Free AI web copilot to create summaries, insights and extended knowledge, download it at here

Abstract

s on How to Address Your Partners’ Behavior: Avoid words like always, never, should, have to, and must. Do not psychoanalyze your partners’ behavior. Don’t talk if you are feeling hot under the collar, first thing in the morning or before sleep or after consuming alcohol (or any other substance). Don’t raise emotionally charged issues on the phone, by text or email or in the presence of a third party. I know that is a lot of don’ts, but resisting the urge to act can make all the difference in the world.3. KEEPING BOTH FEET IN THE RELATIONSHIP RINGHighly happy couples do not make dismissive comments about the relationship, notwithstanding momentary provocation. While it is natural, from time to time, to feel that a relationship is not working, staying in the ring and fighting fairly is a must. That means not saying things like: I’m sick of this relationship, or we’re just not right for each other, or if things don’t change I’m outta here. Never underestimate the destructive effect of these kinds of statements; their articulation is like dropping an atomic bomb with an incredibly long half-life.Let’s face it, not all relationships work out. Partners can fall out of sync with each other due to personal growth, changing roles, or incompatible life-style preferences. Persistent ambivalence does deserve attention and exploration, just not initially with your partner. A friend, relative, or counselor may help untangle your thoughts, feelings and concerns. Only then, with a fair degree of inner clarity, does it make sense to engage in a meaningful conversation with your partner.4. FINDING WORKABLE COMPROMISESHighly happy couples have learned how to master the unsexy art of compromise. It’s funny, while we routinely compromise in our work and social lives, it seems far more difficult to do so in intimate relationships. Figuring out how to mediate the divergent needs in a relationship are often affected by:Wanting My Partner To Feel DifferentlyGood luck! Sad to say, you cannot negotiate to make your partner feel the way you would like. Feelings rarely change in response to someone’s needs or demands. All that partners can reasonably expect is that their counterparts are open to a change in their behavior. That’s not small potatoes, believe me. Acting in a caring manner goes a long way in a relationship. The sooner partners accept that all they can change is their behavior, the easier it is to appreciate your partner’s efforts to meet you halfway. (Not so strangely, changes in behavior often lead to changes in emotions.)Perceiving My Partner’s Needs As InappropriateWhen feeling pressured to accept what are considered inappropriate needs, partners often employ a scorched-earth policy: characterizing them as unreasonable or neurotic or stemming from a fucked-up childhood. However, NO NEED YOUR PARTNER HAS CAN BE WRONG! I repeat: No need your partner has can be wrong. It may be a need you can’t or don’t want to meet, maybe even a need that repulses you, but it cannot be wrong. The existence of a n

Options

eed hurts no one. If you grok that, you will never feel threatened by a partner’s needs, thereby making you more amenable to compromise.How Do You Actually Effect CompromisesAccepting that compromises are behavioral is the secret sauce. Translating a need into something specific, concrete, maybe even measurable is key to the process. So, a desire to feel more loved — one of the most common needs — can be translated into something like wanting more affection in public, scheduled date nights, more foreplay, etc. The beauty of a behavioral compromise is that partners breathe a sigh of relief, knowing exactly what they need to do (and actually can do).4. KNOWING YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR PARTNER’S HAPPINESSHighly happy couples accept the fact that it is not their job to make their partners happy. This runs up against Western culture’s romanticized view of relationships, but works out poorly for many couples. It creates tons of pressure, which often impels partners to routinely put their significant other’s needs before their own. You may be thinking that’s absurd, that of course we can make someone happy, otherwise why bother to have relationships. But the hard truth is, we can only TRY to make our partners happy. Their happiness depends on themselves — their personalities, their dispositions, their issues.Assuming responsibility for another’s happiness generates distress when partners’ yeoman efforts inevitably fall short of the desired result. Naturally, a relationship of any depth and longevity will involve shelving our needs under certain circumstances, but if it is done on a regular basis relationships usually crumble under the weight of that self-imposed obligation.5. UNDERSTANDING THAT HONESTY IS NOT THE BEST POLICYHighly happy couples realize that spontaneity, saying anything that comes into one’s mind in the moment, cannot be the highest priority in their relationships. If couples instantaneously communicated everything they are thinking and feeling, there would probably be zero couples left on the face of the earth. Let’s look at a simple example: You wake up next to your partner, look over at her/him/they and think, how did I ever wind up with such a lousy person? Obviously, you would never ever utter that. Why? Because the first rule of couples communications has to be: WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY MUST BE RESPECTFUL AND CARING. Then and only then, may you be honest!When all is said and done, relationships continually face challenges. After all, couples come together bringing different expectations and beliefs rooted in their upbringing and culture. Yet, I have continually been impressed by the opportunities for personal growth that committed relationships present. To be fair, it’s often a slog. But such is life and the rewards can be magnificent!For a related article: <a href="https://readmedium.com/note-to-self-i-am-not-responsible-for-my-partners-happiness-87a58b3b1ba1">https://readmedium.com/note-to-self-i-am-not-responsible-for-my-partners-happiness-87a58b3b1ba1</a></article></body>

The Five Habits Of Highly Happy Couples

Even if you were lucky enough to have won the birth lottery and enjoyed supportive, engaged parents, that’s no guarantee that your intimate relationships would be easy. Unfortunately, most of what we learn comes from failure. I have had the privilege, after 25 years in private practice as a couples counselor, to see that highly happy couples have much in common in how they manage their reationships.

1. BRINGING UP DISSATISFACTION IN A TIMELY MANNER

Highly happy couples learn how to manage, not harbor, grudges and resentments, both of which are inevitable in long-term relationships. Yet, no one can dispute how tempting it can be to bring up in the heat of the moment all the stuff that has been bugging the hell out of you for a while. While perhaps satisfying in that moment, presenting a laundry list of past complaints never results in an ounce of caring coming back your way.

In order to resist unloading on your partner, you should never bring up anything negative that is over 24 hours old. If you were not aware of or assertive enough to bring something up in that time period, you lose the right to ever mention it again. Forever! Couples routinely balk at this rule, protesting that since it’s a pattern of behavior one should be able to reference the past. Well, if it’s a pattern, the crappy behavior is bound to recur, at which point you will have ample opportunity to bring it up in a timely manner.

This 24-hour rule sounds rather rigid — and, in truth, it is — but the consequences of holding stuff in for a long time is not pretty, and usally result in volcanic verbal eruptions or emotional withdrawal. People often fear that expressing dissatisfaction will make matters worse, creating more anger or out-of-control “discussions.” That’s possible, but the guaranteed consequence of shoving your dissatisfaction under the rug is far worse.

2. EXPRESSING NEEDS WITHOUT BLAMING YOUR PARTNER

Highly happy couples learn to express their needs constructively. What does that boring statement mean? It certainly doesn’t mean treating partners as frustrating objects or expecting that they should be meeting your needs. It does mean refraining from making blaming statements, which often begin with the word YOU, with phrases such as you never, you always, you are, etc.

The best way to express needs is to describe: (1) the behavior (or non-behavior) that makes you unhappy as specifically as possible; (2) the emotion that it triggers; and (3) its impact on you. For example: when you leave your underwear on the floor (behavior), it makes me feel angry (emotion), because I have to pick up after you to keep the house neat (impact). Declarations like “You’re a slob” or “I feel you’re a slob (sticking in an “I feel…” makes it no less acceptable), result in anger, withdrawal or defensiveness.

Tips on How to Address Your Partners’ Behavior: Avoid words like always, never, should, have to, and must. Do not psychoanalyze your partners’ behavior. Don’t talk if you are feeling hot under the collar, first thing in the morning or before sleep or after consuming alcohol (or any other substance). Don’t raise emotionally charged issues on the phone, by text or email or in the presence of a third party. I know that is a lot of don’ts, but resisting the urge to act can make all the difference in the world.

3. KEEPING BOTH FEET IN THE RELATIONSHIP RING

Highly happy couples do not make dismissive comments about the relationship, notwithstanding momentary provocation. While it is natural, from time to time, to feel that a relationship is not working, staying in the ring and fighting fairly is a must. That means not saying things like: I’m sick of this relationship, or we’re just not right for each other, or if things don’t change I’m outta here. Never underestimate the destructive effect of these kinds of statements; their articulation is like dropping an atomic bomb with an incredibly long half-life.

Let’s face it, not all relationships work out. Partners can fall out of sync with each other due to personal growth, changing roles, or incompatible life-style preferences. Persistent ambivalence does deserve attention and exploration, just not initially with your partner. A friend, relative, or counselor may help untangle your thoughts, feelings and concerns. Only then, with a fair degree of inner clarity, does it make sense to engage in a meaningful conversation with your partner.

4. FINDING WORKABLE COMPROMISES

Highly happy couples have learned how to master the unsexy art of compromise. It’s funny, while we routinely compromise in our work and social lives, it seems far more difficult to do so in intimate relationships. Figuring out how to mediate the divergent needs in a relationship are often affected by:

Wanting My Partner To Feel Differently

Good luck! Sad to say, you cannot negotiate to make your partner feel the way you would like. Feelings rarely change in response to someone’s needs or demands. All that partners can reasonably expect is that their counterparts are open to a change in their behavior. That’s not small potatoes, believe me. Acting in a caring manner goes a long way in a relationship. The sooner partners accept that all they can change is their behavior, the easier it is to appreciate your partner’s efforts to meet you halfway. (Not so strangely, changes in behavior often lead to changes in emotions.)

Perceiving My Partner’s Needs As Inappropriate

When feeling pressured to accept what are considered inappropriate needs, partners often employ a scorched-earth policy: characterizing them as unreasonable or neurotic or stemming from a fucked-up childhood. However, NO NEED YOUR PARTNER HAS CAN BE WRONG! I repeat: No need your partner has can be wrong. It may be a need you can’t or don’t want to meet, maybe even a need that repulses you, but it cannot be wrong. The existence of a need hurts no one. If you grok that, you will never feel threatened by a partner’s needs, thereby making you more amenable to compromise.

How Do You Actually Effect Compromises

Accepting that compromises are behavioral is the secret sauce. Translating a need into something specific, concrete, maybe even measurable is key to the process. So, a desire to feel more loved — one of the most common needs — can be translated into something like wanting more affection in public, scheduled date nights, more foreplay, etc. The beauty of a behavioral compromise is that partners breathe a sigh of relief, knowing exactly what they need to do (and actually can do).

4. KNOWING YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR PARTNER’S HAPPINESS

Highly happy couples accept the fact that it is not their job to make their partners happy. This runs up against Western culture’s romanticized view of relationships, but works out poorly for many couples. It creates tons of pressure, which often impels partners to routinely put their significant other’s needs before their own. You may be thinking that’s absurd, that of course we can make someone happy, otherwise why bother to have relationships. But the hard truth is, we can only TRY to make our partners happy. Their happiness depends on themselves — their personalities, their dispositions, their issues.

Assuming responsibility for another’s happiness generates distress when partners’ yeoman efforts inevitably fall short of the desired result. Naturally, a relationship of any depth and longevity will involve shelving our needs under certain circumstances, but if it is done on a regular basis relationships usually crumble under the weight of that self-imposed obligation.

5. UNDERSTANDING THAT HONESTY IS NOT THE BEST POLICY

Highly happy couples realize that spontaneity, saying anything that comes into one’s mind in the moment, cannot be the highest priority in their relationships. If couples instantaneously communicated everything they are thinking and feeling, there would probably be zero couples left on the face of the earth. Let’s look at a simple example: You wake up next to your partner, look over at her/him/they and think, how did I ever wind up with such a lousy person? Obviously, you would never ever utter that. Why? Because the first rule of couples communications has to be: WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY MUST BE RESPECTFUL AND CARING. Then and only then, may you be honest!

When all is said and done, relationships continually face challenges. After all, couples come together bringing different expectations and beliefs rooted in their upbringing and culture. Yet, I have continually been impressed by the opportunities for personal growth that committed relationships present. To be fair, it’s often a slog. But such is life and the rewards can be magnificent!