The Face of Addiction That You Don’t See

Dead before dying

You spent the whole night awake, high as a kite, from sunset to moonrise. You close the blinds because sunrise begins to hurt your eyes. Tears fall, but these are tears of exhaustion.

You wait until everyone leaves the house before you go to the bathroom. You want to avoid conversation or getting anyone irritated.

There’s also a shame that you can’t find work, while everyone around you is getting ready to go to their jobs. As you go to the bathroom, you can barely hold your pee. Alas, finally.

You grab a toothbrush and avoid looking at yourself because you’re not trying to have a panic attack.

You have this battle with yourself every morning. You promised you would look yourself in the eye and tell that person you love them even if no one else does.

You will pull yourself out of this. But why have I grown so old? You might ask yourself. How come I look so helpless? I’m a wreck, but no one wants to help.

You get a text from someone saying, “Happy Birthday Dude.” Then you realize that you’re thirty-one years old, and you’re dead.

Not literally, but socially, you’re experiencing what life would be like without you. No one else says happy birthday. No one even says hi. You’re just all alone, who cared to text you?

It’s your dealer, surprised he remembered. Glad you got him or else you wouldn’t have anyone. He didn’t get you hooked, you met him years later. Those who got you hooked are out living their lives and making families.

Be happy for them. You just wish they would at least reach out once in a while. Even a birthday is an excuse to say hi without having to make it awkward. That’s the worst part!

The fact that they didn’t use the one time a year where they can reach out to you and say they care without having to engage any further. When they see addiction, they see a person whose selfish.

When you see addiction, you see the life leave someone’s eyes. You see rigor mortis. You know how it feels to be dead. People will forget about you. People will move on. Accept it, and move forward.

If you smoke one more bowl or take one more pill, maybe nothing will change. What if you’re already gone and your soul is in hell? Hell is having to live with the sin you loved the most for the rest of eternity. Banished from the Garden of Eden, your hell is what was your heaven on earth.

Happy Birthday, You. You managed to live another year without dying or overdosing. You are all you have. So even if you feel dead inside, just know that there’s a part of you that’s dying of thirst. No, you don’t need water, you’re not dehydrated.

You’re drowning in your addiction. Everyone is swimming. But no one will save you. They say when you drown, you stay conscious for quite some time, even if you’re actually gone. Every second of your life feels way now.

How can you make this go away?

This is insanity. How could anyone live like this? There is no way.

But there is… pass me that drug I’m addicted to. It brings me back to life. It’s artificial and lacks intelligence.

But this is all you have and all that you’ll ever know.