TRANSGRESSIVE MOVIE REVIEWS

“The Family Plan” (2023) in a Nutshell

My Gift to You: I Watched ‘The Family Plan’ So You Didn’t Have To

To quote Rocky Shores (always quote the man when it involves dog turds),

Take Vegas Vacation, remove the jokes, add in lame mostly non-lethal violence, and sanitize for middle-America and you’ve got this floating piece of dog turd.

As we say goodbye to 2023 and look forward to 2024, the gods of streaming have gifted us with a virtual cornucopia of crap with the release of “The Family Plan” (2023) on Apple TV +.

It’s a festive Mark Wahlberg holiday spectacular, exemplifying why Marky Mark should be banned for life from acting. Dull. Wooden. Lacking depth and a capacity for giving pleasure. But that’s just my opinion, man.

Running a tedious 119 minutes — just one agonizing minute shy of two full, agonizing hours — this film is ideal for those nights when you’re seeking sheer noise as a backdrop. Perfectly suited for drowning out the chainsaw massacre of your most irksome foes, its unremarkable soundtrack ensures no neighbors will be lured over by the promise of fun.

It has loads of gunfire and a woman doing a handstand in a tight t-shirt on a beer keg, but it still sucks harder than a hoover. Essentially, it’s like a day-old piece of pineapple pizza face-down on your ex’s carpet, and their shit-eating cat has pissed on it. You’ll eat it if you're high and hungry enough but would be too embarrassed to tell your friends. In fact, I haven’t encountered this much shit since the porta-potties at Woodstock ‘99.

This movie could be for you if you like the Taco Bell explosive runs after a night of binge drinking Kool-Aid and grain alcohol. Here’s the trailer, and it’s as bad as the movie.

And if you enjoyed that gem, here’s the Nickelback YouTube channel for your listening pleasure.