NON-THERAPEUTIC HUMOR
The Five Lousy Types of Therapists
For the male patient whose wife gives him an ultimatum
Let’s say your wife expects you to be a decent husband, and you’re a scoundrel. She gives you an ultimatum. “Fred,” she says, “either you see a therapist, or we’re getting a divorce.”
You think about it for a while and realize you don’t want to pay child support and alimony. Instead, you agree to try therapy, although you hate talking about your feelings and don’t see the need to change.
You believe there’s nothing wrong with coming in piss-ass drunk at 3 a.m., spending the rent money at the track, or picking up hookers on the way home from work. And besides, you don’t want to spend money on co-pays when you can use the money to bet on a good horse.
No need to worry. Plenty of lousy therapists are willing to enable your dysfunctional behaviors. Several types of therapy options can ease the inconvenience of therapy. Here is a list of the five types of god-awful therapists who will be more than happy to write your wife a letter, vouch for your improvement, or allow you to leave the session early so you can make it to the track in time for the daily trifecta.
The Overly Friendly Therapist.
This is the ideal lousy therapist. It will be more like a social hour than self-exploration. You can bring this therapist beer and pretzels and talk about sports or the latest porn flicks. This therapist crosses boundaries, shares intimate details, and lends you money if you lose at the track.
This therapist will agree with you no matter how wrong you are. He won’t try to change any of your dysfunctional ways. He’ll make you feel perfect the way you are and that it’s really your wife’s problem.
At your request, the therapist will write your wife a note stating how much you’ve changed, that you won’t gamble away the rent money, will spend more time with her, and will not pick up hookers on business trips.
The Nazi Therapist.
Initially, the Nazi Therapist will be difficult. He wants everyone in the world to be like him and manipulate you to do things his way. This therapist is harsh, rigid, and a perfectionist. He will gladly invite your wife into therapy and tell her what to do. You hope the therapist will trigger your wife’s control issues and sour her on counseling.
After a session with the Nazi Therapist, your wife will see you as a tortured victim, feel sorry for you, and forget all your misdeeds. She might even go with you to the track or one of your dive bars and watch sports with the barflies. But she will never agree to do a threesome with a hooker.
The Insane Therapist.
You will hit the jackpot when you find the Insane Therapist, a counselor who is crazier than you. This demented soul went into the field to heal himself — but it didn’t work. He’s as loony as anyone you’ve seen, including your sister-in-law. His patients continue to see him because they feel less crazy with him in the room.
You can share your dirtiest secrets with the Insane Therapist and not be judged because he probably has a more scandalous history than you, which he shares ad nauseam. It’s good to tell your wife all the inappropriate things he tells you, hoping she’ll be offended and pull you from therapy.
But if she wants you to go to a minister instead, plead to your wife that you are making good strides with the Insane Therapist, have developed a bond, and are close to having a breakthrough.
The Somnolent Helper.
The sleeping therapist is either too old or lacks energy. He keeps looking at the clock, hoping to stretch out on the sofa and nap once you leave. When you talk, he will yawn. When you cry, his eyelids grow heavy. And even if you confessed your guilt to the somnolent helper, he would probably not hear you since his hearing aid is turned off.
Ask this therapist if he wants to change spots and sit on the sofa. If he does, you are in luck. He will quickly conk out, allowing you to slip out the door before you give him your copay. And then, make a straight line to the track for the Daily Double.
The Silent Ph.D.
The Silent Ph.D. is like the Somnolent Helper but doesn’t fall asleep and is equally ineffective.
This therapist is too busy jotting down notes to pay attention to you. These notes may relate to therapy or possibly a grocery list for his mother. The silent therapist will occasionally nod but will not interrupt or judge you. So you can tell this therapist all your indiscretions without repercussions. Also, this is the perfect person if you want to bag on your wife for an hour or rant about your mother-in-law. And don’t expect the Silent Ph.D. to do anything but shake your hand and say, “We will continue this next week.”
And when your wife asks how therapy went, tell her the truth. “It felt so good to get stuff off my chest. This counseling thing isn’t so bad after all.”
It may take several tries, but if you look hard enough, you will find an incompetent therapist who will enable your dysfunctional behaviors, help you pick winning horses, and maybe even be your drinking buddy.
© 2023 Mark Tulin
Here is Mark’s tribute to the trash haulers of the world —