HUMOR
How Will You Survive “No-Name Sunday” After Thanksgiving?!?
Will you make it through? Will your credit card have an identity crisis?
When I was a lad, some Debbie Downer felt the need to pontificate that Valentine’s Day was a fake holiday created by Hallmark for the sole purpose of selling greeting cards and making money.
Thanks for that, Ms. Downer.
Same with Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. For sure Sweetest Day.
I guess Hallmark was like the pharmaceutical industry of today. Create a newly-named condition everyone might have, create fear, then manufacture the solution to that problem and market the hell out of it. Create a false need or problem first.
Ask YOUR doctor.
But I wasn’t King Cynic yet, so to me, Debbie was just a sad sack bitter cat lady deep in her delusions.
Companies don’t really do that, I thought. That’s not really a thing.
Huh. I present to you:
Black Friday — Small Business Saturday — Cyber Monday — Giving Tuesday
Oh Debbie, oh Debbie! I clutch at my heart and sink to the floor, reaching out for redemption. You were right, you were so wise, please forgive me.
How have we come to this? In plain sight across the nation, these words, these perfectly-chosen day titles have been curated for us, and now a five-year-old near you is asking about Cyber Monday.
How have I never pondered this before?
While we were looking the other way, our jargon, our lexicon was debased, appropriated, and now a bunch of brainwashed zombies sit around asking, “How was your Black Friday?” and “Who are you donating to on Giving Tuesday?” as if these weren’t ideas created only to invite sales.
Don’t get me wrong, Small Business Saturday is indeed a welcome addition to a world hell-bent on consumerism. If you’re compelled to spend, may as well be at a mom-and-pop. How kind of the consumeristic gods to throw us this crumb, to allow us to step away from the big box stores — but just for a day! Don’t get carried away now.
And isn’t it hilarious how Giving Tuesday is kind of tacked onto the end there, a fleeting afterthought, a mere suggestion for the day your credit card is on the side of the road, panting, trying to rejuvenate, just begging for a day of rest so she can catch up on her episodes of The Great British Baking Show?
But wait, here’s the big question — who was asleep at the switch about SUNDAY? How am I supposed to fill my Sunday?
Please, I can’t make my own decisions — I need you, oh Consumeristic Gods! Please direct me. Where am I to spend my money? I just had Small Business Saturday and I’m ramping up for Cyber Monday. How is it possible you expect me to get through 24 hours without a destination? What are the parameters, man?! What are the expectations, what are the actionable targets, the deliverables?!
Girl, somebody dropped the ball on this; we’ve got to remedy this shit.
- Spend-On-YOU Sunday — You deserve an expensive facial and spa day. Nothing free though; nothing free for your own self-care. No, be sure to spend that money on Spend-On-You Sunday and keep your masseuse, nail tech, or favorite luxury spa in the black.
- Book-Your-Vacation Sunday — We know you’re shopping for others for Christmas, but what about you?! This Sunday is designed for you to spend the $3,000 needed to have something to look forward to as you slug through the nasty-downer months of January and February.
- Pig-Out Sunday — It’s been three days since Thanksgiving. It's time to replenish that feed bag, baby. Pig-Out Sunday is for much-needed trips to The Cheesecake Factory with family and friends. Bring your spirit of generosity and plunk down that plastic to pay for the whole table. It’s a great way to get your strength up so you’re dialed in for Cyber Monday.
- Stalk-A-Therapist Sunday — Let’s be real, you deserve self-care and with this special day psychiatrists and therapists are standing by, ready to pre-book your 2024 so you can recover from the Christmas season (and in case you have the slightest teensiest little inkling that life has no purpose and you need to spend more money). Wait, what? Call now before it’s too late.
Hopefully, heads will roll for this gross neglect, for this giant hole in the calendar, and one of these stunning suggestions will be added to our yearly vocabulary. My vote is for Pig-Out Sunday since that’s probably already happening anyway.
And then after Giving Tuesday, after you slip a few measly dollars to your favorite charity after four days of wanton spending, you will take a deep breath and prepare for… Weeping Wednesday.
For Thankless Thursday.
And Furtive Fruitless Frustrating Foreboding Friday.
© Joe Guay, 2023
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