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Abstract

s through your body every time you have an argument with a spouse you’re separating/separated from, or get frustrated with your treatment team who just aren’t getting it, or the cortisol that goes up and up from the anticipation and fear of the next surgery, court date or facing an abuser or whatever it is in your life.Think about the last time you had a near miss in your car. You get a sudden surge of adrenaline that clears the way for some spectacularly fast decision making and action that helps you avoid collision. For a minute or two, you’re likely to feel elated, thinking, ‘hey, you missed me. I rock. I could drive for Ferrari.’ You could almost conquer the world.However, what goes up must also come down and your body quickly seeks to equalise things by giving you a goodly shot of noradrenaline which makes you feel super tired and your muscles, which had contracted ready to spring into action, suddenly feel somewhat floppy, like you couldn’t get out of your own way for love nor money.Now imagine that largely happening on a continuous basis for a year or two or four or ten. It’s exhausting. Your body and its bevy of protective hormones have been put through the ringer. And, although your body has tried its best to equalise each time, it gets less and less effective at it because the cortisol/adrenaline onslaught can be too much for it. You can even end up with adrenal fatigue — where when you’ve been in fight, flight or freeze for so long, there’s not a lot of adrenaline left to go around.<h2 id="c2a1">That’s when self compassion needs to kick in</h2>Self compassion can be thought of treating yourself as you might treat someone else going through the same thing. Chances are you’d not convey even a fraction of the stuff you’re saying to or thinking about yourself to someone else, let alone a good friend. Self compassion is really about stepping up and being kinder to yourself as you would be to a good friend.Though, given we’re all conditioned to do more, be more, get more, go hard or go home, etc, real self-compassion can be harder than it might first appear on the surface. It can feel selfish or self-indulgent.In my heart of hearts I knew what I needed to do. I needed to practice a better version of the fine art of self compassion. The other stuff already happening in my life was great, but it wasn’t enough. I needed to stop what I was doing and give my body the break it so desperately needed. Not just a holiday, been there, tried that, several times. What I needed was a real break of at least six to 12 months.‘Arrrghghgh! But you’ve just gotten your life back’, you might be thinking. Yep, I thought that too — usually combined with a harsh WTF. But, I knew if I didn’t do this now, it was pretty likely to end badly.</p

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I worked out a budget (much tighter than I would have liked). Then talked the decision to resign over with my husband — the whole time feeling guilty that he, who had been through much of my nightmare with me and must be more than a little tired too, would have to keep going and support me.Now you might be thinking, ‘that’s all well and good, he’s earning the bucks, what’s the harm’? Except, I’d been the breadwinner in our family. That’s not to say, he wasn’t working, he absolutely does. It’s just we’d never hardcore relied on his income before. That was a stress he’d never really experienced previously. The husband, saint that he is, took it in his stride. He said he was just glad his wife was still alive and getting her life back together. Thank you universe!My brain however, was not as kind. The thoughts of free falling without a job, without a career, without my identity of being the breadwinner terrified me.Who would I be? A lazy slacker. What on earth would I do? Nothing. Just waste time. Productivity: zero. Cue: panic.Nevertheless I resigned. I am resigned…to taking at least a year to be kind to myself. To refind myself, as in the self that was lost in the haze of the fear, pain, meds and isolation that spanned so much of that four years.It’s harder than I thought, not to race in and fill that void left by work, with, you guessed it, more work. But, I am helping my body recover through the practice of self compassion and you can too.Life is short. Find what matters. I can almost guarantee you, it’s not work.I really appreciate you reading my work. I’d love it if you clapped it too. It lets more people see it — maybe even someone who desperately needs it to get their life back.<div id="c487"><pre>Want to read lots more great articles and support my writing and thousands of amazing writers on Medium? You might want to think about subscribing. You’ll get access to every story whenever you’re wanting to read them — it’s just $5/mth — that’s probably less than a single morning coffee. Now, that’s good value. You can subscribe here.</pre></div></article></body>

The Fine Art of Self Compassion

Why it’s harder than it might seem.

Photo by Andrew Thornebrooke on Unsplash

Some four years ago, I was hit by a car as a pedestrian. It took almost all of those four years to figure out what broke as a result, then get to get through the operations and then finally get to the rehab, healing and rebuilding. Needless to say, it was brutal.

Funnily enough, I told people, I’d be back at work “next week” the day after the accident. However, it really took six months for me to even set foot in my home office properly and I never returned to my university office. It was just too close to the scene of the crime for the crippling PTSD that followed the accident.

At around the two year mark, both my body and mind finally began the healing process. I rushed headlong, well, as much as I was able, back into a big job, with lots of room for growth (which is often code for stress, long exhausting days and conversations that make you want to frequently bang your head on a desk).

All things considered, I did pretty well at it. Whilst it wasn’t a role I would have gone for prior to the accident, the psychologist referred to it as my “rehab job”, it allowed me to deliver on some good milestones — doubling new business through the door and completely rebuilding a sales process. Things I could hang my hat on. And more importantly, it made me re-engage with the world at large. Being injured for more than a couple of weeks can be a truly isolating experience.

However, the more I strived, the more tired I became. The fatigue was crippling. I told myself “I was back” and the fatigue would pass. I upped my multivitamins, sleep, meditation, good healthy food in an attempt to get through it.

I tried everything because after all, I’d spent the previous two whole years of my life trying to get to this point. I upped my meditations further often doing loving kindness meditations telling myself repeatedly I was happy, safe and at peace, which I loved doing. But, it didn’t work on the fatigue. I had my bloods checked for low iron and other markers. Nope not that either.

The body’s protection mechanisms

As it turns out, when you go through something confronting in your life that takes a long time to work through, your body takes a considerable hit. Remember all the adrenaline that courses through your body every time you have an argument with a spouse you’re separating/separated from, or get frustrated with your treatment team who just aren’t getting it, or the cortisol that goes up and up from the anticipation and fear of the next surgery, court date or facing an abuser or whatever it is in your life.

Think about the last time you had a near miss in your car. You get a sudden surge of adrenaline that clears the way for some spectacularly fast decision making and action that helps you avoid collision. For a minute or two, you’re likely to feel elated, thinking, ‘hey, you missed me. I rock. I could drive for Ferrari.’ You could almost conquer the world.

However, what goes up must also come down and your body quickly seeks to equalise things by giving you a goodly shot of noradrenaline which makes you feel super tired and your muscles, which had contracted ready to spring into action, suddenly feel somewhat floppy, like you couldn’t get out of your own way for love nor money.

Now imagine that largely happening on a continuous basis for a year or two or four or ten. It’s exhausting. Your body and its bevy of protective hormones have been put through the ringer. And, although your body has tried its best to equalise each time, it gets less and less effective at it because the cortisol/adrenaline onslaught can be too much for it. You can even end up with adrenal fatigue — where when you’ve been in fight, flight or freeze for so long, there’s not a lot of adrenaline left to go around.

That’s when self compassion needs to kick in

Self compassion can be thought of treating yourself as you might treat someone else going through the same thing. Chances are you’d not convey even a fraction of the stuff you’re saying to or thinking about yourself to someone else, let alone a good friend. Self compassion is really about stepping up and being kinder to yourself as you would be to a good friend.

Though, given we’re all conditioned to do more, be more, get more, go hard or go home, etc, real self-compassion can be harder than it might first appear on the surface. It can feel selfish or self-indulgent.

In my heart of hearts I knew what I needed to do. I needed to practice a better version of the fine art of self compassion. The other stuff already happening in my life was great, but it wasn’t enough. I needed to stop what I was doing and give my body the break it so desperately needed. Not just a holiday, been there, tried that, several times. What I needed was a real break of at least six to 12 months.

‘Arrrghghgh! But you’ve just gotten your life back’, you might be thinking. Yep, I thought that too — usually combined with a harsh WTF. But, I knew if I didn’t do this now, it was pretty likely to end badly.

I worked out a budget (much tighter than I would have liked). Then talked the decision to resign over with my husband — the whole time feeling guilty that he, who had been through much of my nightmare with me and must be more than a little tired too, would have to keep going and support me.

Now you might be thinking, ‘that’s all well and good, he’s earning the bucks, what’s the harm’? Except, I’d been the breadwinner in our family. That’s not to say, he wasn’t working, he absolutely does. It’s just we’d never hardcore relied on his income before. That was a stress he’d never really experienced previously. The husband, saint that he is, took it in his stride. He said he was just glad his wife was still alive and getting her life back together. Thank you universe!

My brain however, was not as kind. The thoughts of free falling without a job, without a career, without my identity of being the breadwinner terrified me.

Who would I be? A lazy slacker. What on earth would I do? Nothing. Just waste time. Productivity: zero. Cue: panic.

Nevertheless I resigned. I am resigned…to taking at least a year to be kind to myself. To refind myself, as in the self that was lost in the haze of the fear, pain, meds and isolation that spanned so much of that four years.

It’s harder than I thought, not to race in and fill that void left by work, with, you guessed it, more work. But, I am helping my body recover through the practice of self compassion and you can too.

Life is short. Find what matters. I can almost guarantee you, it’s not work.

I really appreciate you reading my work. I’d love it if you clapped it too. It lets more people see it — maybe even someone who desperately needs it to get their life back.

Want to read lots more great articles and support my writing and thousands of amazing writers on Medium? You might want to think about subscribing. You’ll get access to every story whenever you’re wanting to read them — it’s just $5/mth — that’s probably less than a single morning coffee. Now, that’s good value. You can subscribe here.