The Female Orgasm Really Isn't That Mysterious

Despite what you might have heard.

You might have heard it from your sister, best friend, or mother's "ladies" magazine. Plenty of people grow up with the notion that sex isn't all that pleasurable for women--partly because the female orgasm is so damn difficult to come by.

Sadly, it's not just the uninitiated who believe the miserable myths. Many grown women still look at sex as some thankless duty or obligation, which means they have no clue about how good or even simple climaxing can be.

Some people have a knee-jerk reaction to the mere idea that women are having less satisfying sex than men. When you talk about the gendered orgasm gap, they roll their eyes as if it's not really a thing. Except that, you know, it really is a thing.

Peruse any magazine with stories about sex, or visit any website with information about sex, and you'll find women lamenting that they seem to have a harder time reaching orgasm compared to their men.

According to Planned Parenthood, about one out of three women have trouble reaching orgasm when they have sex with a partner. So it's pretty damn normal, but there are real reasons for this, and it's not because the female orgasm is so mysterious.

By shrouding the female orgasm in mystery, we make it easy to be lazy about female pleasure and sexual education.

What women need

Most women do experience orgasm through clitoral stimulation instead of vaginal penetration. People who say otherwise are either misinformed or straight up lying. There are tons of sex myths that hurt women, but among the worst is the rumor that all women can (or should) climax vaginally. Because if they don't? There's the erroneous message that there's something wrong with them or they're terribly inexperienced.

When women struggle to reach orgasm, the proper answers are usually pretty straightforward. Namely? It's time to try out clitoral stimulation as part of the sexual activity. Clitoral stimulation can be tried during, before, or after your routine sexual menu. A woman's clitoris can be stimulated orally, manually, or with a sex toy.

And no, it really isn't rocket science.

What women want

If a woman has never had an orgasm at all, there can be a lot of pressure to have one with a partner. In that case, it makes a lot of sense for the woman to practice masturbation, so she can figure out what actually works for her and how she even likes to be touched.

Of course, every woman is different. Just like men have various turn-ons and different preferences during sex, women have their own individual preferences too. There's nothing wrong with that. Never let somebody shame you during sex just because your body doesn't respond the way they imagine it should.

What women have to do

The value of communication can't be overstated in sex. There's an unrealistic fantasy perpetuated by men and women alike that says the best sexual partner can read your mind in bed. Um, no. That's creepy. In reality, that's a preposterous idea since nobody can read anyone else's mind, and everybody enjoys different types of touch during sex.

It's up to each individual to be clear about what feels good, what doesn’t, and what we do (or don’t want) to do.

There's another notion that older women "reach their prime" later than men, and have a much easier time with climaxing as they mature. There's nothing physiologically different about an older woman--she's simply more likely to have a greater knowledge of her sexual preferences, and has become more comfortable about communicating with her partners.

Good sex isn't about perfection

A lot of people grow up thinking that women have a harder time reaching orgasm because we need to be (beyond) relaxed. People picture rooms filled with candles, rose petals, and tranquil music playing softly in the background. Like women are so damn fragile in their sexuality, that the mood needs to be just right. Not too hard, not too soft, etc.

Honestly, we women really aren't like Goldilocks in the bedroom. We're not looking for perfection. But we do want to be heard, and some of us need to take the time to get more comfortable with our sexual sides.

To a certain extent, comfort is key. We all need to feel comfort--not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too.

You're not weird

At the end of the day, women aren't the only ones who might have trouble getting there. Guys don’t always achieve orgasm either. Anytime an individual struggles to reach sexual pleasure, it's a good idea to examine their own emotions and ability to relax.

Sex isn't always as simple or straightforward as we might like it to be. It’s hard for anyone to enjoy sex or reach orgasm if they're feeling stressed, uncomfortable, or self-conscious. It's challenging for many people if they simply don’t feel great about whatever is going on with or about their partners.

I'm not weird

Most people carry some sort of baggage around sex. That's not their fault. It's not your fault if you don't come easily, but I know how frustrating it can be. For a long time, I used to apologize to men proactively for taking "too long." I apologized because I was embarrassed, and because I felt like they would be counting the minutes until I finally got there.

I no longer apologize to my partners as if I owe them some speedy orgasm. I no longer apologize to them as if I owe them any orgasm at all.

All we owe anyone in the bedroom is our honesty. And that certainly includes being honest with ourselves. If you're struggling to enjoy sex, don't be so hard on yourself and definitely don't tolerate anyone giving you crap about it either.

You might just need some extra one-on-one time to get to know your sexual side, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.