Omissions from the Holy Bible

The First Erection

This is even better than the keys to the Buick

I was always curious about religion and God. Our family was more of a holiday Lutheran. We went to church for marriages, deaths, and special holidays, primarily Easter.

My mom loved dressing us kids up for Easter as if it was a competition. She would dress me in a suit with a regular tie one year and switch to a bow tie the next year.

I hated the ordeal. It seemed phony to me. The sermons lasted forever. I was sure the Earth was made faster.

Once my dad and I were chatting about religion — what was true and what should I believe. My father was an open-minded thinker and told me I should decide for myself.

He said religious books like the Holy Bible, Hebrew Torah, and many others were filled with great teachings, and none were absolute. “Peruse through as many as you can,” he said, “and see what you think hits home.”

Seemed like solid advice. I grabbed the only book in our house, which could be found on my mother’s side of the bed, the Holy Bible.

As I began Genesis, I was captivated. It began with a big fat void. Then God created the Heavens and the Earth, then, all at once God said let there be light, and Boom! — There was Light! Definitely, this was a page-turner for me.

As I moved along to the Garden of Eden, a couple of things seemed to be out of whack. One thing in particular, the First Erection!

This seemed pretty monumental to me — I know mine was!

There had to be a point when Adam’s manhood arose, surprising the young couple. But how did it play out?

Here’s how I imagine it. God created man in his own image. After which, Adam was standing alone on the beach with nothing to do but complain saying, “Dad, I have nothing to do.”

God decided to provide Adam with a mate to share his wonderful life. Adam would be busy with a new friend and God could get back to work.

God said, “Give me one of your ribs!”

Adam jumped up and down saying, “Oh boy! We’re going to have a barbecue! I’ll get the frisbee!”

God said, “No you idiot, we’re not having a barbecue! Just give me a rib!” Dad’s patience was wearing thin.

Adam forked over a rib, one of the smaller ones of course. In a flash, Adam’s rib turned into a beautiful woman.

God says to Adam, “Son, I would like to introduce you to your new mate Eve. Eve this is Adam your new mate. Both just stared at each other not sure what to think, do, or say.

God said to the couple, “I want you to just gaze upon one another for a while.” Adam started looking at Eve. How beautiful she was. Her hair was gorgeous. Her lips were voluptuous. Her eyes were intoxicating.

Then as Adam’s eyes traveled down her body and saw her incredible-looking breasts, he shouted out “Damn! I want a pair of those puppies!” God shook his head and told his doofus of a son to just keep looking.

Adam’s eyes traveled southward, across her mound of Venus. Somewhat confused, he whispered to God, “Dad, I think you forgot something.”

God shook his head again and politely asked his boy to just keep looking.

All at once Adam began to feel a rumbling in his loins. The first erection was making its way into the world. Adam watching his manhood expand, yelled out, “Stand back Evie, we don’t know how big this thing is going to get.”

Both watched as it grew to its apex. Eve was impressed. She had never seen anything like it.

Lovingly, Evie reached out to caress the impressive member. Adam jumped back, slapped Eve’s hand away, and said, “Hey! God gave it to me! I get to play with it first!”

Adam began whacking away with vigor and joy. At first, he simply stood in one place as he gave it the old one-two. Then creativity began to take hold.

He whacked it lying on his side, then leaning up against a rock, then standing with one leg in a bent position behind his back, and finally doing summersaults along the beach.

Eve had her arms crossed as she stared at this dipstick God had saddled her with. She then tapped her foot, staring back at God until he yelled out to his jackoff of a son, “Adam! That’s enough! It’s Eve’s turn to play with it.”

Eve thanked God for stepping in so she could get her hands on it. Adam came over to Eve and said, “Okay! You can play with it for a couple of minutes but then you have to give it right back.” Eve said, “Whatever!”

Wetting her lips again and gazing into Adam’s eyes, Eve grabbed the shiny new toy and yanked Adam clean off his feet.

Adam screamed like a girl while slapping Eve’s hand away from his new gift.

Later, God told Eve to meet him on the other side of the garden. There, he apologized for Adam’s actions and promised her he would fix things.

He told Eve to get an apple from the Tree of Knowledge. Eve said, “You told us not to pick any apples!” With a hand gesture, God sent Eve on her way.

When she returned God told her “Don’t let Adam know about our secret.” “Secret? What secret?” Eve questioned God. “This is actually the Tree of Multiple Orgasms,” God said.

Eve asked, “What are multiple orgasms? God yelled out, “Snake, get your tail over here. Show Evie what a good time should really feel like.”

Peace, Love, and Unconditional Happiness!