avatarAda LLoyd

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The First Pillar of Success is All About Your Relationship with Yourself — Your Character Defines You

Stop 3 Monumental Mistakes You Make About Your Identity

The Details of Your Life and Who You Actually Are are Two Totally and Completely Different Things

Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash

Think about the last time you were asked to tell someone about yourself. Odds are you spoke about what your life looks like not who you are. It is equally likely that when you asked someone else the same question that they responded in a similar way.

This is not bad. This is what we expect to hear when this question is asked. Here is the significant question however, is that how you define your identity to yourself?

When we talk about our jobs, our families, our culture, our hobbies, our politics and more we are talking about what our lives look like. When we talk about the attributes of character that we value we are talking about who we are.

It is safer, more comfortable and often more appropriate to talk to others about what our lives look like but what about when we are talking to ourselves?

Focusing on what our lives look like rather than who we are is a form of auto-pilot and is counter productive.

Mistake #1 Tying Your Identity to Your Job

This is a mistake on so many levels. Lets consider just a few reasons why.

If your job defines you, it determines your status in your own eyes regardless of your worth. If you are a doctor society defines that as a high status job. If you work at Walmart society defines that as a low status job. So does that mean if you are a doctor you should value yourself more highly than if you work at Walmart?

This is what often happens and it is totally bogus. Our value comes from who we are, not from our job, yet so often that is not the way we perceive it. A character trait that is frequently valued is compassion. Have you ever had a physician with an atrocious bedside manner … totally lacking in compassion? I have. Have you ever seen a Walmart employee helping a disabled customer with kindness and patience? I have. They exhibited great compassion.

Does your job define you or does your compassion define you?

When you job defines you, what happens when it goes away? It may be the result of a layoff, retirement, the company closing its doors, being fired or simply the choice to walk away for whatever reason (moving, becoming a stay at home parent, a career change, your sanity or…). If your self perception is based on your job and it goes away, are you suddenly without value?

Life changes are most productive when accompanied by the courage to step into the unknown. Courage is a highly valued attribute of character. How would circumstances be different if instead of feeling like you have no value, having lost your job, you were to see yourself as courageous and embarking on a new adventure. It would have the potential to move you from depression to exhilaration.

Does the loss of your job define you or does your courage define you?

When your job defines you does it take priority over your family, your health, your faith, your friendships and everything else in your life? This has become an ever increasing issue due to technology. Just because technology has the capacity to connect us 24/7 does that mean we should be available to who ever wants our attention and any given hour of the day or night?

Conventional boundaries around “working hours” have all but disappeared. Are you willing to allow the world to set your boundaries (24/7 availability) or are you going to set your boundaries? Potentially your boundaries could cost you a job or a client but do you have so little respect for yourself that you are willing to surrender everything that makes life worth living to someone else’s expectations?

That is your vulnerability when you allow your job to define you.

Mistake #2 Tying Your Identity to Your Family

How often have you been introduced to someone as Madeline’s daughter, Jason’s wife, or Abigail’s mother. Those things may all be true and they are designed to help you connect with someone who knows Madeline, Jason or Abigail.

While that helps them make a connection it devalues you as an individual. Consider the difference between being introduced as Madeline’s daughter Janis as oppose to being introduce as Janis Fletcher. Janis is Madeline’s daughter.

If the first example you are an appendage attached to your mother. In the second example you are a unique individual who happens to be Madeline’s daughter which provides a connection for the person you are being introduced to.

When the relationship takes precedence over the individual it devalues the individual. It says your value lies in your connection to Madeline, Jason or Abigail. Your value lies exclusively in you. Relationships matter but only to the extent of providing context.

When someone else is introducing you they are making the choice about how they do that. What about when you are introducing yourself. Which establishes your identity … I am Jason’s wife Janis … or I am Janis Fletcher. I’m married to Jason.

Those public interactions dim in comparison to how you identify yourself to yourself. If you were asked to introduce yourself would you choose to say I am Abigail’s mom or would you say I am Janis Fletcher. Abigail is my daughter.

Do you see the difference? Do your feel the difference? Even more important than how you would choose to introduce yourself is how you self identify within yourself.

Do you see yourself as Janis? After that do you then see yourself as Madeline’s daughter, Jason’s wife and Abigail’s mom. Those relationships are important and they matter but they are not who you are.

Who is Janis, separate and distinct from those relationships. This is all about respect and self respect. When you are identified by your relationship to someone else you are not being respected as an individual. Your perceived value is tied to that relationship.

When you self identify based on relationships you are kicking your self respect to the curb. You are telling yourself that your only value is based on that relationship.

What happens when Madeline dies? What happens when Jason decides to walk away from your marriage? What happens when Abigail grows up and moves across the country for her new job? You will have lost your identity because it was tied to the relationships in your life.

Don’t misunderstand. Great relationships are important and bring so much joy and value to our lives. Nevertheless they don’t replace us and our relationship with ourselves.

When we have a healthy relationship with ourselves it becomes the foundation on which all other relationships can be built in healthy and mutually supportive ways.

It starts with knowing who you are. That give you the opportunity the be that beacon shining in the dark to attract people to you who will enrich your life.

Mistake #3 Tying Your Identity to Your Culture

This can be a really sensitive subject. For most of us, we tend to be most comfortable around people who are like us. It may be a matter of race, religion, language, educational level, professional community or other distinguishing characteristic.

Yes sometimes this is the result of prejudice but more often it is a matter of commonality that makes us comfortable. I grew up in NYC. At that time we had Little Italy, Chinatown, Hassidic communities, Puerto Rician communities and more. These communities grew up naturally as recent immigrants gravitated to communities where previous immigrants had settled.

They were comfortable there because they could communicate in their native language. There were markets there where they could buy foods from their homeland. They could practice their faith in a church reminiscent of the ones they had worshipped in prior to emigrating to the US.

As children grew to adulthood, sometimes they stayed in the somewhat isolated bubble of their ethnic community. Others chose to spread their wings and explore the larger world outside of that cultural bubble. But as they left, new immigrants arrived and found safety and comfort in a community of people with whom they shared a heritage.

These examples are pretty clear cut but let’s look at others that are not so clear cut. Ever since the first pilgrims landed religion has played a significant role in the creation of communities. Sometimes these are very structured communities … think of the Amish communities. Their life style make them easy to identify and to a large extent they live in Amish communities to facilitate their unique lifestyle.

Other times people choose to live in a multicultural community yet their primary interactions are with people of their faith that wordship together.

It is not uncommon for professionals to be drawn to people in the same or complimentary professions. We see this with police, fire and first responders. Their world is one that most of us don’t understand because of the nature of job stress they experience on a daily basis. They are more comfortable socializing with those who understand that daily stress that they experience, because they too share that experience.

As we identify ourselves or one another in any of these ways we create divisions and make presuppositions about people with a different “name tag”. It doesn’t matter how we divide and label ourselves and consequently the identity that goes with that “name tag” we are creating a community about that tag and identifying with it rather than with with who we are.

This is a well documented challenge in the US but it is by no means unique to the US. India has castes. Similarly in many countries there are boundaries that determine or limit your future. These limitations are determined at birth depending on the position of your parents.

Culture should never be allowed to create your identity or the identity of anyone else.

So, How Do You Determine Your True Identity?

Your character is who you truly are. It represents your chosen identity.

Les Brown said “You don’t get in life what you want, you get what you are.”

Are you honest or underhanded in your dealing with others?

Are you kind or are you rude?

Are you compassionate or are you selfish?

Are you generous or are you miserly?

Are you courageous or are you fearful?

Are you patient or are you impatient?

So who are you? Be honest. It is ok to admit that you are impatient but you are striving to become more patient because that is who you want to be.

Truly knowing yourself is knowing what traits of character matter to you. Then comes a personal inventory. Which do you have? Which do you need to jettison and move on from? Which are you working to acquire?

This is how you know who you are and who you are becoming.

Are you ready to learn more about who you are, where you want to go and who you want to become? If so it’s time for us to talk. Reach out to me at [email protected]

Success
Relationships
Self Improvement
Clarity
Self-awareness
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