s when I saw this Monster lifted truck that looked like it came straight out of Mad Max 27.
The dude driving gets out and I swear to gosh he looked like he just stepped out of one of those alligator hunting shows! The guy has a full on mullet, he’s wearing a vest made out of some type of animal fur, mirrored aviator sunglasses(it as night time) and cargo type pants with lots of pockets filled with who knows what? I was thinking, this guy HAS to be movie character Joe Dirt’s big brother.
I, of course, being who I am, immediately wondered what this guy was up to. As he passed me, I kept watching him, never turning my back. That’s when I noticed the 10 inch hunting knife hanging from his belt, in plain view. It was hanging off his belt in a what looked like a homemade leather sheath with inlaid pearls and dangles of leather strips. That’s pretty, I thought. . .I meant the knife sheath.
Other shoppers were obviously scared because they moved to the other side of the parking aisle or stopped to let him pass a safe distance away. I’m sure he wasn’t up to no-good, but I am also sure he enjoyed the impact he made on others. You could see his strut become cockier. In my mind, I started singing Right Said Fred in rhythm to his strut,
I‘m a model you know what I mean And I do my little turn on the catwalk Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah I do my little turn on the catwalk
C’mon, sing it with me! You know you want too!
Hoarders: Not much explanation needed here. These are the ones who, in the middle of the crisis grabbed everything they could (every man/woman for themselves), then kept going back for more.
Yeah, like you, I wanted to grab ‘em and shake ’em and yell, “The supply chain is good! Settle down! Now, give me some damn toilet paper!” But I didn’t. Why? Well, 1) I probably would have hurt myself(I need another hernia like I need. . .well, another hernia), 2) She probably would have kicked my ass, 3) I probably would have been arrested, 4) I know she would have kicked my ass, and 5) It was my wife, who ordered two giant boxes from Costco that had about 200 rolls of toilet paper combined, and she would have kicked my ass. By the way, those two boxes are still in HER storage unit and our city is just about on lock down. “Then what, Sherlock,” I almost, but didn’t, say to her. I didn’t want my ass kicked.
I will add, however, I saw a side of my wife I didn’t know existed. She ordered the two giant boxes of toilet paper from Costco and mucho paper towels before it became clear to many of us how serious this was. She also made her own wipes and masks, anti-bacterial gel, and anti-bacterial wipes.
I know one thing, if she starts making her own crossbows and arrows, I’m running as fast and as far as this Dad-Bod will carry me. . .then I am going to open the front door and crawl farther.
Morons
Yeah, you know who these people are. They’re the ones partying at spring break, having Corona parties, preachers telling their congregations God wants them to come to church and shake hands. . .they’re also the idiots who don’t take precautions because “I’d rather get infected and get it over with. That way I’m immune and can go on with my life.”
Or the people coughing on other people to scare them and get a laugh.
Or the teens coughing in the faces of the elderly.
Honestly, I think Darwinism is too slow. Let’s help Darwin weed these dumb-ass people out of humanity by letting them infect themselves, then isolating them with each other with only half the medical supplies they need, and let them fight over them.
Oh, and can we add Bill “The Ass-Hat” O’Reilly and his Ass-Hat buddy Sean “Head So Far Up Trump’s Ass He Can See Trump’s Tonsils” Hannity to the mix. That stupid clown just said to Hannity that the people who died were on their last legs anyway.
Hey, Moron O’Reilly, you’re 71. Have you looked in the mirror lately? You don’t look so good yourself.
Morons!
PollyAnnas
Okay! These people are the toughest. Sunshine and roses! Hey, I’m glad you have a great attitude and you have confidence that it’s all gonna be all right. So do I.
But please stop dancing around your apartment, or my office, and telling me how blue the sky is, how clear the water is, how quiet it is, how the birds are singing, how great it is there is no traffic, how you hike and bike every day, and you wish, except for the poor people dying, everything could stay like this! Yeah, I get it. Me, too.
Dude, get back on your meds. I’m on mine, you stay on yours!
Seriously, those people can help bring up our spirits some days. But not every damn day! Let me be depressed for a while, k? I want to whine a little about how I have to work, while others stay home.
But, of course, I remember how badly this is affecting most people who can’t afford to stay home. Then I stop feeling sorry for myself, and dance with the Pollyannas to Right Said Fred’s Greatest Hit.
More
They’re are other groups that bother me, and I am am sure you have your own groups as well.
One example is the Celebrity/Social Media Influencers who think they are important enough to keep us informed of the funny faces they’re making, or the toilets they’re licking.
Another, is Arnold chillin’ in his hot tub and smoking a big ol’ “see-gar”, telling us from his mansion we need to stay at home. Okay, good intentions but, seriously?
The models who want to keep showing their breasts(okay, that one I don’t mind as much).
All in all, people generally aren’t too bad. But most days, well, I wish they would all just stay home.
My thanks to Julia E Hubbel for checking up on me when I went dark and started looking into the abyss. Also, we can all thank, or blame, Julia for giving me this story idea. I feel better now.