The Feelings of Melancholia

Depression is perhaps something that is like a phantom, it looms around you like an apparition. Life becomes slowly a never-ending state of discontent. Everything feels miserable, the taste of water even is bland. No matter, how cold or hot it might get, your feelings of sadness never seem to end.

It feels as if it just gets in the way, your anxiety keeps attacking you. You never seem to get a certain lapse of freedom from it. When dealing with loss, you can’t cry. You might take breaks but it just seems tiresome. You can’t seem to sleep even on medications. It feels as if there isn’t much in your hands.

Memories of people lost, that were once dear to you. You roam around your room, aiming to put it to rest. Trying to ground your thoughts, a feeling that you have to cast away as you ask for relief — you sigh, dear God.

You look around the house in search of someone to connect, there isn’t anyone. You remember the unrest that you felt when they left. Those the people you loved and the people you cared. This empty and depressing feeling not being able to see their happy faces.

The last time you saw the one, whom you buried was but a few weeks ago. You hear her cry in the late nights when you tend to her care. She can’t eat and she can’t sleep. You remember her, every day — every night that you stay awake.

You can’t close your eyes as the trauma you experience comes to haunt you in your dreams. You see her in pain, calling from her grave. She screams, “Let me out, where is everyone — please help.”

You write every day but it doesn’t seem to help, you consulted your doctor. He gave you some medications but they seem to work. Your headaches are back and you’re experiencing unrest. You go to take a bath, and in a moment or two you try, to perhaps cry — you can’t.

You can’t scream, you worry, when you worry you detest yourself perhaps. You are always told to man up, but how can you then release these feelings of discontent.

Surely, they jest. They tend to think you have it under control, that you can take it. But they don’t know what you have gone through, at best. You try, and try but can’t seem to test your self through this struggle, this fight you have to best with your depression and yourself.

Two aspects caught in a storm of losses and regret. You try to meditate, is there an answer out there. You search it well, and patience slowly fades. Sometimes, you writhe in agony and suspect that your symptoms might increase as you slowly being to set into a much worse state of distress.

You write and writhe as the pain slowly fades, the medications seem to work it seems you need to rest. Asleep perhaps that seems to come anew, you tell yourself it’s all right — time to take another nap.