The Fear of Knowing What We Really Want

Could you be blocking yourself from knowing what you truly want?

Maybe the problem is not that we don’t know what we want, but that we don’t allow ourselves to know. Maybe we are afraid of what knowing would mean.

I’ve often struggled with knowing my desires. I’m in my 30s, and while there has been improvement and some progress, I still lack clarity about my life’s direction. Although this is not true for all aspects of my life, in some areas I’m crystal clear, it is especially true when it comes to my career. It’s almost like there’s an obstacle preventing me from knowing what to focus my life’s work on.

But what if something is blocking me from knowing what I want? What if I have created it?

The bottom line: When we know what we desire, we eliminate excuses for not pursuing them. Therefore, we sometimes prevent ourselves from knowing because it allows us to avoid taking the necessary actions.

What It Physically Feels Like to Not Know What You Want:

For me, not knowing what I want has physical manifestations. When I think about what I want, or when someone asks me, I feel tightness in my head, like it’s stuck in a block of concrete. I also feel a heavy weight on my chest and a tightness in my throat.

Like most feelings of stuckness, when we’re unsure about what we want, it often shows up in our bodies as some physical sensation.

Why We Block Ourselves From Knowing What We Truly Want

There are many reasons why, Here are a few:

Fear of failure. If we’re afraid of failing at something, we may be less likely to even try it in the first place.

Fear of success. It may seem counterintuitive, but some people are actually afraid of success. This may be because we’re worried about the changes that success would bring to our lives, or because we’re afraid of living up to expectations.

Low self-esteem. If we don’t believe in ourselves, it’s hard to believe that we can achieve our goals. This can lead us to set our sights too low or give up on our dreams too easily.

People-pleasing. If we’re always trying to please others, it can be difficult to figure out what we want for ourselves. This is because we’re constantly putting other people’s needs and desires ahead of our own.

Past experiences. If we’ve had negative experiences in the past, it may make us hesitant to try new things or pursue our dreams. For example, if we were bullied for being different, we may be afraid to express our true selves out of fear of being rejected.

Beginning to Work With Our Fear of Knowing What We Truly Want

Understanding and acknowledging what may be blocking us from knowing our true desires is the first step toward breaking through this barrier. To begin addressing this fear, it’s essential to recognize that it’s a common human experience. Many people, like myself, grapple with uncertainty about their wants and aspirations.

Then we must become curious and explore the root causes of this fear. I’ve found that journaling to the following questions very useful:

1. Is it really really, certainly and without a doubt true that I don’t know what I want?
2. What if I know what I want, but not allowing myself to admit it?
3. Could I be afraid of letting myself know what I want?
4. What am I afraid will happen if I know what I want?

Another useful journaling exercise is shadow work free writing.

Shadowwork is a type of self-development practice that involves exploring and integrating the parts of ourselves that we deem unacceptable, undesirable, or shameful. These parts of ourselves are often referred to as the “shadow self.”

Journal from the perspective and as the different parts of you that want different things.

1. The part of you that wants to know what I want
2. The part of you that doesn’t want to know what I want
3. The part of you that is afraid of knowing what I want
4. The things are blocking me from knowing what I want

Then…

1. Find a Quiet Space: To begin, find a quiet and comfortable space where you can focus without distractions.
2. Set a Timer: Set a timer for a specific amount of time, such as 10 or 15 minutes for each part of you. This will give you a defined period to work with.
3. Free Write: Start writing without any particular topic or structure in mind but from each of the above perspectives. Let your thoughts flow onto the paper or screen without judgment or censorship. Write whatever comes to mind, even if it seems negative or uncomfortable.
4. Explore Emotions: As you write, pay attention to any strong emotions that arise. These may be related to past experiences, fears, or desires.
5. Next Perspective: After the timer goes off, move on to the next perspective. Repeat this till you’ve looked at the fear from different perspectives.
6. Reflect: Then take a moment to reflect on what you’ve written. What insights or patterns do you notice? Are there recurring themes or issues that you’ve been avoiding?

The challenge is that when we know what we want, we can’t make excuses for not achieving it. So, sometimes, we might avoid knowing because we’re scared of the responsibilities that come with it. Knowing what we want means we have to take action to make it happen. We can’t use the excuse of not knowing anymore.

For me, I had to realize that I don’t believe in myself to pursue my goals. I doubt my ability to do what I want and make it come true. I have to admit that I struggle with trusting myself when it comes to going after what I desire and turning it into reality.

I’m scared to figure out my desires because I’m worried that if I do, I’ll have to work towards them. And I’m afraid that if I try, I might not succeed because I doubt my abilities, because I don’t believe that I have what it takes to succeed.

It’s important that we are honest with ourselves so that we can begin to do the healing work required to resolve our fears.